I don't want to hear it

I'm mad at an Ensign article, and yes it's me being prideful, and yes I know the message being given is worthwhile and doctrinally correct and blah blah blah. I'm just being petty, and I don't really care.

Here it is: I knew the article was written by a man even though the name was withheld. Oh, it was. He talked about upholding his priesthood. But I knew. Because he was talking about the subject in a detached, analytical manner that pissed me off. Oh, it is the one about bipolar disorder in this month's issue. I feel like, even though he is right, he is being so preachy about it. Ugh. "Oh my gosh, I was so devastated when I found out I was bipolar! I have no future! Waaaah!" Yeah, way to be. It isn't the end of the freaking world. It isn't the worst thing anybody ever heard in a doctor's office. It isn't like they said, "You have dead-in-two-weeks disease." Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

Don't tell me what to do! Don't talk about it like, "Gee, it's hard. I've been there. You ought to do this instead of what you are doing. Then you'll be just fine."

No, it wasn't even like that - It was more like, "One who feels this way should feel this other way because that is correct doctrine." WE KNOW. It isn't easy, stupid. And what is up with "name withheld?" Here you are - I mean, here one is, saying you want to dispel misconceptions and increase understanding of mental illness, but I don't want anyone to know I have it.

Nobody try to get this guy off the hook. Or sympathize. I just want to yell about it and throw the magazine across the room (done already), and get over it on my own. It's just another case of stupid sunshine hymns.

There is a distinct lack of good parenting going on.

I'm basically writing this post because I'm sick of looking at the last one.

I got to sub as chorister in Primary today. It is SO the place I wish I could be! Granted, I'm not in there for the weekly stressers, but still. I am so happy to be in there.

My entire family slept from 2:30 to 6:30 this afternoon. I woke up in the dark to Gabe crying in his room. The rest of the family trickled down shortly thereafter. We have had so many late nights and early starts over the past week. So, the kids are all jazzed up, and I want to lounge around and not be bothered. The usual activities we would shuffle them off to aren't really available due to incredibly lazy parents. I'll explain:

• It's the Sabbath, so they can't use the computer. Obviously, I can. And am.
• It's the Sabbath, so they can't watch tv. So Andy is watching it.
• Food is always a good distraction, but all the dishes are dirty and neither Andy nor I want to wash them.
• Playing in the living room is interfering with Andy watching tv.
• They love playing in the bath, but that would require either me or Andy to get up and go in the bathroom. Ain't gonna happen.

I just told them to go upstairs since now all the lights are on. It was an extreme effort for me to haul my sorry self up there to turn them on. Man, this is where a nanny would be extremely handy. The Mary Poppins kind who would "mold our young breed" as Mrs. Banks puts it. They'd be off tidying the nursery and learning all sorts of life lessons while we, as parents, went about without one clue as to what they were up to. Glorious.

I'd forgotten that the kids have new Primary classes next week. The girls were all excited about it after church today. It happens too quickly. (That might be vaguely connected to shuffling them off with Mary Poppins and having no clue about their lives.)

You know the title of my blog?

Right up there - "Onward and Upward (Sometimes Downward)". Yeah, that's the one. Well, strangely, I'm not in either place. Perhaps I should change it to "Onward and Upward (Sometimes Downward and Periodically Stationary). Because I am currently in a holding pattern. Not up or down. Not happy or sad. Just treading water, feeling not much of anything, and not wanting to change anything or make any waves.

I'm not really in this place that much. And it's been a long while since I was last here. I can't say it bothers me (see above where I said I'm not feeling much), but I do feel like perhaps it isn't the right way to be. That I ought to be wanting a change and doing something about that. I mean, shouldn't I want feelings? Shouldn't I want to progress and feel close to the Lord and try to pray and read scriptures and all that stuff? Well, I don't. Furthermore, I really DO NOT want to feel those things. I'm almost actively digging in and resisting change. I can't really figure out why. Of course, I don't spend a lot of time or energy trying to figure out why.

That being said, Christmas was just fine. Nice, lots of family, happy kids, friendly feelings, thoughtful gifts. I am about to go lie on the couch and not watch whatever Andy is putting on TV (we have very different viewing preferences, and I usually get my way, so why not?)

