However, I just saw pictures of myself from this past week, and I feel like hiding under my bed. Forever.
But Sarah was right - I must be better if I can sing to her answering machine. And I am. Apparently, the generic medication was the culprit. I'm back on the good stuff, the black crow has flown the coop, and I'm back home. I actually dreaded that part, but when I came in and the place was clean (relatively), I cheered up. Now, I just have to not run away screaming before tomorrow which feels like a ton of steel about to crash down on me. I hate post-vacation depression. I will have to content myself with reading the last "Twilight" book. I'm really enjoying them, but I have a few criticisms as well.
Just so you know, I'm totally back on Team Jacob. I waffled there for a minute, but I'm off the fence. We'll see what happens after the fourth book, though.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Hello
The view from my couch.
This is what I've looked at for the past couple of weeks. (Except the folded clothes. That's new. )
Well, I'm not functioning well in the social area still, but I'm going to write this post before I chicken out. Thanks for all the well wishes.
I'm getting the house ready for us to leave for the week, doing laundry, packing. I prefer to do this stuff at night when my kids are asleep, or pretending to be asleep. We leave early early to drive to Oklahoma for a Ruggles Thanksgiving reunion. We like to leave when the kids are sleeping so we can get a good chunk of the trip out of the way before potty breaks and eating breaks and bickering. (Our kids are actually really fantastic travelers as long as it's a trip and not just out and about town.) We are taking one car, and I'm trying to find a way to stuff in everything we need. It's being held at a Girl Scout camp, so we have to bring bedding and towels as well. Plus the pack n' play for Gabe. Plus coats. Then the regular clothes and toiletries and diaper bag stuff. Stuff to do in the car, games to play while we are there...
I've spent most of my time on my couch under a blanket. I've played a lot of Sudoku on the computer. Sarah and Liz have stopped by and gotten me out of the house (thank you). Liz called the shrink and changed my medication and refilled it and picked it up. So you can see how great I was doing. I just changed from the generic back to the name brand, but I think I'm seeing a difference.
I saw "Twilight," of course, and I loved it, of course. So, I am now reading the other three. These are things that show that I'm improving. Because NOTHING is fun or interesting or even tolerable when depressed. Even Sudoku. I just played it out of, I don't know, change of scenery from the couch.
Alisha told me that I fake feeling better very well (thank you, that is a very good compliment). I'm worried that I won't feel any better and won't be able to fake it for Andy's family for a whole week. Looks like lots of time in my room. At least I have the books.
My other worry is that I will miss Black Friday. I'm one of those die-hard crazies, and I love love love it. I usually spend it with my sisters and some friends (Oh, Natalee, I'll miss you!) with a total mission that the military could learn from. Jess and I (sister-in-law) will be hitting it up in Tulsa, and I hope we can get our hands on the ads to formulate our plan of attack. Reminds me: I need to remember to pack scissors, paper and glue to make up our mission documents. She's never done it with us before, and I'm excited to induct her into traditional planning meeting.
I've already moved my calendars to December. I'm through with November. It sucked. I hate at the end of the month how crowded and ratty the calendar looks. I like the beginning of the month when I trick myself into thinking my life is as uncluttered and organized as the calendar looks.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Addiction
I am addicted to sugar. (Also blogging, but that isn't causing weight gain.) SO, I am making a HUGE leap forward. I am finishing the last two unleaded cokes in my fridge and NOT BUYING ANY MORE.
Oh you heard me.
I am going to drink water (ugh).
So, for those of you who are aware of the 4 to 6 cans I drink a day, you know how tough it's going to be.
That's it.
Oh you heard me.
I am going to drink water (ugh).
So, for those of you who are aware of the 4 to 6 cans I drink a day, you know how tough it's going to be.
That's it.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Oh the things that a pumice stone can do!
