My mom told me she told her doctor about my blog and it's emphasis on mental illness. So, just for him...
LAMICTAL CAUSES WEIGHT GAIN! Tell your associates! I don't care what the drug companies say. Listen to your patients! I maintained one weight for over a year, and then in the months I was on Lamictal, I gained 15 pounds. That was the only change in my life. Of course, until the weight started adding up - then my lifestyle greatly improved. And my weight gain continued steadily.
Thank you.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Drool
Ok, so, I have been drooling an inordinate amount. Not enough to make me concerned. But enough for me to, after a while, take notice. I'm not a drooler. However, recently I've drooled not only at night, but while awake and upright! Yes, you heard me! Just sitting there on the couch, folding laundry, feeling a little cool spot on my chin, and, yep - drool. Weird. And gross.
I'm a little embarrassed, so I haven't mentioned it to anyone. But TODAY, I read the side effects of the new drug I'm on, and DROOLING IS ONE OF THEM! Hurray! I mean, you know, not that it's a good side effect... Ok, so it is technically worded as "increased amount of saliva," and I am SO GLAD that it isn't just me lookin' like a bulldog.
I don't read the possible side effects of medication before I start taking it; I'm afraid of the power of suggestion. So, I'm always interested to find out how many common ones I have experienced after a couple weeks on the drug. However, today I made the mistake of reading them for a new drug that I have yet to take, and I got my hopes way up high. It says "loss of appetite!" YES! After all these weeks of ravenous hunger (and added pounds), could there be relief and one less chin in my future? Gosh, I really hope so! Everyone use your powers of suggestion to make me not hungry!!!! I'll keep you posted.
I'm a little embarrassed, so I haven't mentioned it to anyone. But TODAY, I read the side effects of the new drug I'm on, and DROOLING IS ONE OF THEM! Hurray! I mean, you know, not that it's a good side effect... Ok, so it is technically worded as "increased amount of saliva," and I am SO GLAD that it isn't just me lookin' like a bulldog.
I don't read the possible side effects of medication before I start taking it; I'm afraid of the power of suggestion. So, I'm always interested to find out how many common ones I have experienced after a couple weeks on the drug. However, today I made the mistake of reading them for a new drug that I have yet to take, and I got my hopes way up high. It says "loss of appetite!" YES! After all these weeks of ravenous hunger (and added pounds), could there be relief and one less chin in my future? Gosh, I really hope so! Everyone use your powers of suggestion to make me not hungry!!!! I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Tagged
I was tagged by Chanda!
How To Play This Game of Tag:
Post these rules on your blog. List: 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 goals, 3 current obsessions/collections, 3 facts about yourself. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog!
Joys
My kids. Especially noticeable when I've been away from them for more than a couple of hours.
Andy. He actually does know me almost better than I know myself, sometimes!
My testimony. In a personal world full of dark thoughts and a physical world full of disbelief, I have a source of peace and joy.
Fears
That I will lose my kids. I won't be able to find them, and something horrible will happen to them, and they will be scared and hurt and wondering where their mom is.
That I will lose the great relationships I have with my family.
Starting new things. I'm not a finisher, and I hate feeling like a failure, so starting new stuff really makes me nervous and I don't like it.
Goals
Get a degree (after my kids are out of the house, probably)
Keeping my house clean
Losing the weight I've put on since Gabe was born. I ought to say being fit and healthy, but that isn't my actual goal so I'm not going to lie about it.
Obsessions/Collectsions
Picking out paint colors
Food - I'm not kidding. My meds make me think about it pretty much constantly.
Getting old - I hate it. I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I want Botox.
3 Facts
I smile in the car to try to avoid getting frown wrinkles.
I like cartoons. My favorite is "Johnny Test."
I used to LOVE movies, and I now I think they are kind of boring and a waste of time.
I tag Natalee, Mindy, Mandy, Karen, and Chris.
How To Play This Game of Tag:
Post these rules on your blog. List: 3 joys, 3 fears, 3 goals, 3 current obsessions/collections, 3 facts about yourself. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog!
Joys
My kids. Especially noticeable when I've been away from them for more than a couple of hours.
Andy. He actually does know me almost better than I know myself, sometimes!
My testimony. In a personal world full of dark thoughts and a physical world full of disbelief, I have a source of peace and joy.