Present Dash

Andy and I picked up gifts for the kids at Walmart yesterday in a mad dash. We were gone from the house for... 45 minutes!!! Be amazed.

Anyway, we spent about $15 per, and they will enjoy what they get. We went to the new Walmart and there wasn't even a line (although we did see a couple of ward brethren doing wife-errands).

So, a leisurely Christmas Eve! And raining. Can't we get a break :)

Was there ever anything more true?

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Back to the Drawing Board

So, I just found out for sure that my kids' Christmas presents will not be here on Christmas. I ordered them on the fifth. Yep. Eighteen days ago. Due to a couple of hang-ups, they aren't even ready to ship!

So, what do I do? I am pretty adamant about only giving them one gift. But NO gift on Christmas morning is sad, even to me. (Actually, we didn't give them anything at all 2 years ago, but they were too young to notice. I had just had Gabe!!!) Besides, what would I get? How much money am I actually going to spend?! WHY do I have to go out and try to shop 2 days before Christmas when I was SO SO responsible and finished it all early!? NOW I feel sorry for myself and my kids.

Now, my sisters might tell you that my kids aren't missing much anyway b/c they are only getting hooded bath robes (monogrammed, mind you). But, my nerdy little kids will go ballistic over them. They love that sort of stuff! But, unlike a toy, robes a week later don't carry as much bang.

I can't believe that I feel so morose over it. I feel gypped. (Is that how you spell that word?) I had another present go down the same way, but if it doesn't get here on Wednesday, the lady will drive it to me. It was supposed to ship here from HOUSTON, and yet...

But how could I get my Christmas shopping done any earlier than I did? I mean, the fifth! I'll tell you what - I had no trouble at all receiving orders from amazon.com and ebay.com. Maybe that's the key. Just stick with those big-name online stores.

Terrible Two Christening

Gabe turned 2 yesterday. I woke up to poo all over his room this morning. What's wrong with him?

I cleaned him, and Andy cleaned the room, and I buckled him down in a backwards onesie under his shorts. He's napping now (supposedly). Argh.

In other news...

My family had a game night last night which was SO FUN! We play some regular, trademarked games, and we play some made-up ones. Best one of the night: My brother wrapped a present several times. Two people roll and roll and roll dice until one of them gets doubles. Then he gets to put on oven mitts and try to unwrap the present while the next person in line takes his place rolling the dice. Whoever gets doubles gets to try unwrapping, and the one who finally gets it unwrapped gets to keep the present. Great for kids and adults alike!

Hubby Tag

I'm copying Carol!

1. He's sitting in front of the tv. What's on the screen?
Hard one - he likes a lot of stuff. I'm going with sports, though.

2. You are out to eat. What dressing does he get on his salad?
Ranch. Always ranch.

3. What's one food he doesn't like?
Beans.

4. You go out to a bar. What does he drink first?
Virgin colada.

5. Where did he go to high school?
Terry High in Rosenburg TX

6. If he were to collect anything, what would it be?
All the trash he's ever touched in his entire life. That man keeps everything. Just ask me about the lucky lemon one day. Seriously.

7. What shoe size does he wear?
Eleven

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
Maybe Philly cheesesteak from Philly.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
Bob's Taco Station

10. What would he never wear?
I'm with Carol - an earring.

11. What is his favorite sports team?
Probably some soccer team in Chile. I'm beginning to think I don't know the man. No, I'm not blaming myself. These questions are actually hard b/c if you asked Andy any of these (except the high school) he'd say, "That depends..."

12. What is something you do that he wishes you didn't do so much?
Talk ugly about myself.

13. How many states has he lived in?
Three - Utah, Texas, New Jersey.

14. What is his heritage?
English, German.

15. You bake him a cake for his birthday. What kind of cake would it be?
Chocolate coconut. We call it "Almond Joy" cake.