Besides scaly feet. I just got a stainless pan clean that I have been completely unable to get the black bits off of. (that was an awkward sentence.) Yes, I just cooked with it b/c, hey, if the black isn't coming off under the power of every SOS pad and cleanser known to me, then it certainly won't come off on the food.
But TODAY I pumiced with the vigor of a scullery maid, and that sucker shines! So, I took the pumice to a cookie sheet that I only use to broil meat due to the fired-on yuckiness that also resisted all manner of removal.
The pumice triumphed! Until I ran out of pumice. I used up one stone on two pans, I was grey and gritty to my elbows (literally), but it was quite satisfying!
I'm counting it as my workout.
But TODAY I pumiced with the vigor of a scullery maid, and that sucker shines! So, I took the pumice to a cookie sheet that I only use to broil meat due to the fired-on yuckiness that also resisted all manner of removal.
The pumice triumphed! Until I ran out of pumice. I used up one stone on two pans, I was grey and gritty to my elbows (literally), but it was quite satisfying!
I'm counting it as my workout.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Beware - This one is pretty serious.
I know I'm not posting a lot (for me), but I seriously can't think of anything to say. I'm trying to work on myself, my spirituality and stuff. I can only say that my way into the scriptures and into prayer generally begins with hymns. I know I'm a broken record when it comes to my testimony of music, but I guess that's because it is generally how the Holy Ghost gets his foot in the door.
Ok, that being said, I want to express my feelings about the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" (#85). I learned all the verses - there are seven -when Charlotte was a baby. I was initially motivated by hearing Liz say that it was her favorite hymn. (I don't know if it still is.) It turned out that Charlotte would fall asleep in my arms while I sang it, so I got lots of practice with all the verses; they have stuck with me since then.
I'm generally amazed at how many situations this one song fits in my life. Verse six ran in my mind during the time of my grandfather's death earlier this year: "And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn, Like lambs shall they still to my bosom be borne." I felt happiness for him; peace for me; gratitude for the plan of salvation and the tender love of a Father in heaven.
During times of deep deep depression, I recite verse 4 "The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow." Right now, when I'm struggling to get somewhere, and I feel accosted on every side, I keep singing and singing verse 7.
This verse, it makes me realize most of my fighting is actually against leaning upon Jesus. I know it's Satan. I feel guilty b/c I'm so unfaithful so often. I hear this verse; I'm reminded that only repose awaits me. Rest. Peace. Respite. Refuge. Even broken as I am, I won't be forsaken if I just kneel down when I want to scream and run.
And let me tell you, I SO want to scream and run. How many times a day do I throw my head back and say, "I can't do this anymore!" I hide in my room, on the computer, in front of the tv. I get angry at things like, oh, I don't know, hymns about sunshine and happiness.
So, here's me, trying to humble myself and turn to Christ. My testimony is surely too strong to keep rejecting this path. Anyway, thanks for listening. I know it's kinda heavy, but, just so you know, y'all's support really does make a dent in the pain. So thanks.
Ok, that being said, I want to express my feelings about the hymn "How Firm a Foundation" (#85). I learned all the verses - there are seven -when Charlotte was a baby. I was initially motivated by hearing Liz say that it was her favorite hymn. (I don't know if it still is.) It turned out that Charlotte would fall asleep in my arms while I sang it, so I got lots of practice with all the verses; they have stuck with me since then.
I'm generally amazed at how many situations this one song fits in my life. Verse six ran in my mind during the time of my grandfather's death earlier this year: "And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn, Like lambs shall they still to my bosom be borne." I felt happiness for him; peace for me; gratitude for the plan of salvation and the tender love of a Father in heaven.
During times of deep deep depression, I recite verse 4 "The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow." Right now, when I'm struggling to get somewhere, and I feel accosted on every side, I keep singing and singing verse 7.
"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!"