Fears
That I will lose my kids. I won't be able to find them, and something horrible will happen to them, and they will be scared and hurt and wondering where their mom is.
That I will lose the great relationships I have with my family.
Starting new things. I'm not a finisher, and I hate feeling like a failure, so starting new stuff really makes me nervous and I don't like it.
Goals
Get a degree (after my kids are out of the house, probably)
Keeping my house clean
Losing the weight I've put on since Gabe was born. I ought to say being fit and healthy, but that isn't my actual goal so I'm not going to lie about it.
Obsessions/Collectsions
Picking out paint colors
Food - I'm not kidding. My meds make me think about it pretty much constantly.
Getting old - I hate it. I'm fighting it tooth and nail. I want Botox.
3 Facts
I smile in the car to try to avoid getting frown wrinkles.
I like cartoons. My favorite is "Johnny Test."
I used to LOVE movies, and I now I think they are kind of boring and a waste of time.
I tag Natalee, Mindy, Mandy, Karen, and Chris.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
This IS me being happy!
My kids are whining right now, and here's the kicker: I know exactly how to stop it. They don't do this type of whining1 first thing in the morning EVER, and all I have to do is go in there and cuddle them. Then, they will be their regular morning selves. And I will do it after I cool off from being whined out of my blissfully unconcious state. They are just whining because they need their regular happy-to-see-them mom to pay a little attention. It all comes from sleeping on the couch. They both crawled into our bed at about 3:30am, and I crawled out b/c that is just too crowded. But when they woke up and saw me NOT in bed, they naturally assumed I'm up and awake. Nevermind that I'm down and asleep on the couch. So, me being grouchy and saying, "Shh, I'm trying to sleep!" apparently hurt their feelings. And them sitting on my back hurt mine. My feelings, not my back. So, let's go hug them back to happy...
I blog mostly as an outlet to express having bipolar disorder. Consequently, most posts seem negative. My life really isn't mostly negative. My personal struggles just make life hard for me. My kids are mostly cheerful and always loving. My friends and family are ALWAYS loving, if not cheerful :) And I am usually in a good or fine mood if harried or frustrated by my lack of ability or coping skills.
Yesterday, Charlotte said, "Today was the perfect day because it was all fun!" I've NEVER heard her be that satisfied, and it was so great. What happened? Well, the cousins were over first thing for piano lessons. We went next to a play date with CUPCAKES. After our "nap," Harris came back over to work, and the girls' did preschool worksheets with him. Then Aunt Jessie came over, and we had Chinese food for dinner. Normal kid MO is to complain about all the times in between those fun things, but, for some reason, she was so happy with the day! Hurray!! It may never happen again, so I'll cling to it.
1Yes, there are different kinds of whining. I could write a book. Just a few: sleepy whine, hungry whine, in time out whine, tired whine, tired in public whine, want something you can't have whine, have something you don't want whine, and the all-time winner: bored whine.
I blog mostly as an outlet to express having bipolar disorder. Consequently, most posts seem negative. My life really isn't mostly negative. My personal struggles just make life hard for me. My kids are mostly cheerful and always loving. My friends and family are ALWAYS loving, if not cheerful :) And I am usually in a good or fine mood if harried or frustrated by my lack of ability or coping skills.
Yesterday, Charlotte said, "Today was the perfect day because it was all fun!" I've NEVER heard her be that satisfied, and it was so great. What happened? Well, the cousins were over first thing for piano lessons. We went next to a play date with CUPCAKES. After our "nap," Harris came back over to work, and the girls' did preschool worksheets with him. Then Aunt Jessie came over, and we had Chinese food for dinner. Normal kid MO is to complain about all the times in between those fun things, but, for some reason, she was so happy with the day! Hurray!! It may never happen again, so I'll cling to it.
1Yes, there are different kinds of whining. I could write a book. Just a few: sleepy whine, hungry whine, in time out whine, tired whine, tired in public whine, want something you can't have whine, have something you don't want whine, and the all-time winner: bored whine.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Just when you think you are up, they kick you back down!
Just a post to say that I'm feeling much better than my last post. Thanks for the well-wishes and prayers. I really have great friends.
