I've started over writing this post 3 times now. That's a sure sign I haven't got anything to say. Too bad, people. I'm writing anyway.

I went to the gym this morning without my gymfriends. As hard as that usually is, it was harder today b/c the childcare center has added a rule: Shoes and socks required at all times. We are bare-feet folk. My kids went ballistic when I told them to change their shoes and to find socks and to HURRY BECAUSE THE CLASS STARTS IN 5 MINUTES AND WE ARE 15 MINUTES FROM THE GYM AND THAT DOESN'T COUNT THE TIME IT TAKES TO CHECK YOU INTO CHILDCARE!!!

Ok, I didn't scream. I mean, I DID, but that was only to be heard since they were screaming like banshees the whole drive to the gym, across the parking lot, down the hall to childcare, and as I dropped them off. I told the ladies NOT to page me to come take care of them today. They could just cry for all I care.

They didn't, of course. As soon as there was no mom to abuse, they were extremely happy and playful. I'll give them props - they remained happy when I picked them up and all through our morning errands.

I laid them down for naps, and then I fell asleep on the couch. If they were as tired by their behavior as I was, they should have slept, too. Apparently, however, children have powers of endurance beyond our capacity. See why you need chores, kids?

Actually, the city in which I was born!

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

If it's not one thing...

...it's my phone. Always my phone.

My usual phone situation is:

• I only have a cell phone


• A home phone isn't possible until the phone company comes out due to the lighting that struck my house almost a year ago


• I have no reception inside, so I have to go outside to talk on the phone


• The volume is busted (plus I'm deaf) so I have to talk with it on speakerphone


• The battery cover pops off periodically. It just doesn't fit right. I don't know why. It has NOT been in water.

And now it won't charge. I have to wiggle the charger cord around to try to get the little light to light up. And, even if I get it to light up, it somehow unjiggles itself and is no longer charging. So, even though it was plugged in overnight, it is dead. Dead dead dead.

And I'm ticked ticked ticked.

I was going to stay home today and keep cleaning and saving gas, but I just can't stand it, so I'm going to the T-Mobile store. Oh wait. I better think twice. The account is in Andy's name, and if I get down there and they tell me they can only help Andrew Ruggles, I will LOSE MY RELIGION on those people. So, I'd better call Andy first. OH WAIT. I CAN'T. NO.PHONE.

I'll email him from the computer, and if they internet goes out, I can't tell you what I'll do, but it will not be rational.

Comcrappy

My Comcast internet connection has been sucky, so to all who I owe an email, it will come soon! Now, off to find out if my kids are crying for real or just making the sounds while they play in their rooms.

And the winner is....

Blogging!

Thanks to those who have allayed my fears and insecurities, because I think I really like blogging.

Now, on to the important stuff!

I'm less crazy!! I FINALLY called my shrink (after almost drowning Gabe and mistaking Claire for a stranger), and she added another medication to counter the manic symptoms. Other than sleepiness and nausea, it is helping, I'm pretty sure. Self-test:
Do I know the day of the week without checking the calendar? Monday
How about the date? The 23rd
Can I finish a sentence that I


stop midway? Apparently.

Near-drowning of Gabe

At a splash pool with one of those big slide things. He LOVES the water. So, we kept sliding together. Well, he just LAUNCHED himself down a slide before I could even blink. SO, I threw myself down the slide after him. Yeah, so I just landed on top of him. He was underwater (and undermom) for less than 3 seconds, but he was sure upset that a big white mama landed on him. He cried and cried. And then slid some more. I asked the lifeguard what I should have done. Since she was, like, 13 and just sat there when it happened, she didn't have a response.

Mistaking Claire for a stranger
About 3 hours after we got home from the pool, I glanced down and saw a strange little girl. My first thought was, "Crap! I brought home the wrong kid from the pool!" I blinked, and it was Claire. I called my shrink then.

Now, I have a very busy day planned. I am interested in seeing how far I get before I just sit down and read while the kids gorge themselves on popsicles.

Housecleaning

Not the actual house, mind you. I was just reading over old posts (thanks, Jules!), and I noticed that I NEVER UPDATED my dental history! Now, I know you don't care. But I promised on a previous post to update.

Instead of 2 weeks after the temporary crown, I went back to the dentist at 4 weeks to have the permanent crown put on and 3 fillings and a regular cleaning. Crown, good. Fillings, fine, whatever. I was close to losing my back tooth with two cavities, but it's still there.

The real peach of the day was the cavitiy between two front uppers. Have you ever gotten a shot in front? They lift up your upper lip and shoot it right up there at the top of your gum! It stings more than the ones in the back, but they also have a secret bonus prize...

Botox! What I mean is, when my lips and surrounding areas were numb, I looked like I had gotten botox injections. AND I LIKED IT! I looked so relaxed and pleasant! The corners of my mouth turned slightly up instead of slightly down. Those hideous parenthesis from my nose down to my lips were softened.