This verse, it makes me realize most of my fighting is actually against leaning upon Jesus. I know it's Satan. I feel guilty b/c I'm so unfaithful so often. I hear this verse; I'm reminded that only repose awaits me. Rest. Peace. Respite. Refuge. Even broken as I am, I won't be forsaken if I just kneel down when I want to scream and run.
And let me tell you, I SO want to scream and run. How many times a day do I throw my head back and say, "I can't do this anymore!" I hide in my room, on the computer, in front of the tv. I get angry at things like, oh, I don't know, hymns about sunshine and happiness.
So, here's me, trying to humble myself and turn to Christ. My testimony is surely too strong to keep rejecting this path. Anyway, thanks for listening. I know it's kinda heavy, but, just so you know, y'all's support really does make a dent in the pain. So thanks.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Postscript
Jess commented on my last post to talk to my mom about how I was at my kids' ages. My mom has told me the story about taking me to the doctor when I was two to figure out what was wrong with me. He said, "She's two."
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Anger Management Issues
What is up with my kids!? Ok, I can't describe the ludicrous fits of rage that Gabe throws. It's out of hand. Hitting furniture and people, flopping, screaming "NO NO NO," wailing, glaring, throwing things...
Then there is Claire. She has recently decided to cry as soon as she is spoken to or given an answer to her questions or has to perform any task. Full on. Jumping, flopping to the ground, doing that lip thing where you suck in your breath and your lip is just flapping. It sounds like "Fuhfuhfuhfuh" on the inhale. Screaming I DON'T LIKE THAT, crying that her legs hurt and she can't move and she can't stop crying.
And Charlotte. When you FINALLY get her attention and get the point across, she dissolves into tears. Loudly. Not high-pitched. Just hollering away, right in front of you, unstoppable.
Ok, I'll leave it to my sisters to comment, but I really don't think they got it from me. I mean, of course I'm not perfect and I snap and whatnot, but honestly. Sarah, Liz, you've seen my kids. Honestly - really - is it from me?
I can't stand it. Can't can't can't. Oh, and I don't want advice; I want commiseration.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Clutter
No, not you, Laura and Kimberly. You are the good kind.
I'm talking about the bad kind.
If you've seen my house - and most of you haven't b/c it is nasty and I have issues with space invasion (not the alien kind) - you will know it is a filthy repository1 of clutter of every kind. My sisters call it The StuffMart.
So it may be surprising that I HATE computer clutter. My desktop must have the minimum of icons. My folders and files must be cleaned out and organized. And, I have discovered, my blog feels too cluttered! You may not think so by the new background and what not, but that can be tolerated (for a while) due to the jolly holidays. I'm pretty sure it'll be changed before Thanksgiving to something more soothing to my eye.
But you may notice that the major change is NO MORE BLOGLIST! Please don't take it as an offense. In fact, it is a compliment. I have so many friends and family whose blogs I must read, that it made my sidebar feel very messy. Scrolling down, down, down. Plus, link-hopping makes me nervous. DON'T BE OFFENDED! I don't mean people who I know, and we are interested in each other's lives! I don't mind being on y'all's bloglists at all! I just feel, I don't know, kinda traitorous (personal issue) to y'all, my friends.
Did I stress enough that y'all are my friends? I feel like I'm going to hurt someone's feelings, and I so do not mean anything as offensive or snobby or irritated or [insert negative reaction here].
Ok, all that being said, if you were blog-hopping on my bloglist, and now you have lost the links to the blogs you were reading, PLEASE let me know! I will hook you up!
(You are my friends! I love you! Hop all you want TO my blog! You just won't be able to hop away. MWA HA HA HA!)
1Repository
a) a facility where things can be deposited for storage or sakekeeping (check!)
b) a burial vault (check! You can bet your stuff will be buried under mounds of other stuff, never to be seen again)
c) a person to whom a sectret is entrusted (ok, that doesn't apply to my house, but I'd like to think it applies to me)
I'm talking about the bad kind.