Here's a funny anecdote for the day:
I got my hair cut on Saturday morning. Since I wear my hair short, when it is overgrown it looks very frumpy and takes lots of work. So, the hairdresser gave me the haircut I wanted, and then she said...
"Now you don't look forty anymore! You look thirty-three!"
"I'm thirty-one."
True story.
Here's a funny anecdote for the day:
I got my hair cut on Saturday morning. Since I wear my hair short, when it is overgrown it looks very frumpy and takes lots of work. So, the hairdresser gave me the haircut I wanted, and then she said...
"Now you don't look forty anymore! You look thirty-three!"
"I'm thirty-one."
True story.
Friday, July 18, 2008
New meds
Ok, so today the Shrinky-Dink changed up my meds to try to combat the side effects I was dealing with. She is weaning me off one drug to put me on another. I took the new amounts this evening, and I ended up almost having a panic attack.
I started to feel nervous, and that feeling grew as the evening progressed. I started feeling anxious and scared. Finally, I dropped my nephew off at Liz's and I couldn't drive myself the EIGHT houses home. My brother-in-law had to do it. I was on the verge of tears and my throat kept almost closing up. That's panic, right?
It felt horrible. I really hope that this doesn't continue too long. I'll call the doctor Monday if it does. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong. We'll find out.
Anyway, I'm trying to blog my way through. The drug I'm stopping is Lamictal. It's one you can't stop cold turkey cuz that does BAD things to your mental state. As I sit here bouncing my knees at record speed just to alleviate some of the jitteriness, I think that anything worse than this is too much to handle. Fear totally sucks. ESPECIALLY when there is nothing fearful happening. It isn't the kind like I'm afraid someone will break in or I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm just so nervous that I'm afraid. Being home helps, though. I was out picking up Charlotte from a birthday party, and that was the WORST drive home.
I'm keeping a mood chart to track the symptoms so I can show the ol' Shrinky-Dink. She is really very good at her job, so I feel confident calling her to check my symptoms. Plus, she didn't scoff at my concerns about my weight gain (the major side effect that helped me want to change meds). She just believed me and immediately looked for a solution. Then we talked about her spray tan. NOT KIDDING. I'll just think about that - it's funny enough to ease some of the nerves.
I started to feel nervous, and that feeling grew as the evening progressed. I started feeling anxious and scared. Finally, I dropped my nephew off at Liz's and I couldn't drive myself the EIGHT houses home. My brother-in-law had to do it. I was on the verge of tears and my throat kept almost closing up. That's panic, right?
It felt horrible. I really hope that this doesn't continue too long. I'll call the doctor Monday if it does. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong. We'll find out.
Anyway, I'm trying to blog my way through. The drug I'm stopping is Lamictal. It's one you can't stop cold turkey cuz that does BAD things to your mental state. As I sit here bouncing my knees at record speed just to alleviate some of the jitteriness, I think that anything worse than this is too much to handle. Fear totally sucks. ESPECIALLY when there is nothing fearful happening. It isn't the kind like I'm afraid someone will break in or I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'm just so nervous that I'm afraid. Being home helps, though. I was out picking up Charlotte from a birthday party, and that was the WORST drive home.
I'm keeping a mood chart to track the symptoms so I can show the ol' Shrinky-Dink. She is really very good at her job, so I feel confident calling her to check my symptoms. Plus, she didn't scoff at my concerns about my weight gain (the major side effect that helped me want to change meds). She just believed me and immediately looked for a solution. Then we talked about her spray tan. NOT KIDDING. I'll just think about that - it's funny enough to ease some of the nerves.
"I don't think so Mrs. Torrance"
So, Claire, my gorgeous, precious almost-4 year old, has started speaking in a possessed voice. Think "The Shining." You know, the little boy talking with his finger. "redrum" and all that super-freaky business.
But it isn't all the time. It's just at a few, unexpected moments. Like when Andy picked her up and they were laughing, and suddenly, in the demon-voice, "Put me down." Yeah, really creepy.
Where would she have heard this sort of thing? Why is she doing it? Can I get a baby-shrink in here?
Actually, Shrinky-Dink is a child psychiatrist. She'll probably tell me how her dog did the same thing, and it is perfectly normal. Kidding! She is very professional when it comes to her patients. (But DON'T bring up her dogs, cuz she is also easily sidetracked.)
