I don't want to hear it

I'm mad at an Ensign article, and yes it's me being prideful, and yes I know the message being given is worthwhile and doctrinally correct and blah blah blah. I'm just being petty, and I don't really care.

Here it is: I knew the article was written by a man even though the name was withheld. Oh, it was. He talked about upholding his priesthood. But I knew. Because he was talking about the subject in a detached, analytical manner that pissed me off. Oh, it is the one about bipolar disorder in this month's issue. I feel like, even though he is right, he is being so preachy about it. Ugh. "Oh my gosh, I was so devastated when I found out I was bipolar! I have no future! Waaaah!" Yeah, way to be. It isn't the end of the freaking world. It isn't the worst thing anybody ever heard in a doctor's office. It isn't like they said, "You have dead-in-two-weeks disease." Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb.

Don't tell me what to do! Don't talk about it like, "Gee, it's hard. I've been there. You ought to do this instead of what you are doing. Then you'll be just fine."

No, it wasn't even like that - It was more like, "One who feels this way should feel this other way because that is correct doctrine." WE KNOW. It isn't easy, stupid. And what is up with "name withheld?" Here you are - I mean, here one is, saying you want to dispel misconceptions and increase understanding of mental illness, but I don't want anyone to know I have it.

Nobody try to get this guy off the hook. Or sympathize. I just want to yell about it and throw the magazine across the room (done already), and get over it on my own. It's just another case of stupid sunshine hymns.

There is a distinct lack of good parenting going on.

I'm basically writing this post because I'm sick of looking at the last one.

I got to sub as chorister in Primary today. It is SO the place I wish I could be! Granted, I'm not in there for the weekly stressers, but still. I am so happy to be in there.

My entire family slept from 2:30 to 6:30 this afternoon. I woke up in the dark to Gabe crying in his room. The rest of the family trickled down shortly thereafter. We have had so many late nights and early starts over the past week. So, the kids are all jazzed up, and I want to lounge around and not be bothered. The usual activities we would shuffle them off to aren't really available due to incredibly lazy parents. I'll explain:

• It's the Sabbath, so they can't use the computer. Obviously, I can. And am.
• It's the Sabbath, so they can't watch tv. So Andy is watching it.
• Food is always a good distraction, but all the dishes are dirty and neither Andy nor I want to wash them.
• Playing in the living room is interfering with Andy watching tv.
• They love playing in the bath, but that would require either me or Andy to get up and go in the bathroom. Ain't gonna happen.

I just told them to go upstairs since now all the lights are on. It was an extreme effort for me to haul my sorry self up there to turn them on. Man, this is where a nanny would be extremely handy. The Mary Poppins kind who would "mold our young breed" as Mrs. Banks puts it. They'd be off tidying the nursery and learning all sorts of life lessons while we, as parents, went about without one clue as to what they were up to. Glorious.

I'd forgotten that the kids have new Primary classes next week. The girls were all excited about it after church today. It happens too quickly. (That might be vaguely connected to shuffling them off with Mary Poppins and having no clue about their lives.)

You know the title of my blog?

Right up there - "Onward and Upward (Sometimes Downward)". Yeah, that's the one. Well, strangely, I'm not in either place. Perhaps I should change it to "Onward and Upward (Sometimes Downward and Periodically Stationary). Because I am currently in a holding pattern. Not up or down. Not happy or sad. Just treading water, feeling not much of anything, and not wanting to change anything or make any waves.

I'm not really in this place that much. And it's been a long while since I was last here. I can't say it bothers me (see above where I said I'm not feeling much), but I do feel like perhaps it isn't the right way to be. That I ought to be wanting a change and doing something about that. I mean, shouldn't I want feelings? Shouldn't I want to progress and feel close to the Lord and try to pray and read scriptures and all that stuff? Well, I don't. Furthermore, I really DO NOT want to feel those things. I'm almost actively digging in and resisting change. I can't really figure out why. Of course, I don't spend a lot of time or energy trying to figure out why.

That being said, Christmas was just fine. Nice, lots of family, happy kids, friendly feelings, thoughtful gifts. I am about to go lie on the couch and not watch whatever Andy is putting on TV (we have very different viewing preferences, and I usually get my way, so why not?)

Present Dash

Andy and I picked up gifts for the kids at Walmart yesterday in a mad dash. We were gone from the house for... 45 minutes!!! Be amazed.

Anyway, we spent about $15 per, and they will enjoy what they get. We went to the new Walmart and there wasn't even a line (although we did see a couple of ward brethren doing wife-errands).

So, a leisurely Christmas Eve! And raining. Can't we get a break :)

Was there ever anything more true?

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Back to the Drawing Board

So, I just found out for sure that my kids' Christmas presents will not be here on Christmas. I ordered them on the fifth. Yep. Eighteen days ago. Due to a couple of hang-ups, they aren't even ready to ship!

So, what do I do? I am pretty adamant about only giving them one gift. But NO gift on Christmas morning is sad, even to me. (Actually, we didn't give them anything at all 2 years ago, but they were too young to notice. I had just had Gabe!!!) Besides, what would I get? How much money am I actually going to spend?! WHY do I have to go out and try to shop 2 days before Christmas when I was SO SO responsible and finished it all early!? NOW I feel sorry for myself and my kids.

Now, my sisters might tell you that my kids aren't missing much anyway b/c they are only getting hooded bath robes (monogrammed, mind you). But, my nerdy little kids will go ballistic over them. They love that sort of stuff! But, unlike a toy, robes a week later don't carry as much bang.

I can't believe that I feel so morose over it. I feel gypped. (Is that how you spell that word?) I had another present go down the same way, but if it doesn't get here on Wednesday, the lady will drive it to me. It was supposed to ship here from HOUSTON, and yet...

But how could I get my Christmas shopping done any earlier than I did? I mean, the fifth! I'll tell you what - I had no trouble at all receiving orders from amazon.com and ebay.com. Maybe that's the key. Just stick with those big-name online stores.

Terrible Two Christening

Gabe turned 2 yesterday. I woke up to poo all over his room this morning. What's wrong with him?

I cleaned him, and Andy cleaned the room, and I buckled him down in a backwards onesie under his shorts. He's napping now (supposedly). Argh.

In other news...

My family had a game night last night which was SO FUN! We play some regular, trademarked games, and we play some made-up ones. Best one of the night: My brother wrapped a present several times. Two people roll and roll and roll dice until one of them gets doubles. Then he gets to put on oven mitts and try to unwrap the present while the next person in line takes his place rolling the dice. Whoever gets doubles gets to try unwrapping, and the one who finally gets it unwrapped gets to keep the present. Great for kids and adults alike!

Hubby Tag

I'm copying Carol!

1. He's sitting in front of the tv. What's on the screen?
Hard one - he likes a lot of stuff. I'm going with sports, though.

2. You are out to eat. What dressing does he get on his salad?
Ranch. Always ranch.

3. What's one food he doesn't like?
Beans.

4. You go out to a bar. What does he drink first?
Virgin colada.

5. Where did he go to high school?
Terry High in Rosenburg TX

6. If he were to collect anything, what would it be?
All the trash he's ever touched in his entire life. That man keeps everything. Just ask me about the lucky lemon one day. Seriously.

7. What shoe size does he wear?
Eleven

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
Maybe Philly cheesesteak from Philly.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
Bob's Taco Station

10. What would he never wear?
I'm with Carol - an earring.

11. What is his favorite sports team?
Probably some soccer team in Chile. I'm beginning to think I don't know the man. No, I'm not blaming myself. These questions are actually hard b/c if you asked Andy any of these (except the high school) he'd say, "That depends..."

12. What is something you do that he wishes you didn't do so much?
Talk ugly about myself.

13. How many states has he lived in?
Three - Utah, Texas, New Jersey.

14. What is his heritage?
English, German.

15. You bake him a cake for his birthday. What kind of cake would it be?
Chocolate coconut. We call it "Almond Joy" cake.

16. Did he play sports in high school?
Soccer.

17. What could he spend hours doing?
Facebook.

18. I'm adding this one of my own - does he read your blog?
He says he does. I'm not so sure.

Caffeine

Yeah, I had a lot over the last couple of days. I actually can't believe it has been almost 9 months since I kicked the habit. (Two days does NOT constitute a habit. It was an exception). I'm pretty proud of myself that I've gone so long. I forgot to buy unleaded Coke at the store on Monday - and I sure as hell ain't going back (don't say hell, it's an almost-cuss). So, back to water. I'm about to go ship a package and hit the gym, and then I'm going to contemplate Christmas.

