Gabe is so weird.

He informed Andy that he's got a twin brother named Max. I wonder if he is who is responsible for all the naughty Gabeness. Today in timeout he stuck his face up against the newel posts of the stairs and wailed, "I'm in jaaaaaaaaail! Help me, girls! Get me out of jail!"

I'm so tired, and I need to shower and go to church tonight. And I really want to fall and break my hip so I don't have to. I've got the crow, so I think about sugar constantly. I just want to cram my throat with chocolate and go into a sugar coma.

I read a totally stupid book yesterday by the lady who wrote, "The Time Traveler's Wife." I didn't want to see that movie in the first place, but now I think I'll avoid it forever. That book was so crappy. I checked out some classics from the library today, so I hope that I can redeem my literary standards.

I saw my high school English teacher at the library and HE REMEMBERED ME!! I felt slightly famous! It has been 16 years, after all. He is one of the best teachers I've ever had, and I loved that he knew me.

That's it.

The week is flying by

I can't believe it's Friday! This week zoomed past. I was just sure that by the end of the week, I'd be worn down from having fun with my friends, but no! I'm still gung-ho! Man, sane people have it good!

It had been getting really hard to stay off sugar for the last month or so. I cheated a ton, and I was discouraged in general. Then this week, I gained a perspective that has helped me get back into the groove. Here it is:

In March, I was having a discussion with my friend about being mentally ill. It was back when I had started the wonder-drug that would lead to facial tachycardia, but I didn't know it yet. Anyway, I was feeling great at the time, and he asked me, "Would you lose your primary limb to be mentally well?" Yes! Oh hell yes, I would! I'd go without my right arm in one second flat if I could be mentally well for the rest of my life, no question. As this discussion occurred to me this week, I was like, "Oh, but you won't give up sugar. You would LOSE AN ARM, but not a slice of cake? Uh, what in thuh?" If he had asked me in March if I would not eat sugar for the rest of my life to be mentally well, I would have said YES! And here it is, truly the case. I think I can handle sugar-free a bit more graciously now that I've thought about it like that.

I bought myself a new Nancy Drew game that I've been obsessed with since yesterday afternoon. The kids alternate between watching me like I'm a movie and leaving out of boredom since I get stuck a lot. I heard, "Call me if you figure this out, Mom; I'm going to play," many many times today. I've almost won it, I can just feel it! I would love to work on it now, but the kids would be so sad if I solved the mystery of the boiler handles while they are sleeping. Plus, I like how they sit next to me cheering, "Go Mom! Go Mom! Go Mom! Go Mom!" when I get stuck.

Ladies Week

I feel like a famous person this week because I am getting together with the girls 5 out of 7 nights! Woo hoo! And, as a testament to my mental health, I'm not freaking out about the number of social engagements!

Sunday and Tuesday were the only nights this week at home. My girls started crying when they overheard me telling Andy I'd be out so much. Poor babies - most of the time they'll be in bed already when I leave, but they like to maintain total emotional and physical control over their mom ;-)

I feel really great. However, I was backreading some parts of my blog yesterday, and I'm afraid that the majority of the humor of this blog will disappear with me being mentally well. Sad but true that bipolar creates mounds of comic material. Well, mostly in retrospect for me, I guess. Still, reading some of my posts when I was particularly struggling is so weird. I remember it, and yet it doesn't seem like my life was ever like that. It seems ages ago instead of only 3 months. I feel so lucky.

I told my kids they had to nap after lunch b/c they were being so fussy, but now they are playing so sweetly together that I don't want to bust it up. I think we'll go to the library first. Wait, no. I love the library without my kids. SO SAD, I know, but they are hard to keep together there, and I can't ever go the the grownup books without a lot of trouble. Plan B - I'll put some things on the library hold list, and when they come in, we'll go. Yeah.

HONESTLY - it's like I don't know what to say these days! Who am I when I'm not crazy?! What do I write about?! Usually it's me blaring on about not being able to handle regular life. Now, I'm handling it. And it is too boring to write about! Are my days of blogging coming to a close? It seems I really did use it as a coping mechanism. I certainly don't use it to keep people updated about my kids and family and such. Yikes. Welp, I guess we'll just all find out together. I'm out, y'all.

I love Legos!

I just played Legos for an hour on the floor of Gabe's room. Claire and Gabe played, too, which made it not dorky. However, Andy and I played Legos after the kids went to bed last night. He just bought them. We have only had Duplos up to this point, and he felt like their imagination was being stifled. Yes, he said that. Anyway, I agree because regular Legos are a million times better than Duplos, and I can make houses with doors and windows that have shutters. Besides that, Legoland, USA looks like so much fun. I'd choose that over Disneyland any day. But not Universal Studios now that the Wizarding World of Harry Potter is there. I've never been any of these places, incidentally.

I need to feed those kiddies, now, and I psyched myself up for enchiladas tonight, so I am preparing to feast. Oh, they will just have soup or something; no use wasting good food on them. THe Mexican is for me.

I'm sorta trying to get back into blogging. I remember this type of post - nothing to say.

Of COURSE!

"No, y'all don't touch the watermelon because if you drop it, it will break."
"Y'all, don't touch that watermelon, it'll fall and break."
"I said don't touch the watermelon, now put it back down."


Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Where I'm at

I feel like I'm kind of in a constant state of self-assessment. Since I'm unmedicated, I feel hyper-tuned to my feelings to make sure I'm still okay or maybe be aware of the first signs of depression or anything else. So, every feeling I have, I find myself saying, "Okay, anger. Is this within the realms of a normal, rational person? Am I overreacting? Is this okay?" The answer is usually yes, I'm okay. But I've also had some no-not-okay-but-still-normals. You know, like yes, I overreacted, but the way a regular person sometimes overreacts.

It's so strange for me to be here. I find myself still wondering if it is a "fluke," though I know it isn't. It's a blessing. I'm starting to think it is a miracle. I always thought a miracle would be more, you know, not miraculous, exactly, but more momentous, maybe? Like a KAPOW! moment. And that isn't what has happened. I have just sort of floated into a place of mental wellness and stability, almost unawares, and I am not quite adjusted to it. But believe me when I say that I appreciate, love, and accept it.

I want to write "for as long as it lasts," after that last sentence. I hesitate to accept this as a permanent situation, it seems. Do I believe that it is? I don't know. I believe that it can be. I want it to be. But I don't think I would be robbed or something if it isn't always like this - if I go back to mental illness life. I hesitate to say, "I'm healed," because, well, I don't know. I actually think I am. I really do. I think that, through God's amazing mercy, I am healed from mental illness. I can't believe I wrote that. I automatically want to write a bunch of disclaimers in case I'm wrong, but, why? Isn't that what I'm experiencing right now? Yes, it is. So I'll let it stand.

I never expected to be here. Ever. I always knew that it was possible in terms of the Lord, but I didn't think it would ever be for me. Wow. Since I can't type the kind of gratitude and humility I feel, let me say that God is Great! My King and my Father, and I love Him and praise Him. I thank Him. I recommit to living a Christlike life in gratitude for His mercy and healing. I didn't know this was going to turn into a testimony, but there you have it.

I like rain

But my kids are getting stir crazy since it has been raining forever. I just read all day. It is loverly.

I ate a crap-load of sugar over the weekend and found that I sleep like the dead and am groggy when I wake up. What a drug. I reform.

Ants in the cupboards. Terminix won't get here for almost another week. It may be free between quarterlies, but you pay in the long wait for an extra appointment.

June was so dang busy that I feel like I'm hiding out and skipping stuff since the calendar is so much emptier now. It's good, the way I feel like summer should be. Lazy.

I am anxiously awaiting the 3rd book in the Hunger Games series. Love them. Am haunted by them. I find myself holding internal dialogues about the books at random times of the day and night. I'm just so intrigued by the psychology - how fundamentally different childhood is with the knowledge that you may very well kill and/or be killed during your youth. If you are looking for a review, all I have to say is the heroine bugs me almost as much as Bella, but not quite, but I love the writing and the other characters. I don't often await the release of a book with such anticipation. It's fun and frustrating. I heard a rumor they are making a movie? I don't know how I feel about that. I just hate it when a great book is crippled by a lackluster movie.

The kids are waiting for lunch, and I just realized I haven't eaten yet today. Or gotten dressed. Just reading in bed like I live the high-life. Awesome.

Recap

The most interesting thing that has happened is that one of my kids mistook Clorox Wipes for baby wipes. Squeaky clean.

It is my 11th wedding anniversary today. Hurray! My kids are totally excited about it. Gabe is convinced he wasn't there when we got married because he was dead. He doesn't get the living in heaven before birth concept. We all went out for Chinese together. Claire informed us this made it our best anniversary ever. I'm sure it is for her - she usually gets left at home. Andy and I will go out together without the kids tomorrow. Anyway, I'll just take this opportunity to say that I love him, and I'm so excited and happy about our 11 years. I'm grateful for our home and our kids and our relationship. He's a great man. I love you, babe.

My kids are slowly coming out of the stage they were in during my last post. Where they fussed and fought about everything I said. There is no more counting to three around here. I say my piece, they say "Yes ma'am," or they sit on the stairs. Instead, they are picking at each other all day. Who can blame them? They have been trapped inside by the rain and are getting trunky. It's hard to discipline this sort of nit-picking at each other. Mostly they have to go sit on their bed until they get it together. Ugh.

They don't complain about their schoolwork, though, and swim lessons are finally over. Hurray! They swam in a total downpour on Thursday. The kids were all confused. All us grownups were giving them the thumbs up and shouting, "You're doing great! It's just a little rain, it won't hurt you!" from under the covered seating area.

I'm still unmedicated. I feel like I'm doing pretty good. I just feel regular. That's so amazing. Sure, the crow was snipey, but not unreasonably mean. I cook for the kids; I pick up around the house here and there. That is a functioning lady, my friends. It's kinda exciting.

I've lost 25 pounds, and I can wear a bunch of clothes that I haven't looked at in a while. It makes me feel pretty dang good. Of course, I've been eating crap since the crow arrived, but I don't let myself get all upset about it. It's a decision. It isn't permanent. I'm still a good person. Blah blah blah.

I need my kids to get in bed so that I can partially disassemble their blanket fort so I can watch tv. I told them they can leave it up tonight since they are almost done making it perfect, but it is spread across the entire living room, and I need entertainment.

That's it.