Seriously, though. It really is a very spooky voice coming out of a very angelic-looking child. But, like me and my sisters have always said, "pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside." KIDDING! (not about saying it; we really say it. or about the pretty part, cuz she is pretty - just about actually meaning that my kid is ugly on the inside - although she acts ugly often enough. Argh! NEVERMIND!)
redrum.
But it isn't all the time. It's just at a few, unexpected moments. Like when Andy picked her up and they were laughing, and suddenly, in the demon-voice, "Put me down." Yeah, really creepy.
Where would she have heard this sort of thing? Why is she doing it? Can I get a baby-shrink in here?
Actually, Shrinky-Dink is a child psychiatrist. She'll probably tell me how her dog did the same thing, and it is perfectly normal. Kidding! She is very professional when it comes to her patients. (But DON'T bring up her dogs, cuz she is also easily sidetracked.)
Seriously, though. It really is a very spooky voice coming out of a very angelic-looking child. But, like me and my sisters have always said, "pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside." KIDDING! (not about saying it; we really say it. or about the pretty part, cuz she is pretty - just about actually meaning that my kid is ugly on the inside - although she acts ugly often enough. Argh! NEVERMIND!)
redrum.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Turbo Party
I just wanted to take a second to wish Andy a happy birthday again! I love you, babe!
We had a party for him yesterday, and my sisters' laugh at me because I like to turbo it. I just don't see the point in lollygagging. I mean, people are going to visit. Good, that's mostly the point, right? So why wait around for the party stuff?
As soon as the last person arrives, presents. Yeah, right away. It's easier before cake b/c everyone is there and there is no mess.
As soon as the last present is opened, I am in there lighting candles. Sing, blow 'em out, cut the cake. That's it. The rest of any party is what? Games? No way. Talking? Well, go ahead. Plus you are free to leave whenever you need to without missing anything. The kids can run off and play w/o having to gather them back for any events.
Face it, I'm brilliant. You people only wish you turbo-partied.
It was very lovely, and I'm glad we could celebrate Andy. He's a fun, loving, supportive husband and father, and we are lucky to have him!
We had a party for him yesterday, and my sisters' laugh at me because I like to turbo it. I just don't see the point in lollygagging. I mean, people are going to visit. Good, that's mostly the point, right? So why wait around for the party stuff?
As soon as the last person arrives, presents. Yeah, right away. It's easier before cake b/c everyone is there and there is no mess.
As soon as the last present is opened, I am in there lighting candles. Sing, blow 'em out, cut the cake. That's it. The rest of any party is what? Games? No way. Talking? Well, go ahead. Plus you are free to leave whenever you need to without missing anything. The kids can run off and play w/o having to gather them back for any events.
Face it, I'm brilliant. You people only wish you turbo-partied.
It was very lovely, and I'm glad we could celebrate Andy. He's a fun, loving, supportive husband and father, and we are lucky to have him!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Shrinky-dink
And I ain't kiddin'. My psychiatrist is so ditzy. She bedazzles her laptop.
But, she is really good with meds, so I'm going back on Friday.
This is one reason why: yesterday, I told my sister that it was my brother's birthday. She asked me if I thought it was June. Yep, I was a month behind. Crazy 'cuz I KNOW it is the same day as my sister's anniversary, and I totally REMEMBER her anniversary happening this year (mainly due to the fact that her husband gave her a trip to FRANCE).
And another date thing. Today is Andy's birthday (HURRAY FOR ANDY!). We are having cake after church on Sunday with the whole family. August 1st is his trip to Idaho. He told me he'd be gone from Friday until Sunday around dinner time. "Great!" I said. "Do you mind if we go right over to Mom's and have cake on the way home from the airport?" "Um, okay, but that is August 3rd." WHAT? Not this weekend? I knew it was the first week in August. And I knew this weekend was Andy's birthday. So, how I combined those 2 weekends into one only the Shrinky-Dink may know.
In any case, new meds are in order. I'm not this scatter-brained in real life; apparently only in Lamictal life. But I'm REALLY scared to switch medications again. What if something really bad happens like I go back to the way I've been in the past? The really bad way. The pouring Cheerios on the floor so my kids can eat whenever they want since I can't get off the couch to feed them. Man, that terrifies me. So pray. I know He answers.