Ah, Christmas. The holiday I love, and I ain't feelin' it. I haven't focused on the spiritual aspect, and I feel like I'm missing Christmas. Oh my gosh - I sound like Cindy Lou Who in Jim Carrey's Grinch. Anyway, I'm not very spiritually healthy at the moment, and I'm pretty apathetic about changing that. I am going to contemplate some ways to have my family focus on Christ and experience that peace. I want it to be more prevalent in their minds than the other stuff when they think back.

On the lighter side - my kids are cracking me up about Santa. So, they know the truth. Whatev. But all the adults around them, of course, talk about him and get the kids excited about him and everything. And my kids think those adults are kinda, well, dumb. Claire (age 4, mind you) came home from ballet on Monday and said something about Santa gives us presents. I said, "Yep! You know Santa isn't real though." And she said, "Yep! But my dance teacher does." She looked so embarressed for her teacher. I said, "Well, it's our own family secret, then!" She smiled and shook her head like she was thinking, "Poor pitiful fools." Just so you know, I sure did hear her commanding her sister and cousin, and I quote, "Those are y'all's jobs that you have to do because I'm the queen."

Really?

7:45 am.

37 degrees.

Dude on my street is washing his car.

Is it just me?

Shopping

Well, I haven't actually been grocery shopping since about a week before Thanksgiving. Yeah, you heard me. I've just been picking up a few basics here and there to keep my kids from starving - bread, milk, can of biscuits. We've been eating out a lot. I have done this because I really hate shopping, and I really hate planning a menu, and I really hate cooking.

So, I have to go tomorrow. I have to. Gabe just drank down my last can of evaporated milk. The bread is gone. There is nothing to drink but tap water. So, I'm making a list - screw checking it once, much less twice - and it feels like I'm writing out vocabulary words in high school. Pointless. Time consuming. BORING. Busy work.

And, for a long time now, I have not been able to come up with meal ideas. The ones I've come up with have turned out pretty bad. And nothing really sounds good to me, either. I mean, besides soda and candy and, occasionally, chili. (I don't know what it is about me and chili. Love love love. I can eat the whole can myself with about four ounces of cheese and a whole sleeve of saltines. I love frito pie. I love chili dogs. I would love chili fries if I liked fries.)

OH! And another reason I don't want to go is that I have lots of events happening this week, and that isn't like me. I don't want to add another one. Especially one I hate. I already have 2 others tomorrow that are gonna suck. The rest this week I'm really excited about, otherwise I wouldn't have booked so much. ("Booked". Listen to me, like I'm a professional or something!) But I'm not giving them up. I'm just afraid I'll start forgetting stuff.

Aww CRUD! I just realized that I won't be able to go to yoga tomorrow b/c of conflicting plans. Argh. Well, I'll be sure to soothe myself with some coke and peanut butter m&ms. That's almost as effective as the gym :)

The bed or the couch?

That's been my day. I felt a little under the weather last night, and I kinda took it real slow today. It seems like I never saw my kids. Andy took Gabe until around 3pm, and I laid around. The girls played on their own and then napped with me. Then Andy took the girls to see "Bolt" and Gabe napped (he's got a cold, I think) and I kept laying around. Now they are all sleeping, Andy's out, and I'm still laying around. Well, I'm currently sitting with the anticipation of laying down very soon. I'm waiting for Hugh Laurie (that would be Dr. House, or, to those of us who know, Bertie Wooster) to host SNL tonight.

Well, that's it. Boring, yes, I know. But I'm not unhappy, and my kids are being adorable. See lots of y'all tomorrow at the new building!

Annual Ugly Ornament Exchange

2008 Ugly Ornament Contenders

Each year, our family has an ugly ornament exchange - BEST tradition EVER! I never laugh as hard as I do at this thing. Plus, it's a contest, so the winner gets a pretty ornament (and a hideous tiara that must be worn).

There are rules to follow:

1. The ornament must be bought - not handmade, not used.
2. It must be marketed and intended as a tree ornament (as opposed to a lawn decoration, for example).
3. You have to put it on your tree every year!

The competition is RUTHLESS. Mine didn't even make the starting line this year. It ended up being cute. In the store, it looked like an egg in boots, a Santa hat, and a bird sitting on its head. Although we concluded that it is a melting snowball, it wasn't even in the same league as the other contenders. Seeing it in the store, you could appreciate that it is just, well, ridiculous. But it didn't make the cut.

The pictures CANNOT do justice to the ornaments. Each one must be examined to discover the subtleties of ugliness. One of the three little dogs, for example, has a Christmas tree strapped to the back of his head. The gold crest, well, who wants a deer head crest hanging on their tree? How is that Christmas? I couldn't get over the bird. The hat with the feathers, the long creepy bird legs, and then high heels? What up? There are 2 stockings because two people found them hideous enough to buy. One has a curly toe and the other toe is kinda unraveled. (They remind me of the feet of the Wicked Witch of the East after the ruby slippers are removed, and they curl up and disappear under Dorothy's house.) The lobster actually had a string (with a sun hat on the end) that pulled the claws up and down.

And the winner is...


The picture can't capture the hideousness. It's a deer head, antlers, and forelegs emerging from the front of the ball. Sarah (the recipient) said she was afraid to drive home alone with it. My sis-in-law Ally gave it. Here's the shot of her with her tiara and prize (it's a lovely glass reindeer, since it isn't too visible):


I received one of the ugly stockings. Here it is on my tree:


And here's a collage of all the ugly ornaments of the past that are hanging on my tree (the head fell off the angel; all the uglier):



Okay, okay, you may think to yourself, "I like that ornament!" or even, "I have that ornament!" Please don't be offended - my mom usually thinks half of them are adorable. We have learned a few lessons from past years, however. One is don't talk about what you are doing when you are in the store picking out ornaments. The other shoppers are picking the same ones out for the OPPOSITE reason, and we have (unintentionally) laughed them out of the aisle. Same goes for opening them in the restaurant where we exchange them, although you can see below that we have a hard time controlling ourselves there. You know, I don't know why we always pick a public place for the exchange; we get so rowdy!

Dinner Party

Laura has a post listing the 10 fictional people she'd have over for a dinner party (ensembles count as one, such as Laurel and Hardy or The Brady Bunch).

Well, I left my list in her comments, but I can't stop thinking about all the people I left out. Real people AND fictional. So here's my OTHER 10:

1. Queen Latifah - I want to be this lady.
2. John Cusack - you know how there's some celebrities you just wanna talk to?
   
3. Harry Connick, Jr. - first off, we need music. second, we need eye candy
4. Iron Man - he's so funny! And he can fly. And he's rich. But mostly he's funny.
   
5. Katie Holmes - just kidding. I can't stand her. The real #5 is Jane Eyre as played by Ruth Wilson. I'd be able to watch her face and wait for her insightful, blunt comments to all the celebrities.
   
6. Viola and Sebastian Hastings - both played by Amanda Bynes - just when I think I don't like her, I watch "She's The Man". Hilarious! She'd be running in and out, changing personas, making up excuses...
   
7. Buddy - Will Ferrell in "Elf." "SANTA!! I KNOW HIM!!!!"
8. Drew Barrymore - She just seems so likeable and easy to talk to.
9. Will Smith - he can bring Jada. Either way, cool guy.
10. Owen and Luke Wilson! - can you imagine them together?!
    

Is it already Monday?

Alright, apparently making known my non-compliance with holiday decorating has led me to feel free enough to decorate. Go figure.

I feel like I need to clarify - I don't refuse to decorate; I just don't feel obligated. My holiday spirit doesn't hinge on it.

So, a little tree and a couple of shelves in my bookcase caught the Christmas spirit. The kids are stoked. I had to push all my furniture around to get that blamed tree in there, but at least under the couch got cleaned out.

I forgot to pick Charlotte up for school today. She paid me back by repeatedly refusing to eat her dinner, saying, "This doesn't look like food." It was turkey tetrazzini.

I keep wishing I had a great book to read. I flew through the last three "Twilight" books in less than a week, and now I feel like I've lost my entertainment. I'm not getting any books for myself b/c I asked for some for Christmas. I hate delaying. I also hate surprises.

Oh, there's ANOTHER thing - I really do hate surprises. Just tell me whatever it is you have to tell me. It's not a surprise if you know it's there, but you just don't know what it is. That's just torture. It's a surprise when you never see it coming. And those kind - the real kind - are alright by me.