I either need to stop brushing in front or save up for botox. Until then, my sweet sister-in-law Jess sold me botox-in-a-bottle. I don't know it's real name, but it sure lifts and tightens! Perhaps the belly and boobs could benefit?

Still waiting until Monday

I keep going back and forth about no longer blogging. Thanks, Carrie, for being one point for Blogging. I am trying to neutralize my fears so that I can enjoy it again. There have been some benefits. Like feeling more connected to you folks that I love and feeling y'all's love for me, and some sort of emotional release every day. I tend to feel a lot better after I blog. I think that is the purpose of journaling, in general, but I suck at journals.

I just need to remember to
a) only focus on my friends and family who love and support me
b) don't compare my life to anything at all
c) don't hate on myself

I'm sure there are other things. But if I can get comfortable with that, I may continue. Still, Carrie, you are the biggest reason thus far for continuing!

I think I'm going to quit.

I want to quit blogging. So, that's it. I'm done. I'm deleting the blog, what's today? Friday? Yes. I'll delete it Monday so that #1) whoever reads it has a chance to check it and read this post, and #2) I try not to make rash decisions when I'm either manic or depressed. Or have PMS. So, I'm giving it 3 days. Bye.

3rd post of the day

Saying goodbye to the Bradshaws has stirred up some very powerful feelings for me. Due to the current manic phase I am in, most of them are terrified. Let me start off by saying to Julianna that the only part of the following that applies to you is being nervous to email; I am very excited to talk to you!

Ok, so I logged onto Andy's facebook page to snoop. I can't bear to make one of my own. I tried. I deleted it in less than 7 minutes. Anyway, logged on as Andy, I was looking at his friends, and then his friends' friends, and then theirs, and I got REALLY overwhelmed! I mean, first of all, it never stops! And it makes me feel hunted! Who could find me? Anyone!

Totally unacceptable. ("That behaviah is completely unasseptaboll." Anybody? Anybody? C'mon, it's JoJo the Supernanny!)

But I also saw these really amazing friends from my past, and I felt so SAD that I had let go of them. I am so worried that I'll lose Natalee and Gary, so I feel like I have to take a (scary) step and talk to someone I miss. I chose Julianna because she is, well, just wonderful. An easy friend to have.

It has made me feel so shaken up and nervous. I have been fighting tears. I've been terrified that if I contact anyone, it'll be bad. If I don't contact anyone, I'LL be bad.

And this, my friends, is the tell-tale sign that mental illness is at the wheel. The paranoia, the insecurity, the inability to decide or stand by a decision or REMEMBER the decision for that matter. I am used to depression. It's awful, sure, but it's familiar. Mania, though. It's a lot harder. So, yes, I'm returning to my dear head-shrinker for tweaking¹.

Just so you know, my heart is actually pounding at the thought of publishing this post. It's the feeling you have in the dream that you are naked in public. And not the good dreams like that.

¹I really shouldn't talk like that. It just reinforces the archaic stereotypes and stigmas about mental illness that I fight against every day. But it's just so funny! And everyone is crazy anyway, so just jump on the bandwagon! Except you Natalee and Jessica. Y'all are weirdly sane.

The Bradshaws - Final Episode

Right, so, if you read the last post, you will see that I just stopped typing mid-sentences. Yes, well, that is due to another instance of my neurons ceasing to fire at inopportune moments.

No, I didn't forget to finish the sentence; I forgot that it was Wednesday. The friends to whom I gave my big old rug, the Bradshaws, MOVE AWAY today. I was just typing away like it was Tuesday until I realized it. I was so afraid that I had missed saying good-bye, that I scrambled off the computer, obviously publishing the post in my efforts, and rushed off to see if they were still here.

They were! Oh, thank goodness! They are incredible friends. I would've been hounded by guilt if I hadn't remembered to say goodbye. Plus, I had a couple of things to give them.

We are now home after spending the morning with them as they finished up packing their house. I cried only a little. I tried to not sob in front of them. They have felt just like family, and I hate to see them go. Fortunately, they are really going on a long vacation first before settling in their new town, so I am just treating it accordingly.

Um, so with the furniture moved out of the way to get the rug, I had to rearrange the room. Sounds even more trivial when I say it now, doesn't it.

Scatterbrained is not a character flaw; scatterbrained is not a character flaw scatterbrained is not a.....

Andy got home late last night. I was plastered to the couch. I couldn't do the girls' bedtime routine beyond scriptures and prayer, so I sent them up at 7pm saying that I'd send Daddy up when he got home. The ETA at that point was 8pm. They kept coming down to complain and ask for him. Since he didn't get home to, what, 10:30? around there, well, the girls came down a LOT. And I could NOT get off the couch to go up and do the singing and everything. They had fallen asleep when Andy had gotten home. What are ya gonna do.

