I'm on a sugar high.

Andy is watching football which means I cannot perform my recent nightly ritual of watching "Murder She Wrote" on the Hallmark channel. I don't care what he says, I LOVE that show. It is a very peaceful, nonviolent way to enjoy murder :)

Today I drank soda. Then, I finished Gabe's bowl of mac n' cheese and had peanut butter M&M's. I refuse to turn on the light, so that first & sign took me 8 tries to find. The second one only took 4.

Claire made me laugh and broke my heart at the same time today. She said, "Mom, when you yelled at us in the car, some of the love for you inside me went away." Yeah. I apologized. To be fair to myself, I was yelling over them to stop yelling at each other (which obviously makes TONS of sense), but it clearly hurt my baby. So after I said I'm sorry, I told her that when she yells at me, none of my love for her goes away. She said, "Mine just came back!" How easily she forgives. No more yelling, Mom.

I managed a partial shopping trip to WalMart. We didn't even have cereal in the house. I have yet to get the big food items at Randalls, so we don't have milk, meat, bread, or produce. I don't eat much (see above), and neither does Andy, so I've gone a WHILE since shopping for food. I could probably go a little longer if I didn't have to pack a lunch for Char.

Well, my show is on tomorrow, so I have something to look forward to. It's like having friends over w/o it feeling like the dreaded "social event." Yeah, I'm weird about that right now. I mean weirder than normal. All the other moms at Claire's dance class visit with each other. I spend my time tailing around after Charlotte and Gabe so I don't have to say anything more than the bare minimum. Charlotte is a social butterfly, though, so she keeps making friends with kids and then I have to make friends with the moms. I don't want to cramp her style, but she sure is cramping mine!

Oh, I'm filthy and dirty, but I DID dye my hair and take a shower - I can't remember when. It sucks that a shower only lasts a day or two.

Tagged by Ireland

Karen tagged me. The answers can only be one word, and then I have to tag others! Here we go:

1:Where is your cell phone? ~ Drawer
2:Where is your significant other? ~ Work
3:Your hair color? ~ Brown
4:Your mother? ~ Giving
5:Your father? ~ Gentle
6:Your favorite thing? ~ Soda
7: Your dream last night? ~ none
8:Your dream/goal? ~ copyeditor
9:The room you're in? ~ office
10:Your hobby? ~ reading
11:Your fear? ~ fish
12:Where do you want to be in 6 years? ~ home
13:Where were you last night? ~ Home
14:What you're not? ~ ambitious
15:One of your wish list items? ~ grillpan
16:Where you grew up? ~ Texas
17:The last thing you did? ~ sudoku
18:What are you wearing? ~ jeans
19:Your TV? ~ On
20:Your pet? ~ none
21:Your computer? ~PC
22:Your mood? ~ nervous
23:Missing someone? ~ Yes
24:Your car? ~ subaru
25:Something you're not wearing? ~ shoes
26:Favorite store? ~ ikea
27:Your summer? ~ hot
28:Love someone? ~ Yes
29:Your favorite color? ~ blue
30:When is the last time you laughed? ~ Today
31:When is the last time you cried? ~ yesterday

Nothing to say

Sorry, Juls, I haven't anything to write about. I sit on my couch or stay in my bed most of the time. All I eat are cookies, candy corn, caffeine-free pepsi, and golden oreos. School was out the entire week last week, but the weather was really beautiful for the first few days. My brother- and sister-in-law didn't get power and water back until yesterday, so they stayed with us. My sis-in-law was a terrific nanny, cook, and maid, and I thank her so much!

Last night, I watched (interrupted, of course) "Dancing with the Stars," and tonight is the premiere of my #1 show NCIS. I'm living for it.

I'm filthy filthy. I think it's been 4 days since I showered. I have Sunday's makeup under my eyes, I stink, my hair is greasy. I HAVE been brushing my teeth. That is HUGE. I think about showering, but I don't b/c I have to dye my hair, which needs to be done before I shower, and I can't make myself dye my hair, so I'm just dirty. I'm okay with that.

I just feel very uninterested in life; I'm not in a bad mood. I just increased my dose of meds, so after this week, when it goes up again, I really hope to see a difference.

The plus is, although I'm not functioning in my own personal life, I am really enjoying my kids. They are being really funny right now (funny "ha ha"), so they are pure entertainment. We all watch "Dancing" together. Charlotte gave commentary on the lack of modesty, and Claire put on her sequin dressup and danced along. She told me I have to be the judge, and she waits until I say a number with comments before she dances again.

I've also been playing Sudoku online. My fastest time was 3 minutes 30 sec. to solve a puzzle. I was impressed with myself.

So, that's the update. NOTHING. Oh, I DID rent "Baby Mama," and it is funnier the second time.