Hey, here's a shout out to hygiene! I'm giving it another chance. I can't remember when I started thinking that showering less than three days apart was just silly. So, I've been doing this shower-shave-dress-hair-makeup thing, and it is the weirdest feeling - like high school! I mean, I didn't get all dolled up (ever!), but I was at least clean and dressed. I think I even shaved once or twice a week! I'm only a couple of days in, but it's pretty nice. I feel like when I leave the house at a moment's notice, I don't have to scramble as much to find, you know, shoes or a bra or a hat.

It's getting late, and since I'm actually gonna wash my face and remove my makeup, I better get started.

Seriously, I can't believe you people keep reading this. You are very loyal friends.

My kinda Christmas

Ok, I know (from other people) that my take on Christmas is a little different. So, I'm going to explain it all right now.

I don't really decorate. In fact, my dear friend (and blogstalker - I know you're reading this!) gave me a 4 foot prelit tree 2 years ago b/c I refused to get one. I also don't care if I ever decorate cookies or make a gingerbread house or get a new ornament every year or anything like that. My kids don't believe in Santa. Yep, you heard me.

But I'm not the Grinch.

I also like to have a very small Christmas. My kids get their stockings filled and then one present from their parents. Just one. On a personal level, I enjoy receiving gifts, but I'd be fine with not exchanging Christmas gifts ever. Andy and I rarely do it.

But I'm not Scrooge.

I just hate shopping. All year long. For anything. Christmas is harder, of course, because of the sheer number of presents which is also the number of lists you have to bully out of your loved ones. And believe me, I need a list. I am a very sucky present picker. I forget the names of all the loved ones Andy, my kids, and me drew. So, that's one part. Another part is that kids stop paying attention after opening about 3 presents. The rest is wasted on them. And my family is large, so they get tons of presents anyway.

Here's the thing: I LOVE Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Boy, now I really sound like the Grinch. The POST heart-growing-3-sizes Grinch. I don't feel any less Christmas spirit without a tree or lights or cookies or Santa. I feel just as happy and excited and Christmasy as anyone else. I am not actively opposing those Christmas trappings¹; I enjoy them when they are here. I admire them. I just don't need them. I usually opt out b/c I'm the kind of person who will leave them up until July. Ugh. But my kids are asking for some, and I'm happy to oblige.

And about Santa: Two-fold reason I didn't encourage my kids to believe. One: I cannot maintain the amount of elaborate lying it would take to keep Charlotte from finding out the truth. The kid has mad questioning skills, and she doesn't miss one detail. So, as soon as she started asking how the Santa-elf-Walmart system went down, I just told her the truth. She didn't care. And I mean not one little bit. She thought it was a little weird that people tried to make people believe it's real, but she didn't have a negative reaction to the news. This was maybe 2 years ago. So, we read the Saint Nicholas legend and talked about how the tradition came about and how we will still play it every year because it is fun. And don't worry - I told her Santa is a grown-up secret that only grown-ups can tell kids. She's down with it².

Second: I felt like I really struggled feeling as excited about Christmas after I knew there is no Santa. It was probably college before I was able to disassociate all the Santa cheer from the holiday and enjoy the actual meaning of Christmas. Yeah, yeah. People say they really do love the true meaning of Christmas, but I'm telling you. That excitement generated by a real Santa comes crashing down as soon as the truth is known, and it is hard to ever feel that excited again. I really want my kids to have a shot at feeling the real Christmas spirit every year, so that the revelation about Santa will never happen and crush their Christmas expectations. Am I making sense?

Let me reiterate: my kids appear to be EXACTLY as excited about Christmas as every other kid. They talk about Santa Claus and reindeer and stockings and whatnot. They know it's a game, but apparently, that makes no difference to the anticipation. So there. Without presents and Christmas lights and cookie presents, Christmas comes just the same. So there.

Na hoo doray.

¹Except for the year that my friend bought the tree. But I'd had a baby 6 days before Christmas, and there was NO WAY that I was messing with that crap in my ninth month! Or cleaning it up after! But I am grateful b/c I love my little tree.

²She was MORE down with it before Kindergarten. Her teacher is spinning tales, and Char wants to believe her. You know how your teachers know way more than your parents. I set her straight.

Backslidin' Fool

Back on the crack - uh, I mean soda. Bought 3 12-packs last night, and I am drinking them with abandon. Don't worry - like every addict, I am happier this way!

I'm trying to pay more attention to my kids. You know, the REAL attention. Even when I'm actually interacting with them, I hardly make eye-contact. Actually, I hardly make eye-contact with anyone. I hate it. Babies, yes. I don't know what age they hit where it turns for me. Claire doesn't seem to care (mostly because she is all about Claire, and she has always received the attention she wants because she demands it), but Charlotte is really responding. I'm trying to let go of the guilt associated with slacking in this area. Poor girl.

I'm also trying to improve my posture. Every bleeping picture I saw of myself from this past week, I'm slumping. And now, I keep realizing that I'm hunching all day long. Straighten your spine, Quasimoto! I remember consciously doing this in elementary school. I was sitting down at lunch, and I looked down the aisle for whatever reason, and I noticed that my back was all slumped down, and everyone else was sitting straight. By high school, people complimented me on my posture (weird, I know). So, it's possible. Silly, but possible. At least it's a goal I can actually accomplish. Although, two goals at once? I don't know...

I finished the last Twilight book last night. I'm STILL on Team Jacob. I just prefer his kind of love to the obsessive Bella-Edward kind. Still, Sarah, it's good. You should read it. My fave part of the series is the Quileute tribe.

OH! I saw "Four Christmases." BOOooooo! Don't even rent it.

Proof I take a bad picture, Sarah

The ton of steel came crashing down

So, the day started well after I finally dragged myself out of bed. That was due, in large part, to my mom making Charlotte's lunch last night. The steel came down at 3pm, and it has just not gotten much better.

I forgot to get my keys from Liz so I could pick up Charlotte. I called the school - bad move. They are, apparently, tied to the front desk and unable to help in any way. Whatev. Liz got Char home for me. I had to get them all to Claire's dance class. Too bad I'd parked my new washer right behind my car. Moved it (with great effort to not damage it). Put in the car seats, and then I saw Charlotte shove Claire over the seat onto her head. I dang near lost it. Gabe was already screaming b/c he was being caged into his carseat. Claire, with a scrape by her eye, was screaming with good reason. And Charlotte was now screaming due to the fact that I had just informed her she was grounded from the computer for a week. "Yes, a whole week. That's seven days. That is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That means you won't use the computer until it's Monday again." It was an ear-piercing conversation.

I hate being responsible. Mostly cuz I'm not. I hate hating my house, but, well, I do. I hate trying to change it b/c I'm lazy and monetarily challenged. I HATE payday b/c that means I have to address money. Too bad I didn't spend Thanksgiving listing things I'm thankful for - I could read the list right now. Well, I'll have to make do with the short, petty list:

I'm thankful that...
My show comes on tomorrow
It's not a rerun
I have a book to read tonight

I know - pathetic.

Here's a picture of me in my current situation. I took it quick w/o changing my facial expression so that you can get the full effect:

Yeah, I know. Thrilled. Note the crooked nose, circles under the eyes, whatever those folds are developing around the corners of my mouth, and the outfit. I really should start doing something about that. I just moved my face and it felt frozen which means I've been staring at my kids like this for hours. Poor little guys - I look like I'm about to shove 'em down and keep walking.

Well, this is me better than before, but it is still me, so I guess I can't expect much better. Still, though, it's nice to be back.

Technically, I'm doing better

However, I just saw pictures of myself from this past week, and I feel like hiding under my bed. Forever.

But Sarah was right - I must be better if I can sing to her answering machine. And I am. Apparently, the generic medication was the culprit. I'm back on the good stuff, the black crow has flown the coop, and I'm back home. I actually dreaded that part, but when I came in and the place was clean (relatively), I cheered up. Now, I just have to not run away screaming before tomorrow which feels like a ton of steel about to crash down on me. I hate post-vacation depression. I will have to content myself with reading the last "Twilight" book. I'm really enjoying them, but I have a few criticisms as well.

Just so you know, I'm totally back on Team Jacob. I waffled there for a minute, but I'm off the fence. We'll see what happens after the fourth book, though.

Hello

The view from my couch.
This is what I've looked at for the past couple of weeks. (Except the folded clothes. That's new. )

Well, I'm not functioning well in the social area still, but I'm going to write this post before I chicken out. Thanks for all the well wishes.