But, she is really good with meds, so I'm going back on Friday.
This is one reason why: yesterday, I told my sister that it was my brother's birthday. She asked me if I thought it was June. Yep, I was a month behind. Crazy 'cuz I KNOW it is the same day as my sister's anniversary, and I totally REMEMBER her anniversary happening this year (mainly due to the fact that her husband gave her a trip to FRANCE).
And another date thing. Today is Andy's birthday (HURRAY FOR ANDY!). We are having cake after church on Sunday with the whole family. August 1st is his trip to Idaho. He told me he'd be gone from Friday until Sunday around dinner time. "Great!" I said. "Do you mind if we go right over to Mom's and have cake on the way home from the airport?" "Um, okay, but that is August 3rd." WHAT? Not this weekend? I knew it was the first week in August. And I knew this weekend was Andy's birthday. So, how I combined those 2 weekends into one only the Shrinky-Dink may know.
In any case, new meds are in order. I'm not this scatter-brained in real life; apparently only in Lamictal life. But I'm REALLY scared to switch medications again. What if something really bad happens like I go back to the way I've been in the past? The really bad way. The pouring Cheerios on the floor so my kids can eat whenever they want since I can't get off the couch to feed them. Man, that terrifies me. So pray. I know He answers.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Counting my blessings
I have a body with all parts and all functioning as well.
I have a fantastic husband.
He is blinded by love.
My kids love me unconditionally.
I love them unconditionally.
I have the gospel of Christ.
My past has been forgiven.
I have the Book of Mormon and the Bible.
I have REALLY strong, loyal friends. Thanks, y'all.
I live close to a LOT of my immediate family.
I'm friends with them.
I get to be Harris' habilitation aide.
I like my calling as Stake Primary Music Leader.
I have a home.
We are a 2-car family.
I have food, and I know how to cook it.
I live in America.
I don't care if people don't like me. :) That's more important than it may sound (b/c sometimes I REALLY care, and that hurts.)
No matter how much furniture I throw out the back door, I seem to always have more.
I'm getting good at being a home executive.
I get to teach piano to my nieces and nephews which makes that skill feel valuable.
I'm sure there are more, but I HAVE to go get a bowl of cereal b/c it is currently 3:20 am and I'm STARVING. I really love y'all. Thanks for all the encouragement. It makes me feel really good.
I have a fantastic husband.
He is blinded by love.
My kids love me unconditionally.
I love them unconditionally.
I have the gospel of Christ.
My past has been forgiven.
I have the Book of Mormon and the Bible.
I have REALLY strong, loyal friends. Thanks, y'all.
I live close to a LOT of my immediate family.
I'm friends with them.
I get to be Harris' habilitation aide.
I like my calling as Stake Primary Music Leader.
I have a home.
We are a 2-car family.
I have food, and I know how to cook it.
I live in America.
I don't care if people don't like me. :) That's more important than it may sound (b/c sometimes I REALLY care, and that hurts.)
No matter how much furniture I throw out the back door, I seem to always have more.
I'm getting good at being a home executive.
I get to teach piano to my nieces and nephews which makes that skill feel valuable.
I'm sure there are more, but I HAVE to go get a bowl of cereal b/c it is currently 3:20 am and I'm STARVING. I really love y'all. Thanks for all the encouragement. It makes me feel really good.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Presto Change-o!
I don't know what it is that makes a girl's self-esteem vanish into thin air, but it is some powerful stuff. ("Could it be....Satan?" c'mon - Dana Carvey as the church lady on SNL!) Yeah, so, I don't have any. Again.
I'm sitting here at the computer while my family eats dinner because if I go in there and eat and here ONE negative comment about ANY of it, I will crumple to the floor, never to stand again. I can hear them asking Daddy why Mommy isn't eating with them. I say, "Cuz Mommy needs a break!" "A break from us?" they ask hesitantly. "No," replies their wise and kind father. "Yes," replies my mind.
Yet it really isn't them I need a break from. I mean, I DO, but that's not the problemo. The problemo is that if I make one teensy tiny mistake, or, if I ALMOST make a mistake but catch myself in the nick of time, I feel like a failure. I know, very pathetic. And do you know what sucks up the last bit of self-esteem I might have left? Feeling pathetic. Oh, it's ugly, folks.