16. Did he play sports in high school?
Soccer.

17. What could he spend hours doing?
Facebook.

18. I'm adding this one of my own - does he read your blog?
He says he does. I'm not so sure.

Caffeine

Yeah, I had a lot over the last couple of days. I actually can't believe it has been almost 9 months since I kicked the habit. (Two days does NOT constitute a habit. It was an exception). I'm pretty proud of myself that I've gone so long. I forgot to buy unleaded Coke at the store on Monday - and I sure as hell ain't going back (don't say hell, it's an almost-cuss). So, back to water. I'm about to go ship a package and hit the gym, and then I'm going to contemplate Christmas.

Ah, Christmas. The holiday I love, and I ain't feelin' it. I haven't focused on the spiritual aspect, and I feel like I'm missing Christmas. Oh my gosh - I sound like Cindy Lou Who in Jim Carrey's Grinch. Anyway, I'm not very spiritually healthy at the moment, and I'm pretty apathetic about changing that. I am going to contemplate some ways to have my family focus on Christ and experience that peace. I want it to be more prevalent in their minds than the other stuff when they think back.

On the lighter side - my kids are cracking me up about Santa. So, they know the truth. Whatev. But all the adults around them, of course, talk about him and get the kids excited about him and everything. And my kids think those adults are kinda, well, dumb. Claire (age 4, mind you) came home from ballet on Monday and said something about Santa gives us presents. I said, "Yep! You know Santa isn't real though." And she said, "Yep! But my dance teacher does." She looked so embarressed for her teacher. I said, "Well, it's our own family secret, then!" She smiled and shook her head like she was thinking, "Poor pitiful fools." Just so you know, I sure did hear her commanding her sister and cousin, and I quote, "Those are y'all's jobs that you have to do because I'm the queen."

Really?

7:45 am.

37 degrees.

Dude on my street is washing his car.

Is it just me?

Shopping

Well, I haven't actually been grocery shopping since about a week before Thanksgiving. Yeah, you heard me. I've just been picking up a few basics here and there to keep my kids from starving - bread, milk, can of biscuits. We've been eating out a lot. I have done this because I really hate shopping, and I really hate planning a menu, and I really hate cooking.

So, I have to go tomorrow. I have to. Gabe just drank down my last can of evaporated milk. The bread is gone. There is nothing to drink but tap water. So, I'm making a list - screw checking it once, much less twice - and it feels like I'm writing out vocabulary words in high school. Pointless. Time consuming. BORING. Busy work.

And, for a long time now, I have not been able to come up with meal ideas. The ones I've come up with have turned out pretty bad. And nothing really sounds good to me, either. I mean, besides soda and candy and, occasionally, chili. (I don't know what it is about me and chili. Love love love. I can eat the whole can myself with about four ounces of cheese and a whole sleeve of saltines. I love frito pie. I love chili dogs. I would love chili fries if I liked fries.)

OH! And another reason I don't want to go is that I have lots of events happening this week, and that isn't like me. I don't want to add another one. Especially one I hate. I already have 2 others tomorrow that are gonna suck. The rest this week I'm really excited about, otherwise I wouldn't have booked so much. ("Booked". Listen to me, like I'm a professional or something!) But I'm not giving them up. I'm just afraid I'll start forgetting stuff.

Aww CRUD! I just realized that I won't be able to go to yoga tomorrow b/c of conflicting plans. Argh. Well, I'll be sure to soothe myself with some coke and peanut butter m&ms. That's almost as effective as the gym :)

The bed or the couch?

That's been my day. I felt a little under the weather last night, and I kinda took it real slow today. It seems like I never saw my kids. Andy took Gabe until around 3pm, and I laid around. The girls played on their own and then napped with me. Then Andy took the girls to see "Bolt" and Gabe napped (he's got a cold, I think) and I kept laying around. Now they are all sleeping, Andy's out, and I'm still laying around. Well, I'm currently sitting with the anticipation of laying down very soon. I'm waiting for Hugh Laurie (that would be Dr. House, or, to those of us who know, Bertie Wooster) to host SNL tonight.

Well, that's it. Boring, yes, I know. But I'm not unhappy, and my kids are being adorable. See lots of y'all tomorrow at the new building!

Annual Ugly Ornament Exchange

2008 Ugly Ornament Contenders

Each year, our family has an ugly ornament exchange - BEST tradition EVER! I never laugh as hard as I do at this thing. Plus, it's a contest, so the winner gets a pretty ornament (and a hideous tiara that must be worn).