I'm getting the house ready for us to leave for the week, doing laundry, packing. I prefer to do this stuff at night when my kids are asleep, or pretending to be asleep. We leave early early to drive to Oklahoma for a Ruggles Thanksgiving reunion. We like to leave when the kids are sleeping so we can get a good chunk of the trip out of the way before potty breaks and eating breaks and bickering. (Our kids are actually really fantastic travelers as long as it's a trip and not just out and about town.) We are taking one car, and I'm trying to find a way to stuff in everything we need. It's being held at a Girl Scout camp, so we have to bring bedding and towels as well. Plus the pack n' play for Gabe. Plus coats. Then the regular clothes and toiletries and diaper bag stuff. Stuff to do in the car, games to play while we are there...

I've spent most of my time on my couch under a blanket. I've played a lot of Sudoku on the computer. Sarah and Liz have stopped by and gotten me out of the house (thank you). Liz called the shrink and changed my medication and refilled it and picked it up. So you can see how great I was doing. I just changed from the generic back to the name brand, but I think I'm seeing a difference.

I saw "Twilight," of course, and I loved it, of course. So, I am now reading the other three. These are things that show that I'm improving. Because NOTHING is fun or interesting or even tolerable when depressed. Even Sudoku. I just played it out of, I don't know, change of scenery from the couch.

Alisha told me that I fake feeling better very well (thank you, that is a very good compliment). I'm worried that I won't feel any better and won't be able to fake it for Andy's family for a whole week. Looks like lots of time in my room. At least I have the books.

My other worry is that I will miss Black Friday. I'm one of those die-hard crazies, and I love love love it. I usually spend it with my sisters and some friends (Oh, Natalee, I'll miss you!) with a total mission that the military could learn from. Jess and I (sister-in-law) will be hitting it up in Tulsa, and I hope we can get our hands on the ads to formulate our plan of attack. Reminds me: I need to remember to pack scissors, paper and glue to make up our mission documents. She's never done it with us before, and I'm excited to induct her into traditional planning meeting.

I've already moved my calendars to December. I'm through with November. It sucked. I hate at the end of the month how crowded and ratty the calendar looks. I like the beginning of the month when I trick myself into thinking my life is as uncluttered and organized as the calendar looks.

Depressed

The end.

Addiction

I am addicted to sugar. (Also blogging, but that isn't causing weight gain.) SO, I am making a HUGE leap forward. I am finishing the last two unleaded cokes in my fridge and NOT BUYING ANY MORE.

Oh you heard me.

I am going to drink water (ugh).

So, for those of you who are aware of the 4 to 6 cans I drink a day, you know how tough it's going to be.

That's it.

Oh the things that a pumice stone can do!

Besides scaly feet. I just got a stainless pan clean that I have been completely unable to get the black bits off of. (that was an awkward sentence.) Yes, I just cooked with it b/c, hey, if the black isn't coming off under the power of every SOS pad and cleanser known to me, then it certainly won't come off on the food.

But TODAY I pumiced with the vigor of a scullery maid, and that sucker shines! So, I took the pumice to a cookie sheet that I only use to broil meat due to the fired-on yuckiness that also resisted all manner of removal.

The pumice triumphed! Until I ran out of pumice. I used up one stone on two pans, I was grey and gritty to my elbows (literally), but it was quite satisfying!

I'm counting it as my workout.

Beware - This one is pretty serious.

I know I'm not posting a lot (for me), but I seriously can't think of anything to say. I'm trying to work on myself, my spirituality and stuff. I can only say that my way into the scriptures and into prayer generally begins with hymns. I know I'm a broken record when it comes to my testimony of music, but I guess that's because it is generally how the Holy Ghost gets his foot in the door.

Ok, that being said, I want to express my feelings about the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" (#85). I learned all the verses - there are seven -when Charlotte was a baby. I was initially motivated by hearing Liz say that it was her favorite hymn. (I don't know if it still is.) It turned out that Charlotte would fall asleep in my arms while I sang it, so I got lots of practice with all the verses; they have stuck with me since then.

I'm generally amazed at how many situations this one song fits in my life. Verse six ran in my mind during the time of my grandfather's death earlier this year: "And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn, Like lambs shall they still to my bosom be borne." I felt happiness for him; peace for me; gratitude for the plan of salvation and the tender love of a Father in heaven.

During times of deep deep depression, I recite verse 4 "The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow." Right now, when I'm struggling to get somewhere, and I feel accosted on every side, I keep singing and singing verse 7.

"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!"

This verse, it makes me realize most of my fighting is actually against leaning upon Jesus. I know it's Satan. I feel guilty b/c I'm so unfaithful so often. I hear this verse; I'm reminded that only repose awaits me. Rest. Peace. Respite. Refuge. Even broken as I am, I won't be forsaken if I just kneel down when I want to scream and run.

And let me tell you, I SO want to scream and run. How many times a day do I throw my head back and say, "I can't do this anymore!" I hide in my room, on the computer, in front of the tv. I get angry at things like, oh, I don't know, hymns about sunshine and happiness.

So, here's me, trying to humble myself and turn to Christ. My testimony is surely too strong to keep rejecting this path. Anyway, thanks for listening. I know it's kinda heavy, but, just so you know, y'all's support really does make a dent in the pain. So thanks.

Postscript

Jess commented on my last post to talk to my mom about how I was at my kids' ages. My mom has told me the story about taking me to the doctor when I was two to figure out what was wrong with me. He said, "She's two."

Anger Management Issues

What is up with my kids!? Ok, I can't describe the ludicrous fits of rage that Gabe throws. It's out of hand. Hitting furniture and people, flopping, screaming "NO NO NO," wailing, glaring, throwing things...

Then there is Claire. She has recently decided to cry as soon as she is spoken to or given an answer to her questions or has to perform any task. Full on. Jumping, flopping to the ground, doing that lip thing where you suck in your breath and your lip is just flapping. It sounds like "Fuhfuhfuhfuh" on the inhale. Screaming I DON'T LIKE THAT, crying that her legs hurt and she can't move and she can't stop crying.

And Charlotte. When you FINALLY get her attention and get the point across, she dissolves into tears. Loudly. Not high-pitched. Just hollering away, right in front of you, unstoppable.

Ok, I'll leave it to my sisters to comment, but I really don't think they got it from me. I mean, of course I'm not perfect and I snap and whatnot, but honestly. Sarah, Liz, you've seen my kids. Honestly - really - is it from me?

I can't stand it. Can't can't can't. Oh, and I don't want advice; I want commiseration.

Clutter

No, not you, Laura and Kimberly. You are the good kind.
I'm talking about the bad kind.

If you've seen my house - and most of you haven't b/c it is nasty and I have issues with space invasion (not the alien kind) - you will know it is a filthy repository¹ of clutter of every kind. My sisters call it The StuffMart.

So it may be surprising that I HATE computer clutter. My desktop must have the minimum of icons. My folders and files must be cleaned out and organized. And, I have discovered, my blog feels too cluttered! You may not think so by the new background and what not, but that can be tolerated (for a while) due to the jolly holidays. I'm pretty sure it'll be changed before Thanksgiving to something more soothing to my eye.

But you may notice that the major change is NO MORE BLOGLIST! Please don't take it as an offense. In fact, it is a compliment. I have so many friends and family whose blogs I must read, that it made my sidebar feel very messy. Scrolling down, down, down. Plus, link-hopping makes me nervous. DON'T BE OFFENDED! I don't mean people who I know, and we are interested in each other's lives! I don't mind being on y'all's bloglists at all! I just feel, I don't know, kinda traitorous (personal issue) to y'all, my friends.

Did I stress enough that y'all are my friends? I feel like I'm going to hurt someone's feelings, and I so do not mean anything as offensive or snobby or irritated or [insert negative reaction here].

Ok, all that being said, if you were blog-hopping on my bloglist, and now you have lost the links to the blogs you were reading, PLEASE let me know! I will hook you up!

(You are my friends! I love you! Hop all you want TO my blog! You just won't be able to hop away. MWA HA HA HA!)


¹Repository
a) a facility where things can be deposited for storage or sakekeeping (check!)

b) a burial vault (check! You can bet your stuff will be buried under mounds of other stuff, never to be seen again)

c) a person to whom a sectret is entrusted (ok, that doesn't apply to my house, but I'd like to think it applies to me)

Oh so many names

Stolen from Jamie's blog...