Now is when I would usually tell Andy to buy me 5 candy bars and a 12 pack (of Coke!), but I am not doing that. I'm healthily blogging with the intention of exercising after the kids go down in about half an hour. Someone please be proud. Because if that doesn't work, I really am out of ideas. I'll pray. Wait a minute - I'll do that first ;) I may be slow, but I can be taught! And then I'll make a list of some blessings. I'll post it. That'll make me feel good.
I'm sitting here at the computer while my family eats dinner because if I go in there and eat and here ONE negative comment about ANY of it, I will crumple to the floor, never to stand again. I can hear them asking Daddy why Mommy isn't eating with them. I say, "Cuz Mommy needs a break!" "A break from us?" they ask hesitantly. "No," replies their wise and kind father. "Yes," replies my mind.
Yet it really isn't them I need a break from. I mean, I DO, but that's not the problemo. The problemo is that if I make one teensy tiny mistake, or, if I ALMOST make a mistake but catch myself in the nick of time, I feel like a failure. I know, very pathetic. And do you know what sucks up the last bit of self-esteem I might have left? Feeling pathetic. Oh, it's ugly, folks.
Now is when I would usually tell Andy to buy me 5 candy bars and a 12 pack (of Coke!), but I am not doing that. I'm healthily blogging with the intention of exercising after the kids go down in about half an hour. Someone please be proud. Because if that doesn't work, I really am out of ideas. I'll pray. Wait a minute - I'll do that first ;) I may be slow, but I can be taught! And then I'll make a list of some blessings. I'll post it. That'll make me feel good.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I'M BORED!!
Arrrgh! I am NOT used to this feeling, and I really don't like it. What am I supposed to do? I have searched the entire internet - yes the whole thing; I have finished my book; I have now posted on this stupid blog; I can't watch tv b/c my kids are; it's raining outside, and every time I try to start something, 3 little kids find something new to whine about that requires my immediate attention. And I am SO BORED! Ugh. I really never never get bored, and I am not handling it very gracefully. Mostly I'm flopping on things and sighing. OH, and trying not to eat. I think normally if I were bored I would eat. I would delete this boring post, but I gotta stay true to my convictions which are: if I'm bored, you have to be too.
Monday, July 7, 2008
See Last Post including Comments
Alright! When I said, Sarah, that you would call me out, I meant about me trash talking myself, not being ur idiot and forgetting Book Club in which we were to discuss The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, which, yes folks, is the book that I picked! Personally, I believe that warrants a free trash-talk for me*. Here it is:
I ate a Peanut Butter Twix for my healthy snack this afternoon. YES on my first day of my new beginning! But, you NEVER SEE THOSE! And they are soooo good. And peanut butter is healthy. And I wonder why my fat apron is still tied (thanks Court!)
Oh, and the song is in honor of you, Sarah. The second song is in honor of me ;)
*Sarah calling me out on the book warrants the free pass, not me missing the book club discussion during which, apparently, was some fabulous discussion. I highly recommend the book to girls. All of 'em. Over age 9.
I ate a Peanut Butter Twix for my healthy snack this afternoon. YES on my first day of my new beginning! But, you NEVER SEE THOSE! And they are soooo good. And peanut butter is healthy. And I wonder why my fat apron is still tied (thanks Court!)
Oh, and the song is in honor of you, Sarah. The second song is in honor of me ;)
*Sarah calling me out on the book warrants the free pass, not me missing the book club discussion during which, apparently, was some fabulous discussion. I highly recommend the book to girls. All of 'em. Over age 9.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
A new beginning...
I just feel that I must acknowledge this Sunday due to last Sunday's post. First off, and this is TMI, last Sunday I had PMS. It was probably funny, and I just didn't get it at the time :) Secondly, this Sunday was LOVELY. I did sharing time in Primary, and even though it was still hectic and I was still nervous, it was really fun. And that, my friends, is how I know it was mostly me.