I haven't been to the gym since my yoga instructer left.

Oh No!

I just read that school will be closed Monday and Tuesday, too! MAN! Now I'm gonna have to have fun stuff to do for 2 more days!

Goodbye, Ike!

We really fared very well during this hurricane. We slept through the worst of it, there was very little rain on us, and there is very little damage to us. A portion of our back fence is down. It was only propped up with a 2x4, so nobody's surprised. There's a lot of tree debris on our street. A few people had trees down on their houses, but we only got some medium limbs and smaller. People are cleaning up by stacking the branches and bags of debris along the sidewalks.

Our power went out before we had any real storm at all - 8:45pm Friday. We had our battery-operated lantern and some flashlights, so I read a book and the kids were already asleep. Saturday, however, we didn't want to sit around in no air conditioning, so we visited family in the area. It was funner to be together and eat junk food in the heat than all alone :)

We stayed the night at my mom's, which is a treat. Our lights were back on a little later Saturday evening, but we were already there so we stayed. That is really fun for me b/c my mom and sister like to play games! After putting the kids down, we spent the evening playing Rummikub and Parcheesi. Then I finished my book - by lamplight instead of lantern, and slept very well.

Our ward held sacrament meeting today, so we went. Andy's at a meeting that convened after to coordinate cleanup work. All our refrigerated stuff is at Uncle Tim's, and Gabe's sleeping, so I'm cracking open the applesauce, dry cereal, and soup for lunch. Our grocery store and several fast food restaurants are open again, and boy are they crowded! We passed a McDonalds with a drive-thru line that circled the building and ran across the parking lot. Man, I wish! I'm a quarter-pounder junky!

Thanks for all the prayers and well-wishes. I'm blessed to say that we were pretty bored!

Staying home

Ok, we aren't going to mom's house b/c Andy is staying in town and he wants to sleep in his own bed. Since the storm will make landfall in the wee hours of the morning, we would have to spend tonight over there. I'm TOTALLY for it, but, alas, the family has to stay together. That's ok, if the roads are clear, I'll go as soon as the storm passes. THEN I'll get my games and my good junk food! I may still go to the store for some true junk food like donuts and candy and soda. Might as well enjoy the time, right?

More of the neighbors are boarding up the windows. We haven't, mostly cuz we don't have plywood, so I'm hoping none of them bust. The storm may be giant, but it isn't a very strong hurricane, as hurricanes go. And it looks like we'll be on the west side of the storm, which is the side to be on. Less damage, less chance of tornado.

My fear of tornados is probably the strongest fear I have during a hurricane. Those suckers are fast and scary. I think, however, that our most pressing problem will be how long we'll be without power. Who knows what that will turn out like, but, once again, I'll go to my mom's where it will at least be fun if dark and hot. Ugh, hot. That's gonna suck.

Today, though, the weather is magnificent! 86 degrees, warm gusty winds, pretty blue skies! It'll deteriorate as the day goes on :( We were out there this morning enjoying it. If I can get my crap together (take a shower, do the dishes, make cookies) we'll go out again. The neighborhood is very busy; lots of cars going by, everyone making their last preparations. Blogging, obviously, is mine.

Run from the water, Hide from the wind

That's the advice for hurricanes. We are currently getting geared up to hide from the wind since we don't live in a flooding area. Andy's stowing crap in the garage, and I'm doing my part by, um, keeping a record of it in cyberspace.

Hurricane Ike is headed for us. I guess it's a testament to always having lived here that I'm not too concerned. I'll go to my mom's house for the duration of the storm b/c company during a power outage is a must. And the kids won't get as scared there. And they have more games than we have. And probably better food. Ooh, I should go early and bake so we have lots of goodies while the power is out!

Things here, in my head, are getting better. Even though I just started Lamictal, it seems to be helping already. It makes me SUPER nervous, though, so I refilled another drug that she gave me that counters that. Which is good, b/c I thought I had a bug my stomach was so upset. I even had my mom come stay with me for a day. Alas, if it were a bug it would be gone by now.

Ok, that's it. I'm getting more and more boring as time goes on. You poor people. Please, stop reading at any time. I won't be offended. :)

I can only do ONE social event a day!

It's true! It's all I can handle. After going to Super Saturday (craft day) on, um, Saturday of course, which, I DID have lots of fun once I got there, I was done for the day. Andy took the girls to the park with some other young families (I wonder how long I'll be calling us a young family? I don't feel young, but my kids are...) and I stayed home. He, being the great husband that he is, let everyone know that's just how I roll. Incidentally, I had to go to the grocery store that evening, which is almost as impossible as a social event. I actually had to pray myself there.