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Snowball Subaru
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Rocky Road Brownie
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) J Rug
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Blue Monkey
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Lee Austin
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)rug je
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)The Green Coke
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Harry Roscoe (best name EVER!)
9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Pure Chocolate (2nd best name EVER!)
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Alice Harris
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) McMurray Memphis
12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower) Spring Tulip
13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”) Blueberry Jeanie
14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Eggs Japanese Maple (WORST name ever!)
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”) The Reading Rain Tour

I'm a mush

I'm a pushover for all things patriotic. I tear up every time, even when the kids say the pledge. I just went to Sarah's kids' "Vote" play, and, as hysterically funny as it was, I teared up just watching the kids talk about America . The anthem gets me every time. I love this country. I love my homeland. I think it is so important for everyone to love their homeland (or find a homeland they can love). I know I've been unimaginably blessed to be here where I can vote. Yes, I teared up when I got my "I Voted" sticker. We live in tough times. We all have our differing points of view; we are passionate about them. Let's love each other, though. Let's support each other's right to speak and right to vote and right to disagree. I know I'm preaching, but I cried when I voted, so there.

Tagged by Irish Karen

Lucky 8

8 TV shows I love to watch
NCIS
Life
Ghost Whisperer (shut up, everyone)
Ace of Cakes
Project Runway
The Mentalist
Wheel of Fortune
Murder, She Wrote

8 Favorite Restaurants
Texas Roadhouse
Olive Garden
Sandy McGee's
BJ's Brewery
Fernando's
Churrasco's
Kasra's
Pappadeaux

8 things that happened yesterday
Made 4 costumes
Trick-or-treated
Went to the zoo
Packed snacks
Got gasoline
Showered
Got home an hour after Charlotte's school ended (Aunt Jess to the rescue!)

8 things I love about this Fall / Autumn
Warm enough to trick-or-treat without coats
Lots of pleasant weather
Family reunion for Thanksgiving
Vince coming down and getting endowed
Gabe is wearing shoes (finally)
Watching all the wards' primary programs
Driving with the windows down
Charlotte doing pilgrim art at school

Things on my wish list
massage
drop 15 pounds
Gabe will stop hitting (argh!)
be able to keep the house clean
new bathrooms
flooring
matching trim
everyone could come to the reunion

8 things I am looking forward to
Christmas
family reunion (I know, a broken record, but I'm excited!)
Black Friday
Going to bed
Liz's garage sale
Watching my shows this week
Claire's dance recital in the spring
Gabe speaking more

Happy Halloween!

I was, well, it's obvious. Argh, mateys.

Today I'm extremely frustrated that I'm mentally ill. Every step is hard. I had a great time at a baby shower, but now, sadly, I'm back to my real life, and I don't even want to eat candy (EEK!). I got a haircut as well - long overdue. You'd think these things would improve my mood, but no. It's not external, it's internal. The fight is on the inside - the fight is me fighting me. Stalemate, of course. I feel both stagnant and exhausted in this fight. Pushing as hard as we both can (me and me), and getting nowhere.

Back to the shower - girls are WAY more fun than boys! I wish I could tell my teenage boy-crazed self that. Not that I had so many boys, but I sure wished I did. We ate and ate (at least I did), and talked and talked, and LAUGHED SUPER HARD! I'm totally counting that as my workout.

We'll miss you Jamie! Stupid, lucky Seattle.

Just when you think you can take no more

I was having a really hard afternoon. Difficulty with the kids. I was (and still am) very very tired, and I couldn't be compassionate. If you get hurt, guess what - YOUR FAULT. I told you so. Maybe next time you'll learn. Ok, so I took a break¹, and then I went to pick up the kids at my mom's. And then, a wonderful thing happened: Charlotte, age 6, kindergartener for 2 ¹/₂ months, read all of "Ten Apples Up On Top" to me. She struggled, she sounded things out, she persevered, she didn't complain, and I was so awed and proud and excited for her. That's all it took. Even though they were the same kids going home, I liked them again.

¹I was watching "HSM3." But it wasn't my fault!! I was there to love and support a good friend who wanted a girls' night out just for that movie. So, I had fun just being with her and our friends. But, seriously y'all, I could hardly take the movie.

Who am I?

Ok, so I'm bipolar. Right. So, sorry about Sunday. Rage has given way to some sort of giddy hysteria. But, honestly, Darth Vader dancing to Thriller? THAT'S FUNNY! I've never really cared about going to Disneyland, but I didn't know they had stuff like that!

For my far away friends - Winter Peeks In

Guess what! It's cold! Thirty-seven degrees cold! I had to dig out the coats. I'm actually sitting here drinking hot chocolate. The first cold snap is always so exciting! Usually Halloween is hot, but maybe this year we'll have to cover our adorable costumes with coats. I'm glad I got a lot done here yesterday so I can snuggle in today. The high is 67, so it won't be bad if I need to go somewhere this afternoon. Texas may be miserable all 8 months of summer, but we have some great (few) weeks of weather now and again.

Results at the gym (see last post for situational info)

Ok, so the yoga instructor only said one thing that irritated me: "The only moment is Now." Ugh.

However, the lady at the childcare desk took one look at my license (I can't find my gym card. Rage.) and said, "Oh! I didn't recognize you! You look so different!" I said, "Well, that was taken when I was 22 and I'm 31." She (stupidly) said, "You look so different!" I said, "I was younger, blonder, bluer-eyed, and THINNER."

I got her back. I told the member services desk.

True story.

Rage + PMS

= HORRIBLE PERSON

I am not sure if it is rock bottom, but it is way down there. EVERYTHING makes me extremely mad. Everything. The hymn at church yesterday, "Today While the Sun Shines," made me mad. Have you heard it (through the ears of a depressed, enraged person?) Well, here it is:

Today, while the sun shines, work with a will; Today all your duties with patience fulfill.
Today, while the birds sing, harbor no care; Call life a good gift; call the world fair.
Today, seek the treasure better than gold, The peace and the joy that are found in the fold.
Today seek the gems that shine in the heart; While here we labor, choose the better part.

First off, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Don't tell me to be patient - I'm not. I don't do my duties - no chores, no bills, no shopping, no hygiene. And I don't want to be judged by a stupid song for that. "While the birds sing"? In case you didn't know, I hate nature. I had stupid cardinals pecking my windows for 3 years. I tried to scream them away, and they just sat there. I do NOT feel like life is good. The world is NOT fair by anyone's standard. I was sitting in the *&^$*%$ fold yesterday and there was no peace and DEFINITELY no joy. And, just so you know, there is NOTHING shining in my heart. Who wrote that stupid song? Helen Silcott Dungan, I'm coming for you! (Oh, 1899. I'll spit on her grave.)

Everything people say makes me angry. My kids touching me makes me mad. The toilet overflowed - I'm mad. Today a stupid senior citizen turned at an intersection when I had right of way. I seriously had to sit on my left hand to contain the bird. Stupid old people.

I'm going to the gym today for yoga. Hopefully, it'll calm me (as long as she doesn't tell me to breathe in peace and goodwill.)

Ok, and I KNOW that this is irrational. I don't blame you people (except that old man.) So, I'm giving the med another couple days, and if I can't get over this fit of rage, it's back to that damned (OOPS! Don't cuss!) Shrinky-Dink!

The following may disturb sensitive readers...

This is one of the most disgusting things, but I'm going to post it before Liz gets to it since she witnessed the whole thing.

We were in the office, on the computer as usual, and I see a small, roundish, dark thing on the ground. "Is this an old fruit snack? Or poop?" I pick it up. Rock solid. I sniff it. Hmmmmm. I sniff it again. It's poop.

I know! I know! But we were too busy wet-your-pants laughing at how repulsive that is to care how repulsive that is! And all the questions it raises!

How did it get there?
How long did it have to be there since it was petrified?
If I suspected it was poop, why didn't I pick it up with a paper towel or something?
Why would I SMELL it?
Did I REALLY need to know if it was poop? It was going in the trash no matter what!
Why am I not more concerned that it is possible for poop to be on the floor of my office for countless days, maybe weeks?
Shouldn't I be embarrassed about our hygiene habits?

Potpourri

Yesterday, preparing to watch "Saw II"¹ on the Sci Fi channel (shout out to Kimberly!), I was popping some microwave popcorn, and the strangest thing happened. The bag opened while popping. The lazy susan rotated, and popcorn shot out around and around and around. "That is funny," I thought. But then, I opened the microwave, and I saw that a TON of unpopped kernals had shot out along with the popcorn, as well as oil. "Not so funny, but still," I thought. Then, taking the bag out of the microwave, I dropped it into the open dishwasher full of clean dishes. "That sucks!" I thought. Plus, I didn't want to miss the beginning of "Saw II." Too bad for me, it had started a half hour earlier. I watched it anyway, of course, but I never got emotionally involved with the characters (except Donnie Wahlberg, of course. I've been involved with him for YEARS!) You know that movies aren't so scary if you aren't emotionally involved with the characters. So, not scary. Gruesome, though. Demented. I really liked it. I'm hoping that they keep playing them.