NOW, I have something ELSE to say:
Tomorrow I start a rigorous 6 days a week/6 week exercise program. Here is the deal: I will NOT badmouth my body, mention my weight, or talk about the junkfood I eat for the duration of the plan1. When I have completed this on August 16th, if there isn't enough improvement to warrant the amount of agony and boredom I'll be in, I will resume my craptalk and NOBODY will stop me or disagree, you hear?! Sarah, I know you read this, and I know you'll call me out if I forget, so thank you.
1This does NOT apply to maligning my home, my car, my kids (kidding) my HAIR, or my skin. Or my smell. Or being blind and deaf and crazy. I gotta have some things left for me, ya know?
NOW, I have something ELSE to say:
Tomorrow I start a rigorous 6 days a week/6 week exercise program. Here is the deal: I will NOT badmouth my body, mention my weight, or talk about the junkfood I eat for the duration of the plan1. When I have completed this on August 16th, if there isn't enough improvement to warrant the amount of agony and boredom I'll be in, I will resume my craptalk and NOBODY will stop me or disagree, you hear?! Sarah, I know you read this, and I know you'll call me out if I forget, so thank you.
1This does NOT apply to maligning my home, my car, my kids (kidding) my HAIR, or my skin. Or my smell. Or being blind and deaf and crazy. I gotta have some things left for me, ya know?
Friday, July 4, 2008
Happy Independence Day!
This is so lame:
I couldn't make myself call the shrink to say that I think my additional medication needs to increase, and since I'm only using samples currently, I need a prescription. I know it sounds easy. If you've ever been in that place, though, please, give a shout. Unless you are in that place right now.
ANYWAY, Liz was taking her daughter up there yesterday, so I ...wrote a note. Yep. Who does that? I wrote a note to my psychiatrist and I sent it to her with my neice. It felt like high school. I'm gonna do it every time!
Just so you know, they sent back more samples and told me to come in 3 weeks. I think that is about the most ideal outcome I could expect. Plus, no talking to anyone. AND she upped my meds! Hurray!
I declare my independence from talking directly to my doctor! You have a CHOICE people!1
1No disrespect of actual Independence day here. In case you can't tell by my tricked out blog, I LOVE America!
I couldn't make myself call the shrink to say that I think my additional medication needs to increase, and since I'm only using samples currently, I need a prescription. I know it sounds easy. If you've ever been in that place, though, please, give a shout. Unless you are in that place right now.
ANYWAY, Liz was taking her daughter up there yesterday, so I ...wrote a note. Yep. Who does that? I wrote a note to my psychiatrist and I sent it to her with my neice. It felt like high school. I'm gonna do it every time!
Just so you know, they sent back more samples and told me to come in 3 weeks. I think that is about the most ideal outcome I could expect. Plus, no talking to anyone. AND she upped my meds! Hurray!
I declare my independence from talking directly to my doctor! You have a CHOICE people!1
1No disrespect of actual Independence day here. In case you can't tell by my tricked out blog, I LOVE America!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Sunday Bloody Sunday
Sunday this week deserves it's own posting. It was the worst.
Andy stayed home with Gabe who had a fever. I forgot I was subbing singing time in Primary, but I had awoken early enough to get it all done with plenty of time left.
All was well until... 3rd hour meeting. Ok, all WASN'T ok - I felt anxiety and pressure rising and rising as the day progressed. Can I go to nursery right now and sing? Yes (I forgot to bring nursery stuff, but I can wing it). Can I play the piano (I think; it could be lead the music) in Relief Society for the month of July? Yes, but not next Sunday b/c I'm doing sharing time. Can you come lead the opening song for third hour right now? I don't know, I am supposed to be here in Primary. Well, she said you could come as long as you are back in 5 minutes. Um, ok. Great, it is #224, but we have to go now!
Let me stop you here. THIS, my friends, is the bloody part of the Sunday. Let's continue...
Oops! I forgot it was 5th Sunday - the sisters and brethren are meeting together. In the gym. NO piano. What is #224? "I Have Work Enough to Do." Ever heard of it? Nope. Can I sight read? Nope. Has ANYONE else ever heard of it? Not in my ward. Imagine, if you will, me, standing alone, before a hundred grownups, trying to sight-sing and lead some never-before-heard hymn that nobody else is singing, a capella. It was a humiliating bloodbath. I closed after 1 verse and booked it out of there, burning to the ears, I'm sure.