There are rules to follow:

1. The ornament must be bought - not handmade, not used.
2. It must be marketed and intended as a tree ornament (as opposed to a lawn decoration, for example).
3. You have to put it on your tree every year!

The competition is RUTHLESS. Mine didn't even make the starting line this year. It ended up being cute. In the store, it looked like an egg in boots, a Santa hat, and a bird sitting on its head. Although we concluded that it is a melting snowball, it wasn't even in the same league as the other contenders. Seeing it in the store, you could appreciate that it is just, well, ridiculous. But it didn't make the cut.

The pictures CANNOT do justice to the ornaments. Each one must be examined to discover the subtleties of ugliness. One of the three little dogs, for example, has a Christmas tree strapped to the back of his head. The gold crest, well, who wants a deer head crest hanging on their tree? How is that Christmas? I couldn't get over the bird. The hat with the feathers, the long creepy bird legs, and then high heels? What up? There are 2 stockings because two people found them hideous enough to buy. One has a curly toe and the other toe is kinda unraveled. (They remind me of the feet of the Wicked Witch of the East after the ruby slippers are removed, and they curl up and disappear under Dorothy's house.) The lobster actually had a string (with a sun hat on the end) that pulled the claws up and down.

And the winner is...


The picture can't capture the hideousness. It's a deer head, antlers, and forelegs emerging from the front of the ball. Sarah (the recipient) said she was afraid to drive home alone with it. My sis-in-law Ally gave it. Here's the shot of her with her tiara and prize (it's a lovely glass reindeer, since it isn't too visible):


I received one of the ugly stockings. Here it is on my tree:


And here's a collage of all the ugly ornaments of the past that are hanging on my tree (the head fell off the angel; all the uglier):



Okay, okay, you may think to yourself, "I like that ornament!" or even, "I have that ornament!" Please don't be offended - my mom usually thinks half of them are adorable. We have learned a few lessons from past years, however. One is don't talk about what you are doing when you are in the store picking out ornaments. The other shoppers are picking the same ones out for the OPPOSITE reason, and we have (unintentionally) laughed them out of the aisle. Same goes for opening them in the restaurant where we exchange them, although you can see below that we have a hard time controlling ourselves there. You know, I don't know why we always pick a public place for the exchange; we get so rowdy!

Dinner Party

Laura has a post listing the 10 fictional people she'd have over for a dinner party (ensembles count as one, such as Laurel and Hardy or The Brady Bunch).

Well, I left my list in her comments, but I can't stop thinking about all the people I left out. Real people AND fictional. So here's my OTHER 10:

1. Queen Latifah - I want to be this lady.
2. John Cusack - you know how there's some celebrities you just wanna talk to?
   
3. Harry Connick, Jr. - first off, we need music. second, we need eye candy
4. Iron Man - he's so funny! And he can fly. And he's rich. But mostly he's funny.
   
5. Katie Holmes - just kidding. I can't stand her. The real #5 is Jane Eyre as played by Ruth Wilson. I'd be able to watch her face and wait for her insightful, blunt comments to all the celebrities.
   
6. Viola and Sebastian Hastings - both played by Amanda Bynes - just when I think I don't like her, I watch "She's The Man". Hilarious! She'd be running in and out, changing personas, making up excuses...
   
7. Buddy - Will Ferrell in "Elf." "SANTA!! I KNOW HIM!!!!"
8. Drew Barrymore - She just seems so likeable and easy to talk to.
9. Will Smith - he can bring Jada. Either way, cool guy.
10. Owen and Luke Wilson! - can you imagine them together?!
    

Is it already Monday?

Alright, apparently making known my non-compliance with holiday decorating has led me to feel free enough to decorate. Go figure.

I feel like I need to clarify - I don't refuse to decorate; I just don't feel obligated. My holiday spirit doesn't hinge on it.

So, a little tree and a couple of shelves in my bookcase caught the Christmas spirit. The kids are stoked. I had to push all my furniture around to get that blamed tree in there, but at least under the couch got cleaned out.