I'm in a rage state that should dissipate when I increase my meds. I'm moving that date up to tomorrow. I need relief. So does my family. I can't talk to Charlotte without her crying. If you see me at the Primary Activity Day tomorrow, you might want to step wide. I'll try to be nice, but the kids get first dibs on that, and I might not have enough left for you. You may think I'm kidding, but you won't once you get your feelings hurt tomorrow. And then, when I'm better and happy, you won't be, and that would be sincerely unfortunate. So here's your fair warning.

I DID go to Pilates today, and I almost died. I really, really spent the entire class straining, working as hard as I could, and for a large portion of the time nothing but my hands and head left the mat. Claire had a huge goose egg on her head when we were leaving, and I was like, ok, that sucks. But, with the size of my kids' heads, that happens a lot. But the employees started freaking out. Ice pack, interview Claire, go back and raise a ruckus in child care. So I start freaking out. She's been neglected, she's been abused, she's been bullied. They are asking her to follow their fingers with her eyes, walking her in a straight line like a sobriety test. I start thinking she has a concussion, they are going to think I'm negligent b/c I wasn't concerned. She wasn't telling, so I left. I finally pried it out that she didn't get that bump in child care - she got it fooling around under the counter at member services. I told them and left red-faced.

¹It's edited. Don't judge me.

I went to yoga, and I'm goin' to Pilates.

And that, my friends, is a sign that I'm on the upswing.

Riding that wave, I'm shopping more. It's weird - I really don't ever do it except for groceries and household items. I'm talking diapers and toilet cleaner, not decor. It's really hard for me to buy the kids clothes, and I usually make do, but sometimes even I can't ignore the emptiness of Gabe's drawers. I only bought three things, but I think I covered my bases: church shirt, jeans, hoodie. What else is there? That gives him a church outfit, three pairs of pants, and something warm to cover all his tshirts, which he must have at least 5 of :)

With the seeming lack of clothing in this place, why is there so much laundry? It's a sick sick world.

Andy's getting my RIDICULOUS girls ready for bed, and I'm preparing for a quiet night of vegging with my two best friends - Couch and Television. I invited Coke, too, but I'm just planning to use him and throw him away.

I wanna give a shout out to my brother David for being one of only two male bloggers I know! Way to dominate, dude!

How out of control I am...

I actually had to go back and read my last post to remember my list of stuff I have to do in order to get to yoga. I'm a little embarrassed. Mostly, though, I think I'm hilarious!

Welcome to BlogAnon!

My name is Jennifer, and I'm not in control.

I was taking my meds at night, which was making it hard to sleep. So, blogdiction. Major problem - not enough supply! Come ON you people! I have a need! If you can't write more often on your own blog, then comment more on someone else's! Or I swear I'll find other dealers...

I actually just started taking the med in the morning, but I think it's making me hungrier during the day. It may have improved the sleeping a little, but that doesn't let you bloggers (and lurkers) off the hook.

Other topics: THE WEATHER! Cool front came through, for those of you who don't live here. We had nice hard rain all evening yesterday, and now the low is 45 and the high is 70. SEVENTY! Glorious! I walked down the street in a hoody this morning (to get Charlotte's hoody from Liz.) I found long-sleeved clothes for the kids. Except Gabe. He has to wear his costume. It's just sweats, but I'll know it is the darkness of space around Saturn.

When the weather turns like this, I get really excited. It feels like something is about to happen. I feel like going to a high school football game¹, or camping, or shopping for presents² with a sister or girlfriend, or just having SOMETHING to do where I am outside, driving with the windows down. And just so you know, not taking my kids to the park.

I HATE taking my kids to the park. I HATE IT SO BAD! Andy does it mostly, and rarely I go with him. That makes it a little tiny bit better, him going too. But my thoughts the whole time are, "When the *w$^* can I get out of here?" I hate pushing the swings, I hate sliding, I hate following around Gabe so he doesn't fall off the playset, I HATE hearing, "Hey Mom! Watch me!" I'm.not.interested.

Alrighty, I got a place to go - yoga. I miss it, I get to meet Delana there, and I get to drive out in this weather. Now, I only have 2¹/₂ hours to get there, and that ain't much for a mentally ill girl who has to shower, find workout clothes, find shoes, dress Saturn - I mean Gabe, pack a diaper bag, and get gas. (I usually only do 2 of those in a day, max.)

¹I actually liked that, surprisingly. I don't have school spirit, and I hated high school, but I have fond memories of the games. Probably scouting for boys and drinking giant Cokes with crushed ice. And making fun of the cheerleaders.
¹This is in the imaginary scenario of having some sort of sitter during the daytime, unlimited cash, a list, free gift wrapping, and holiday spirit.

Technology sucks. No, I suck. No, THEY suck!

FIRST AND FOREMOST: START THE MUSIC PLAYER AT RIGHT. DO IT NOW!

It took me HOURS, I am being so literal here, to figure out how to put TWO specific songs on Liz's blog!!!

Ok, let me start off by saying that if you know how to do this already, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

Now, I was trying to embed (oh yeah, you heard me - embed!) songs on a CD which I uploaded onto my iTunes library. (We couldn't find them at playlist.com.) I searched and searched the internet for how-to info. Finally, I got my answer: you can't. The songs have to be hosted on the web.

Well, playlist doesn't let me upload songs to the best of my knowledge (again, if you can do that, kindly keep it to yourself!) So, I found a site that can, and then I couldn't find the *&$*% files on my computer!!

More searching and searching. Oh, I found those dirty suckers! They were no match for my, well, not my prowess per se, but my DETERMINATION for sure!

THEN I DID IT! I got them on the blog!!!

but i can't make it autostart.

Well, we all reach a quitting point.

Be quiet. I said be quiet. I SAID be quiet...

I am so grouchy today. My sleep last night was CRAPPY, and I am barely being able to speak nicely to my family.

I would just prefer saying nothing to my kids that isn't absolutely necessary. Radio silence. Need to know. Repeating myself may get you killed. And (of course) kids need you to repeat yourself forty-five times. Argh!


Sooooo. That's it. Sorry Sarah and Liz. My life may seem glamorous from the outside, but I have nothing of substance to report. I'll probably come over to one of YOUR houses. Liz has roast, but Sarah has crappy WalMart cookies...

I'm so addicted I don't even do it anymore!!

I am seriously blogdicted, too, Liz, and I realized that I haven't even posted I've been so busy reading all the ones I follow, commenting, going back to see if anyone else has commented...

Alright, me: Who cares!! I've turned over a new leaf AGAIN and I'm owning my body the way it is. It's liberating. No guilt over the Ding Dongs. No guilt over the 6 cokes a day (unleaded, of course.) No guilt over not going to the gym in weeks. Plus, Andy bought me a couple of outfits, so I have stuff to wear. That really eases the stress. I put on my makeup more, and that makes me feel better about myself. It's a daily battle, but, whatever.

I'm going to buy costumes for the kids today if I can ever get out the door. Pumpkin for Charlotte, Ballerina or butterfly or ballerina or butterfly (geez, girl, PICK already!) for Claire, and Saturn for Gabe.

Oh, yes, you read me right. Saturn. My boy's big noggin should be accentuated - not like you can miss it. And, really, this is the last year I'll be able to pick whatever I want for his costume. My jumping off point is a navy sleeper, a close-buzzed head, and craft foam rings. My sis-in-law Jess will airbrush his head the beautiful pinky colors of Saturn. He may not wear the rings all night, but I'll get some great photo ops!

I don't know if I'll dress up. The kids would really appreciate it. I'll see if I come up with any good ideas. Ok, I'm off to the store, but I PROMISE I'll write again Liz, IF YOU COMMENT! Hi, mom, I know you read this!

Kids say the darndest things

We were all in the car this evening, and I was talking to Andy about eating salads at McDonald's back when I was trying to take the weight off. Incidentally, I was bringing home a quarter pounder meal at the time of the conversation.

Anyway.

Charlotte said, "Why were you trying to take the weight off? Is it because you want to be like Lizzie?"

I said, "Why - what's Lizzie like?"

Charlotte - "Skinny."

Yeah. But I didn't stop there.