Ok, so TODAY, I have TWO social engagements, and it is KILLING me. I woke up with my stomach in knots. You know, that almost-nauseated nervous feeling. And one of them isn't really even social! I have book club (yay!), but then I have to take Claire to dance. UGH! EASILY my least favorite 45 minutes of the week. I love watching her, but I never get to b/c I'm containing Gabe and Charlotte. And then there are the other moms. Sometimes they try to talk to me. And THAT is what makes it feel social and too much for me. I wish I could just wait in the car. I can't b/c I have to a) change her into her tap shoes somewhere in the middle, and b) they frown on you leaving your 4 year old alone in the building. Even though she isn't really alone, whatever.

I'm not going to tell you my dream.

Nobody cares, I know. But somehow, Vince Vaughn, car seats, convenience stores and chocolate made me wake up thinking about good ol' college days. Ugh. I feel so sorry for my college self. If I could only have told her she would be able to find herself if she were medicated. But, the dream brought to mind all these people I haven't thought of in ages, and it is weird! Craig Bench! Matt Durham, some guy who bleached his hair tennis-ball yellow who's name I can't remember. Who'da thunk?

I woke up early forgetting that I have to be somewhere today, so I was in a good mood. That came crashing down when Andy reminded me I have an obligation. Doesn't matter what it is - any obligation is tough right now. I know, I know - it'll be fine once I get there. That's true, but doesn't help me much until then.

Uh oh - I hear little feet. The solitude is over; welcome to the morning rush hour. I'm trying to smile more at my kids. This is WAY harder than it sounds b/c I'm really not a very smiley person. Claire pointed it out to me the other day. That made me sad. It makes me sadder that most of my smiles are really fake. Oh Lamictal! Why do you go so slow?!

Another day down...

I feel like every day is a countdown to... I think death. The good news is I have arranged a plan with my doctor to go back on the medication that makes me round and happy, as Julianna puts it. I'm exploring an appetite suppressant as well so that I am not tortured by hunger daily and nightly. Although the process of building up to my dosage is a might long (3 weeks), at least there is a light at the end. And a light I can depend on since I've tried it before and it was effective at managing the depression and mood swings. So that means the countdown can be to full dosage instead of just, you know, death.

Today I was without children for many hours since my mom and sister took them for me to have a break. It was just enough to make me excited to see them again in the evening. I had a meeting tonight, so I missed seeing them before bed. That means tomorrow morning will be more fun for me since I miss them still. Maybe even enough to cope with the 95% guaranteed meltdown Charlotte will have over not having the exact clothes for Spirit Day as her teacher described. She will have to make do with a school t-shirt ("But Mom! It doesn't have enough white!") and denim shorts ("These aren't really DARK blue, MOM!). At least it's the last day I have to keep up with that ridiculous monkey nametag she has had to wear around her neck every day. Who knew Kindergarten would be kicking my butt.

I just noticed...

That 2 posts down entitled "Without My Char Char" starts with me saying what it's like to have Charlotte in PRESCHOOL, and that girl is KINDERGARTEN. I'm loopy.

First Outing

Today I left the house during school hours. No offense to my really wonderful friends I spent the time with, but I felt exactly the same as at home. That is solid proof that my current problems are purely mental illness. My kids were better since they had a whole new set of toys to play with, and I honestly appreciate that. Since it ended the second I said it was time to go home.

Aside from wandering from room to room aimlessly, I also feel like I no longer matter in Charlotte's life. Yes, yes, I know. But it still feels that way. So I try to fight that all day. I try to think of things that have value in my life since everything is so bleak. Since I'm failing miserably at all efforts, I will call Shrinky-dink tomorrow and request to go back on Lamictal, the drug that worked and made me gain weight. Additionally, I will require that she prescribe an appetite suppressant so that I am not starving all day and night. We'll see what she says.

Hopefully, this medication thing will get solved because I'm as bored as you are with my blog lately. Remember when I used to be funny?

Without my Char Char

Life with Charlotte in preschool is #1 - much different than I imagined, and #2 - very boring. I'll start by saying that since she has started kindergarten, I have not left my house from the time she leaves to the time she gets home. I just wander from room to room going stir-crazy. I miss her! So do Claire and Gabe. Their lonesomeness manifests as extreme grouchiness and fit-throwing. Charlotte is the one they both play with, and now that they are left with only each other, they are rebelling.

I feel sad that I'm such a little part of her day. I feel like we are getting dumber as she is getting smarter. I want them to send homework so that I have exclusive time getting to know how school is for her and how she performs there. I can't wait until open house on the 11th so I can ask her exact, minute by minute, weekly schedule so that I can mentally follow along.

Now, I'm going back to watching Project Runway marathon interspersed with What Not to Wear. That should tell you just how shallow I'm thinking these days. Anything for a distraction from myself!