I forgot to pick Charlotte up for school today. She paid me back by repeatedly refusing to eat her dinner, saying, "This doesn't look like food." It was turkey tetrazzini.

I keep wishing I had a great book to read. I flew through the last three "Twilight" books in less than a week, and now I feel like I've lost my entertainment. I'm not getting any books for myself b/c I asked for some for Christmas. I hate delaying. I also hate surprises.

Oh, there's ANOTHER thing - I really do hate surprises. Just tell me whatever it is you have to tell me. It's not a surprise if you know it's there, but you just don't know what it is. That's just torture. It's a surprise when you never see it coming. And those kind - the real kind - are alright by me.

Hey, here's a shout out to hygiene! I'm giving it another chance. I can't remember when I started thinking that showering less than three days apart was just silly. So, I've been doing this shower-shave-dress-hair-makeup thing, and it is the weirdest feeling - like high school! I mean, I didn't get all dolled up (ever!), but I was at least clean and dressed. I think I even shaved once or twice a week! I'm only a couple of days in, but it's pretty nice. I feel like when I leave the house at a moment's notice, I don't have to scramble as much to find, you know, shoes or a bra or a hat.

It's getting late, and since I'm actually gonna wash my face and remove my makeup, I better get started.

Seriously, I can't believe you people keep reading this. You are very loyal friends.

My kinda Christmas

Ok, I know (from other people) that my take on Christmas is a little different. So, I'm going to explain it all right now.

I don't really decorate. In fact, my dear friend (and blogstalker - I know you're reading this!) gave me a 4 foot prelit tree 2 years ago b/c I refused to get one. I also don't care if I ever decorate cookies or make a gingerbread house or get a new ornament every year or anything like that. My kids don't believe in Santa. Yep, you heard me.

But I'm not the Grinch.

I also like to have a very small Christmas. My kids get their stockings filled and then one present from their parents. Just one. On a personal level, I enjoy receiving gifts, but I'd be fine with not exchanging Christmas gifts ever. Andy and I rarely do it.

But I'm not Scrooge.

I just hate shopping. All year long. For anything. Christmas is harder, of course, because of the sheer number of presents which is also the number of lists you have to bully out of your loved ones. And believe me, I need a list. I am a very sucky present picker. I forget the names of all the loved ones Andy, my kids, and me drew. So, that's one part. Another part is that kids stop paying attention after opening about 3 presents. The rest is wasted on them. And my family is large, so they get tons of presents anyway.

Here's the thing: I LOVE Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Boy, now I really sound like the Grinch. The POST heart-growing-3-sizes Grinch. I don't feel any less Christmas spirit without a tree or lights or cookies or Santa. I feel just as happy and excited and Christmasy as anyone else. I am not actively opposing those Christmas trappings¹; I enjoy them when they are here. I admire them. I just don't need them. I usually opt out b/c I'm the kind of person who will leave them up until July. Ugh. But my kids are asking for some, and I'm happy to oblige.

And about Santa: Two-fold reason I didn't encourage my kids to believe. One: I cannot maintain the amount of elaborate lying it would take to keep Charlotte from finding out the truth. The kid has mad questioning skills, and she doesn't miss one detail. So, as soon as she started asking how the Santa-elf-Walmart system went down, I just told her the truth. She didn't care. And I mean not one little bit. She thought it was a little weird that people tried to make people believe it's real, but she didn't have a negative reaction to the news. This was maybe 2 years ago. So, we read the Saint Nicholas legend and talked about how the tradition came about and how we will still play it every year because it is fun. And don't worry - I told her Santa is a grown-up secret that only grown-ups can tell kids. She's down with it².

Second: I felt like I really struggled feeling as excited about Christmas after I knew there is no Santa. It was probably college before I was able to disassociate all the Santa cheer from the holiday and enjoy the actual meaning of Christmas. Yeah, yeah. People say they really do love the true meaning of Christmas, but I'm telling you. That excitement generated by a real Santa comes crashing down as soon as the truth is known, and it is hard to ever feel that excited again. I really want my kids to have a shot at feeling the real Christmas spirit every year, so that the revelation about Santa will never happen and crush their Christmas expectations. Am I making sense?