Me - "What am I?"

Charlotte - "Uhhh, almost?"

We all laughed because that is genuinely funny. She got a little embarrassed and said, "I don't want to hurt your feelings!" "You aren't going to hurt my feelings, Char. I just want to know what you really think. Do you really think I'm 'almost?'"
"No."
"So what am I?"
"Fat."
"You think I'm fat?"
"Kinda fat."

I'm thinking it may be time to put down the value meal and head back to the gym, considering the success I had last time (that's sarcasm, folks.) What I really want is to take diet pills, and I don't care what anyone says about them not working. I'm in denial, and I like it here. I'm potentially thinner here.

I gotta new show!!

Have y'all seen "Life"?

I love it! I've never really had two shows at one time, and it is exciting. Instead of waiting an entire week to watch my show, I just have to go from Tuesday to Friday to Tuesday.

The premise is a cop who gets a life sentence for murder, exonerated after 12 1/2 years, and is a cop again. The solving of the murder for which he was wrongfully imprisoned as well as finding out who set him up is the long-running plot.

Did I mention I love it? I didn't follow it the first season, but I watched all the back episodes online over the last two days, so I'm all caught up for tonight.

Ok, so NBC, Fridays, 9pm central.

!!! NKOTB !!!

I just went to the New Kids On The Block concert!!!! It was freakin' RAD!!

My 13 year old self AND my 31 year old self are COMPLETELY thrilled! They did all their old stuff, and they OWNED it! They threw in lots of the old dance moves which really made it fun. And of course all the new stuff which was sexier and edgy-er (But Mom, it's got a good beat!)

We had tickets for an upper level, but when we got up there the usher redirected us to a table to get reseated. Apparently that section was closed. So we got AWESOME seats in the lowest section that isn't on the floor, DEAD CENTER! AWESOME! I'm a little hoarse and soaked in sweat, and it was so worth every single second!

I am a Donnie Wahlberg fan from back in the day, and I still am! He did all the flow in the new songs, which was awesome, singing, guitar-playing, booty-shaking, and
teasing about taking his clothes off. He did not. Danny, for those who love him, did some awesome break dancing. Joey and Jordan did most of the singing, although Joey's voice, in my opinion, was stronger and really pretty. They had a part where they came down onto a daiz in the middle of the floor crowd and performed. We were close enough to have a great view. OH - I went with my sister in law Jess and friends Karly (or Carly? Carley? Sorry, girl) and Heather. We took pictures, and as soon as they are emailed to me, they will be posted for you.

I know all you ladies of the eighties are JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS! It makes me want to buy a Tiger Beat! It was, by far, the FUNNEST night!

"Ain't no party like a campin' party! Hey! Ho!"

Back from camping! It was really really fun, if disorganized. Actually, only Andy and I were disorganized. Apparently, I still operate under the impression that my parents (or other suitable grown-ups) will either get it done or tell me what to do step by step. I actually got in the car thinking "We are the grown-ups?" I'm 31. I think that qualifies.

Ok, so we got the car all packed up and only had to stop THREE times on the way to Lake Somerville. We only forgot the blankets and pillows. (Thanks for bringing those, Pabsts!) Andy set up camp, and broke it down, for that matter. I did a lot of sitting and laughing.

The lake was beautiful, the weather was beautiful, there weren't a ton of mosquitos. The kids were in hog heaven. Tree-climbin', lake-swimmin', pinata-swingin', junk-food eatin' caffeinated fools. The highlight for me was that Gabe wore shoes. We had to stop at WalMart and buy them since he doesn't own any. But, for once, he actually kept them on, and he looked like such a big boy running around in them. Claire and Charlotte dug playing "Ghost in the Graveyard" for the first time. It took us a good 20 minutes to remember the rules - Mary came through for us on that one.

The very best stuff is the stuff that is so hard to relate. The "you had to be there" stuff. However, I'll attempt:

There was a Camp Song - or chant or cheer or SOMETHING. That would ring out periodically, for no apparent reason, and everyone had their part. Spontaneous, almost simultaneous. "Hey! Ho!" "camp-alicious" "Ain't no Pah-tay like a campin' pah-tay!" "Woop! Woop!" We even had a scottish, "Piper DOON!" Hand-wavin' and booty-shakin'. It was what made it a family campout. Or a mostly-middle-aged, white, unfortunately-sober hip hop anthem. You WISH you were there.

Now, back to reality ("oops, there goes gravity"... anyone? I'm almost ashamed to say: "M&M.") Find a sitter for my shrink appointment, try to force myself to pay some bills, make a grocery list (agony), dance class, book fair.

Why didn't you people TELL me?!

I just read my entire blog - every post. HOW REPETATIVE AM I!? Geez! You could've clued me in that, "Hey! We know! You are either bored, manic or depressed! Shut up already!" I feel like I don't even have a reason to post anymore. I could just write, "Please see post from Oct. 13." Or, hey, just pick a post at random. You got a pretty good chance of it being applicable to whatever I'm doing right now.

So, that's that. The day was really nice b/c I was with my sisters (except Moo.) The kids went to bed at 7 sharp b/c they had such a late night last night. I actually woke up in time to get Charlotte ready for school. Stayed in my Bert & Ernie jammies all day (they are stripey, not covered in Bert or Ernie.) It was all really nice.

We are supposed to go camping this weekend, so hopefully I get some new friggin' material. Maybe even pictures! I no longer have a camera phone, and I'm not willing to actually use a camera for pictures, so that's why I don't post them anymore. Besides, I already know what I look like. And if you don't, just download a picture of Michelle Pfeiffer 20 years ago - I'm a dead ringer.

When you are too tired to sleep...

...you write on your blog, apparently.

My day was crazy crazy crazy, and, now that I am finally still, I realize it was very very good.

I feel like it has been years since I've been able to say that.

I was so scared to leave my house today. I felt like I was doing something really wrong. That is a side effect of my meds called PARANOIA. Hang on with me, kids. We've been through it together before, so we know it won't last. My dose is scheduled to... to.... SERIOUSLY! I cannot remember the word!! I keep thinking "improve" or "impress," but that is obviously wrong.... HOLY CRAP! I really can't think of the word!! GO UP. Whatever the word is for GO UP, that is what it is scheduled to - INCREASE! That's it! Ok, so these side effects will dissipate once it INCREASES a couple hundred milligrams. That'll be next week, maybe.

That said, I had such a wonderful time once I got to where I was going (Happy Birthday, Laurie!!) that I didn't feel those feelings anymore at all! Plus, I had caffeine :) Don't worry, I'm not backsliding. Moderation in all things, right?

Then, the chaos (and I don't use that word lightly) of after school began, but I really enjoyed it! My nephew's friend, just some 9 year old kid, comes over and plays in my house with my nephew and my kids. I feel absolutely cool. It is such a compliment to me that a neighborhood boy would enjoy playing here with all our kiddie girl toys and our kiddie girls. I love this dude.

After that, the chaos of getting myself ready and to my stake leadership meeting ensued. I admit, I was a wreck. I was late for set-up, I forgot what the first half of my presentation was going to be, and I was frantically practicing the accompaniment to the musical number. However, like it always does, the Spirit brought peace as soon as the meeting started. Yeah, I forgot a step in my presentation and had to be reminded. Yeah, I flubbed (lots) during the musical number; fortunately, the singing was so angelic that I don't think anyone even cared that I was playing. But the Spirit carried the meeting, and I left feeling calm and happy and grateful.

Finally, with Andy out of town, I had to do the bedtime routine myself (that's usually his job.) Once again, what seemed like a drawback worked to my advantage - it was almost 11 pm, so they were happy to get to bed with a truncated version of the routine, and they conked out immediately.

So, I'm worn out, but I'm enjoying the silence and the stillness, and, frankly, I'm not ready to fall asleep and hurry the morning. I'm afraid of trying to wake myself in time for school. That is Andy's job as well. I only do the middle of the day. I've got a sweet deal.

The Evils of Housecleaning

Here's the problem: cleaning my house turns me into Mean Mom. I absolutely cannot be patient with my kids when I am cleaning or after I clean BECAUSE they are just messing the crap out of everything three steps behind me! WHAT AM I CLEANING FOR? I was sweeping this morning, turned around to get the dustpan, and I see Gabe emptying the desk drawers of all their writing utensils, glue sticks, etc. Argh! Claire is picking things out of the dustpile that I am about to sweep up because she doesn't want that particular tile spacer to be lost forever. ARGH! GET OUT! While I fill the dishwasher, Gabe is emptying it; while I fold laundry, Gabe and Claire are turning over the laundry baskets; while I refill the desk drawers, Gabe is pulling garbage out of the trashcan and throwing it on my swept floor. Seriously. I feel like the 3 Stooges. Well, the one Mom Stooge and the two little Stinkers.