If you've seen my house - and most of you haven't b/c it is nasty and I have issues with space invasion (not the alien kind) - you will know it is a filthy repository1 of clutter of every kind. My sisters call it The StuffMart.
So it may be surprising that I HATE computer clutter. My desktop must have the minimum of icons. My folders and files must be cleaned out and organized. And, I have discovered, my blog feels too cluttered! You may not think so by the new background and what not, but that can be tolerated (for a while) due to the jolly holidays. I'm pretty sure it'll be changed before Thanksgiving to something more soothing to my eye.
But you may notice that the major change is NO MORE BLOGLIST! Please don't take it as an offense. In fact, it is a compliment. I have so many friends and family whose blogs I must read, that it made my sidebar feel very messy. Scrolling down, down, down. Plus, link-hopping makes me nervous. DON'T BE OFFENDED! I don't mean people who I know, and we are interested in each other's lives! I don't mind being on y'all's bloglists at all! I just feel, I don't know, kinda traitorous (personal issue) to y'all, my friends.
Did I stress enough that y'all are my friends? I feel like I'm going to hurt someone's feelings, and I so do not mean anything as offensive or snobby or irritated or [insert negative reaction here].
Ok, all that being said, if you were blog-hopping on my bloglist, and now you have lost the links to the blogs you were reading, PLEASE let me know! I will hook you up!
(You are my friends! I love you! Hop all you want TO my blog! You just won't be able to hop away. MWA HA HA HA!)
1Repository
a) a facility where things can be deposited for storage or sakekeeping (check!)
b) a burial vault (check! You can bet your stuff will be buried under mounds of other stuff, never to be seen again)
c) a person to whom a sectret is entrusted (ok, that doesn't apply to my house, but I'd like to think it applies to me)
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Oh so many names
Stolen from Jamie's blog...
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Snowball Subaru
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Rocky Road Brownie
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) J Rug
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Blue Monkey
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Lee Austin
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)rug je
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)The Green Coke
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Harry Roscoe (best name EVER!)
9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Pure Chocolate (2nd best name EVER!)
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Alice Harris
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) McMurray Memphis
12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower) Spring Tulip
13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”) Blueberry Jeanie
14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Eggs Japanese Maple (WORST name ever!)
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”) The Reading Rain Tour
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) Snowball Subaru
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) Rocky Road Brownie
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) J Rug
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) Blue Monkey
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Lee Austin
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)rug je
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)The Green Coke
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) Harry Roscoe (best name EVER!)
9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy) Pure Chocolate (2nd best name EVER!)
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names ) Alice Harris
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter) McMurray Memphis
12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower) Spring Tulip
13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + “ie” or “y”) Blueberry Jeanie
14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree) Eggs Japanese Maple (WORST name ever!)
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”) The Reading Rain Tour
I'm a mush
I'm a pushover for all things patriotic. I tear up every time, even when the kids say the pledge. I just went to Sarah's kids' "Vote" play, and, as hysterically funny as it was, I teared up just watching the kids talk about America . The anthem gets me every time. I love this country. I love my homeland. I think it is so important for everyone to love their homeland (or find a homeland they can love). I know I've been unimaginably blessed to be here where I can vote. Yes, I teared up when I got my "I Voted" sticker. We live in tough times. We all have our differing points of view; we are passionate about them. Let's love each other, though. Let's support each other's right to speak and right to vote and right to disagree. I know I'm preaching, but I cried when I voted, so there.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Tagged by Irish Karen
Lucky 8
8 TV shows I love to watch
NCIS
Life
Ghost Whisperer (shut up, everyone)
Ace of Cakes
Project Runway
The Mentalist
Wheel of Fortune
Murder, She Wrote
8 Favorite Restaurants
Texas Roadhouse
Olive Garden
Sandy McGee's
BJ's Brewery
Fernando's
Churrasco's
Kasra's
Pappadeaux
8 things that happened yesterday
Made 4 costumes
Trick-or-treated
Went to the zoo
Packed snacks
Got gasoline
Showered
Got home an hour after Charlotte's school ended (Aunt Jess to the rescue!)