Listen, "leading" and "singing a capella" are not interchangeable skills. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can wave his or her arm back and forth while people sing along to the music. No music, no singing along. Arm waving becomes ineffectual.
"I need more information before I commit," is my new catchphrase.
Andy stayed home with Gabe who had a fever. I forgot I was subbing singing time in Primary, but I had awoken early enough to get it all done with plenty of time left.
All was well until... 3rd hour meeting. Ok, all WASN'T ok - I felt anxiety and pressure rising and rising as the day progressed. Can I go to nursery right now and sing? Yes (I forgot to bring nursery stuff, but I can wing it). Can I play the piano (I think; it could be lead the music) in Relief Society for the month of July? Yes, but not next Sunday b/c I'm doing sharing time. Can you come lead the opening song for third hour right now? I don't know, I am supposed to be here in Primary. Well, she said you could come as long as you are back in 5 minutes. Um, ok. Great, it is #224, but we have to go now!
Let me stop you here. THIS, my friends, is the bloody part of the Sunday. Let's continue...
Oops! I forgot it was 5th Sunday - the sisters and brethren are meeting together. In the gym. NO piano. What is #224? "I Have Work Enough to Do." Ever heard of it? Nope. Can I sight read? Nope. Has ANYONE else ever heard of it? Not in my ward. Imagine, if you will, me, standing alone, before a hundred grownups, trying to sight-sing and lead some never-before-heard hymn that nobody else is singing, a capella. It was a humiliating bloodbath. I closed after 1 verse and booked it out of there, burning to the ears, I'm sure.
Listen, "leading" and "singing a capella" are not interchangeable skills. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can wave his or her arm back and forth while people sing along to the music. No music, no singing along. Arm waving becomes ineffectual.
"I need more information before I commit," is my new catchphrase.
"Be Excellent to Each Other"
When I am really struggling with my self and all my ANTs (automatic negative thoughts, thanks Liz), talking to someone who has known me my whole life and who shares my upbringing is most triumphant.
I DO forget or don't recognize my strengths. (Also weaknesses, but good family doesn't kick you while you're down.) I'm going to the temple today for my anniversary. THAT is the best kind of family. I'm looking forward to being someplace where I'm completely known and loved. No wonder the temple is a respite from the world.
So, it is our anniversary. Nine freakin' years! Can you believe it? Here's what gets me: in 9 more years, I'll be forty. Forty. Forty.
Is it even possible? If feels like it is right on top of me! Geez! Oh, speaking of that, I have postponed my desire for Botox. :) Yep, I'm going to age naturally if not gracefully. This week.
Other news:
My sister-in-law and her family have been here for 4 days visiting from South Africa. It is always neato to see my kids make relationships with their cousins, aunt and uncle. Kids love so quickly. I wish them safe travellin' and can't wait to see them again. I'm sure my kids will be writing letters in place of going to Africa to see them, which they are begging to do. They don't understand ticket prices. Sounds like the county fair to them.
On that fine note, I'm off to have laundry/pay bills/make menu/clean fridge/list errands for errand day tomorrow day. Thank y'all each for being the people who help me when I'm sucky.
Party on Dudes!
I DO forget or don't recognize my strengths. (Also weaknesses, but good family doesn't kick you while you're down.) I'm going to the temple today for my anniversary. THAT is the best kind of family. I'm looking forward to being someplace where I'm completely known and loved. No wonder the temple is a respite from the world.
So, it is our anniversary. Nine freakin' years! Can you believe it? Here's what gets me: in 9 more years, I'll be forty. Forty. Forty.
Is it even possible? If feels like it is right on top of me! Geez! Oh, speaking of that, I have postponed my desire for Botox. :) Yep, I'm going to age naturally if not gracefully. This week.
Other news:
My sister-in-law and her family have been here for 4 days visiting from South Africa. It is always neato to see my kids make relationships with their cousins, aunt and uncle. Kids love so quickly. I wish them safe travellin' and can't wait to see them again. I'm sure my kids will be writing letters in place of going to Africa to see them, which they are begging to do. They don't understand ticket prices. Sounds like the county fair to them.
On that fine note, I'm off to have laundry/pay bills/make menu/clean fridge/list errands for errand day tomorrow day. Thank y'all each for being the people who help me when I'm sucky.
Party on Dudes!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)