Ok, so now I'm just mad while I clean. I'm mad if I actually succeed in getting it clean b/c it will only be clean for an nth of a second. And, since I'm mad, I can't be patient with anything else they do. For example, every time I try to practice the piano ¹, every single kid in the house tries to talk to me, sit on the bench, play along, or stand and howl once I've told them to stop all that. So, I'm angry, I force them all out of the room, and I try to practice for 3 minutes while I listen to them sobbing and screaming in another room. Does all this seem pointless to you? Cuz it does to me.

So, I get to live in a filthy house OR my kids spend 90% of their day in bed or timeout. They aren't bad kids, really, although they are so not used to me cleaning that they apparently turn into gremlins after midnight. So, usually the house is filthy. I consider it a favor to my kids :)

¹I am actually practicing for a reason, otherwise, why would I bother? I have to accompany a trio tonight at my stake primary meeting, and I'm freaking out about it. I never play anymore, so I'm very rusty. And these ladies are superb singers, and I'm afraid of screwing it up and ruining their lovely performance.

Warning: The following is BORING.

Well, I actually don't have much to say, at least in my opinion. I feel like every day is dull and all I do is watch frivolous television. "The Rachel Zoe Project," "Project Runway," "Murder She Wrote," I even watched "The Real Housewives of Atlanta!" And movies. Last night was "Stand By Me," and it felt completely like a high school required-reading novel. One that I would've loved. And I love the movie.

Over the past week, I lost my home phone and my cell phone, Andy's car broke down, and the air conditioner at home broke. I'm still a little too depressed to show much interest in these things. Oh - reminds me, I gotta call the shrink... ok, done with that.

To continue - I found the home phone in the loveseat. I found the cell phone at the gym (oh yeah, I've gone back to the gym. Twice. I am very sore.) Andy's car was repaired and I spent all morning driving him up to get it. I had to stop at McDonald's on the way home for the kids to eat and run around. Apparently, two hours in the car was beyond their limits. What to do in November when we have 10 hours to Oklahoma. The air conditioner was fixed the very next day. We debated what to do that one night without air. It was, like, 68 outside and 85 inside. We'd have opened the windows, but we don't have any screens, and the mosquitos would murder us. As it turned out, the house cooled down quickly in the night, so we were all comfortable and didn't have to go to a hotel (Andy's option.) I spent the next day at my mom's, and when I got home that night, it was all cool again, literally.

I don't really cook, and I don't really clean, so it feels very dismal around here. Even with ALL the lights on, I feel like it is dark all around me. I feel nervous when I leave my home, even when it is to family's houses. I remember this from the first time I was getting on this drug - remember I had a panic attack and couldn't drive the 8 houses between mine and Liz's houses. The remedy was to increase the dose, and I'm on a schedule for that, so I just have to wait it out. I'm sure things are slowly improving since I do a load of dishes every few days. And my kids mostly make me laugh instead of cry. And I actually did laundry yesterday. That's huge. Gabe only wore shorts all day yesterday b/c I couldn't find a single shirt that wasn't absolutely filthy (and my standards are really low.)

Alright, that's it. I gotta go since #1 I really don't have anything to say, and #2 Gabe insists on eating crayons.

Welcome Autumn!

Ok, only in the morning. It is 49 F outside, but it'll be in the eighties in the afternoon. Still, it's the first day Charlotte wore a jacket and Gabe and Claire are wearing pants. We have to drive Andy to Cleveland (TX) to get his car, so I'll TRY to write later. I say try not b/c I don't have time but b/c I just may not think of anything to say.

I'm on a sugar high.

Andy is watching football which means I cannot perform my recent nightly ritual of watching "Murder She Wrote" on the Hallmark channel. I don't care what he says, I LOVE that show. It is a very peaceful, nonviolent way to enjoy murder :)

Today I drank soda. Then, I finished Gabe's bowl of mac n' cheese and had peanut butter M&M's. I refuse to turn on the light, so that first & sign took me 8 tries to find. The second one only took 4.

Claire made me laugh and broke my heart at the same time today. She said, "Mom, when you yelled at us in the car, some of the love for you inside me went away." Yeah. I apologized. To be fair to myself, I was yelling over them to stop yelling at each other (which obviously makes TONS of sense), but it clearly hurt my baby. So after I said I'm sorry, I told her that when she yells at me, none of my love for her goes away. She said, "Mine just came back!" How easily she forgives. No more yelling, Mom.

I managed a partial shopping trip to WalMart. We didn't even have cereal in the house. I have yet to get the big food items at Randalls, so we don't have milk, meat, bread, or produce. I don't eat much (see above), and neither does Andy, so I've gone a WHILE since shopping for food. I could probably go a little longer if I didn't have to pack a lunch for Char.

Well, my show is on tomorrow, so I have something to look forward to. It's like having friends over w/o it feeling like the dreaded "social event." Yeah, I'm weird about that right now. I mean weirder than normal. All the other moms at Claire's dance class visit with each other. I spend my time tailing around after Charlotte and Gabe so I don't have to say anything more than the bare minimum. Charlotte is a social butterfly, though, so she keeps making friends with kids and then I have to make friends with the moms. I don't want to cramp her style, but she sure is cramping mine!

Oh, I'm filthy and dirty, but I DID dye my hair and take a shower - I can't remember when. It sucks that a shower only lasts a day or two.

Tagged by Ireland

Karen tagged me. The answers can only be one word, and then I have to tag others! Here we go:

1:Where is your cell phone? ~ Drawer
2:Where is your significant other? ~ Work
3:Your hair color? ~ Brown
4:Your mother? ~ Giving
5:Your father? ~ Gentle
6:Your favorite thing? ~ Soda
7: Your dream last night? ~ none
8:Your dream/goal? ~ copyeditor
9:The room you're in? ~ office
10:Your hobby? ~ reading
11:Your fear? ~ fish
12:Where do you want to be in 6 years? ~ home
13:Where were you last night? ~ Home
14:What you're not? ~ ambitious
15:One of your wish list items? ~ grillpan
16:Where you grew up? ~ Texas
17:The last thing you did? ~ sudoku
18:What are you wearing? ~ jeans
19:Your TV? ~ On
20:Your pet? ~ none
21:Your computer? ~PC
22:Your mood? ~ nervous
23:Missing someone? ~ Yes
24:Your car? ~ subaru
25:Something you're not wearing? ~ shoes
26:Favorite store? ~ ikea
27:Your summer? ~ hot
28:Love someone? ~ Yes
29:Your favorite color? ~ blue
30:When is the last time you laughed? ~ Today
31:When is the last time you cried? ~ yesterday

Nothing to say

Sorry, Juls, I haven't anything to write about. I sit on my couch or stay in my bed most of the time. All I eat are cookies, candy corn, caffeine-free pepsi, and golden oreos. School was out the entire week last week, but the weather was really beautiful for the first few days. My brother- and sister-in-law didn't get power and water back until yesterday, so they stayed with us. My sis-in-law was a terrific nanny, cook, and maid, and I thank her so much!

Last night, I watched (interrupted, of course) "Dancing with the Stars," and tonight is the premiere of my #1 show NCIS. I'm living for it.

I'm filthy filthy. I think it's been 4 days since I showered. I have Sunday's makeup under my eyes, I stink, my hair is greasy. I HAVE been brushing my teeth. That is HUGE. I think about showering, but I don't b/c I have to dye my hair, which needs to be done before I shower, and I can't make myself dye my hair, so I'm just dirty. I'm okay with that.

I just feel very uninterested in life; I'm not in a bad mood. I just increased my dose of meds, so after this week, when it goes up again, I really hope to see a difference.

The plus is, although I'm not functioning in my own personal life, I am really enjoying my kids. They are being really funny right now (funny "ha ha"), so they are pure entertainment. We all watch "Dancing" together. Charlotte gave commentary on the lack of modesty, and Claire put on her sequin dressup and danced along. She told me I have to be the judge, and she waits until I say a number with comments before she dances again.

I've also been playing Sudoku online. My fastest time was 3 minutes 30 sec. to solve a puzzle. I was impressed with myself.

So, that's the update. NOTHING. Oh, I DID rent "Baby Mama," and it is funnier the second time.

I haven't been to the gym since my yoga instructer left.