8 things I love about this Fall / Autumn
Warm enough to trick-or-treat without coats
Lots of pleasant weather
Family reunion for Thanksgiving
Vince coming down and getting endowed
Gabe is wearing shoes (finally)
Watching all the wards' primary programs
Driving with the windows down
Charlotte doing pilgrim art at school
Things on my wish list
massage
drop 15 pounds
Gabe will stop hitting (argh!)
be able to keep the house clean
new bathrooms
flooring
matching trim
everyone could come to the reunion
8 things I am looking forward to
Christmas
family reunion (I know, a broken record, but I'm excited!)
Black Friday
Going to bed
Liz's garage sale
Watching my shows this week
Claire's dance recital in the spring
Gabe speaking more
8 TV shows I love to watch
NCIS
Life
Ghost Whisperer (shut up, everyone)
Ace of Cakes
Project Runway
The Mentalist
Wheel of Fortune
Murder, She Wrote
8 Favorite Restaurants
Texas Roadhouse
Olive Garden
Sandy McGee's
BJ's Brewery
Fernando's
Churrasco's
Kasra's
Pappadeaux
8 things that happened yesterday
Made 4 costumes
Trick-or-treated
Went to the zoo
Packed snacks
Got gasoline
Showered
Got home an hour after Charlotte's school ended (Aunt Jess to the rescue!)
8 things I love about this Fall / Autumn
Warm enough to trick-or-treat without coats
Lots of pleasant weather
Family reunion for Thanksgiving
Vince coming down and getting endowed
Gabe is wearing shoes (finally)
Watching all the wards' primary programs
Driving with the windows down
Charlotte doing pilgrim art at school
Things on my wish list
massage
drop 15 pounds
Gabe will stop hitting (argh!)
be able to keep the house clean
new bathrooms
flooring
matching trim
everyone could come to the reunion
8 things I am looking forward to
Christmas
family reunion (I know, a broken record, but I'm excited!)
Black Friday
Going to bed
Liz's garage sale
Watching my shows this week
Claire's dance recital in the spring
Gabe speaking more
Happy Halloween!
I was, well, it's obvious. Argh, mateys.
Today I'm extremely frustrated that I'm mentally ill. Every step is hard. I had a great time at a baby shower, but now, sadly, I'm back to my real life, and I don't even want to eat candy (EEK!). I got a haircut as well - long overdue. You'd think these things would improve my mood, but no. It's not external, it's internal. The fight is on the inside - the fight is me fighting me. Stalemate, of course. I feel both stagnant and exhausted in this fight. Pushing as hard as we both can (me and me), and getting nowhere.
Back to the shower - girls are WAY more fun than boys! I wish I could tell my teenage boy-crazed self that. Not that I had so many boys, but I sure wished I did. We ate and ate (at least I did), and talked and talked, and LAUGHED SUPER HARD! I'm totally counting that as my workout.
We'll miss you Jamie! Stupid, lucky Seattle.
Today I'm extremely frustrated that I'm mentally ill. Every step is hard. I had a great time at a baby shower, but now, sadly, I'm back to my real life, and I don't even want to eat candy (EEK!). I got a haircut as well - long overdue. You'd think these things would improve my mood, but no. It's not external, it's internal. The fight is on the inside - the fight is me fighting me. Stalemate, of course. I feel both stagnant and exhausted in this fight. Pushing as hard as we both can (me and me), and getting nowhere.
Back to the shower - girls are WAY more fun than boys! I wish I could tell my teenage boy-crazed self that. Not that I had so many boys, but I sure wished I did. We ate and ate (at least I did), and talked and talked, and LAUGHED SUPER HARD! I'm totally counting that as my workout.
We'll miss you Jamie! Stupid, lucky Seattle.
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