Let me reiterate: my kids appear to be EXACTLY as excited about Christmas as every other kid. They talk about Santa Claus and reindeer and stockings and whatnot. They know it's a game, but apparently, that makes no difference to the anticipation. So there. Without presents and Christmas lights and cookie presents, Christmas comes just the same. So there.

Na hoo doray.

¹Except for the year that my friend bought the tree. But I'd had a baby 6 days before Christmas, and there was NO WAY that I was messing with that crap in my ninth month! Or cleaning it up after! But I am grateful b/c I love my little tree.

²She was MORE down with it before Kindergarten. Her teacher is spinning tales, and Char wants to believe her. You know how your teachers know way more than your parents. I set her straight.

Backslidin' Fool

Back on the crack - uh, I mean soda. Bought 3 12-packs last night, and I am drinking them with abandon. Don't worry - like every addict, I am happier this way!

I'm trying to pay more attention to my kids. You know, the REAL attention. Even when I'm actually interacting with them, I hardly make eye-contact. Actually, I hardly make eye-contact with anyone. I hate it. Babies, yes. I don't know what age they hit where it turns for me. Claire doesn't seem to care (mostly because she is all about Claire, and she has always received the attention she wants because she demands it), but Charlotte is really responding. I'm trying to let go of the guilt associated with slacking in this area. Poor girl.

I'm also trying to improve my posture. Every bleeping picture I saw of myself from this past week, I'm slumping. And now, I keep realizing that I'm hunching all day long. Straighten your spine, Quasimoto! I remember consciously doing this in elementary school. I was sitting down at lunch, and I looked down the aisle for whatever reason, and I noticed that my back was all slumped down, and everyone else was sitting straight. By high school, people complimented me on my posture (weird, I know). So, it's possible. Silly, but possible. At least it's a goal I can actually accomplish. Although, two goals at once? I don't know...

I finished the last Twilight book last night. I'm STILL on Team Jacob. I just prefer his kind of love to the obsessive Bella-Edward kind. Still, Sarah, it's good. You should read it. My fave part of the series is the Quileute tribe.

OH! I saw "Four Christmases." BOOooooo! Don't even rent it.

Proof I take a bad picture, Sarah

The ton of steel came crashing down

So, the day started well after I finally dragged myself out of bed. That was due, in large part, to my mom making Charlotte's lunch last night. The steel came down at 3pm, and it has just not gotten much better.

I forgot to get my keys from Liz so I could pick up Charlotte. I called the school - bad move. They are, apparently, tied to the front desk and unable to help in any way. Whatev. Liz got Char home for me. I had to get them all to Claire's dance class. Too bad I'd parked my new washer right behind my car. Moved it (with great effort to not damage it). Put in the car seats, and then I saw Charlotte shove Claire over the seat onto her head. I dang near lost it. Gabe was already screaming b/c he was being caged into his carseat. Claire, with a scrape by her eye, was screaming with good reason. And Charlotte was now screaming due to the fact that I had just informed her she was grounded from the computer for a week. "Yes, a whole week. That's seven days. That is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That means you won't use the computer until it's Monday again." It was an ear-piercing conversation.

I hate being responsible. Mostly cuz I'm not. I hate hating my house, but, well, I do. I hate trying to change it b/c I'm lazy and monetarily challenged. I HATE payday b/c that means I have to address money. Too bad I didn't spend Thanksgiving listing things I'm thankful for - I could read the list right now. Well, I'll have to make do with the short, petty list:

I'm thankful that...
My show comes on tomorrow
It's not a rerun
I have a book to read tonight

I know - pathetic.

Here's a picture of me in my current situation. I took it quick w/o changing my facial expression so that you can get the full effect:

Yeah, I know. Thrilled. Note the crooked nose, circles under the eyes, whatever those folds are developing around the corners of my mouth, and the outfit. I really should start doing something about that. I just moved my face and it felt frozen which means I've been staring at my kids like this for hours. Poor little guys - I look like I'm about to shove 'em down and keep walking.

Well, this is me better than before, but it is still me, so I guess I can't expect much better. Still, though, it's nice to be back.