While he was GONE, however, I AMAZED myself! In the same day, I went and got an oil change with all the kids, and then I went straight from there and got 2 new tires put on the car! I wouldn't do these things if I had NO kids! And and AND these things are a few months overdue. So why I did it the day Andy was gone? Who knows. To prove to myself that I'm exceptional.

Also while he was gone I did the usual: rearranged the living room furniture. I bought two dressers from IKEA for our bedside tables, and my dear friends

Punchinello

Thank you, Rachel, for reminding me about little Punchinello. If you haven't read it, it's by Max Lucado. Stickers for the nonconformists.

Well, I never really think much about the stickers because, well, I basically never feel like I compare myself much to others (or care what others think about me). However, as I was reading Rachel's blog, I realized that I stick the stickers on myself. I feel inadequate and stupid and incompetent and all those things, so I just stick stickers all over myself so I cannot forget that I'm failing in all these areas.

But, just like Max Lucado says, the Creator does NOT make mistakes. He's been trying to remind me of this lately, and I'm really trying to get it. I'm slow (oops! another sticker!). I mean, I am receiving lots of hints and reminders to encourage me to accept myself as I am. No. Really. As I ACTUALLY am.

HOWEVER, if my mom or Jared read this, I am NOT accepting that my belly is cute. That's utter nonsense.

Girls' NightS Out

I actually had 2 in a row! Tonight was a lovely spa night and dinner and hanging out with my sister in law Jessica and my friend Delana. I got home about 3 am and felt very renegade. We just went to Olive Garden and then Jess's condo, but you know how you get to talking (all night long), and it just gets sillier.

Last night I also hung out with Jess and her friend Karly. We watched "The Family Stone" and ate pizza and played Yatzhee. Also silly. And, about the movie: How can I love a movie so much with such obnoxious, reprehensible people? They are like the worst family ever! I love it. I cry every time.

So, now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I'm up. That's it. What to do? Blog, even though I don't know what to say.

Let's talk about Scatterbrained.

I truly am. I am trying REALLY HARD to not bag on myself for it (remember the change in attitude.) I am really really trying to slow down and be patient, tell myself that there is no reason to get worked up or frustrated. I will find the keys, eventually. I will remember what I was saying. And if I don't, well, it probably wasn't important anyway. I will make scheduling mistakes and therefore drop the ball on people. I can apologize. Yikes! For example! I'm totally not working on my stake activity day puppet show, which is ONE WEEK, and I'm supposed to do it with another sister who I HAVEN'T CALLED UP, and I'm supposed to secure a pianist and prepare a singing activity!!!! Oh my gosh, I am FREAKING OUT! EVERYBODY! Leave me alone this week, and if I try to talk to you (or blog) cut me off and tell me to get BACK TO WORK!! Geez, this is when I want to say something negative about myself. I gotta think of something else... Come on, Jennifer...

Ok. I still have a week, so I will be able to fully prepare for next Saturday. I can do it in steps. I can make a list. I can go to Mom's for help (she's very very helpful). This doesn't make me a bad person or and idiot. I may be weak in this area, but I am striving to change it, and that is a really important step in the right direction. There we go. Make it a matter of prayer.

I gotta go to bed. I deal with stress by being unconcious. I'm not going to preview this post to check for errors b/c I am sure I'll delete it.

What to say

Today I was talking to some friends about how to respond to those social situations that seem to happen a lot, at least to moms of young children, that are really, well, rude. I have come up with responses to the three instances that I have encountered the most often. Please, if you have more responses or other situations, let me know!

1. "You have your hands full!" Usually said somewhere public, like the grocery store, when you are with your kids. Generally accompanied by a smarmy smile.

Response: "I am really blessed!" With a genuine smile. These people need teaching.

2. Any staring situation. Although this tends to come to me when I am in a public place with my kids, it can apply to anyone anywhere (my sister used it at the gym when some dude was staring):

Step 1 - Smile directly at them. The kind of smile you give when you see someone you recognize at church but don't want to talk to, not the kind that invites someone to come have a conversation. This works a lot b/c it lets the starer know that YOU know that they are staring.

Step 2 - For the persistent starers. Oh, they are out there. They are the passive-aggressive jerks who are pointedly trying to express their disgust at either your children or your parenting or both. So, after the smile, give them a, "Can I help you?" Businesslike, and a little annoyed, but still with the smile right there on your face.

Most people back off here. I've had an instance when I have been engaged at this point. It ended ugly.

3. This is for those situations when you are fielding criticism for anything you are doing/not doing/trying to do which having your young children makes difficult or trying or drawn out or whatever. Since that person obviously feels they can speak on your personal situation, ask them, "Well, what do you do with your small children when you [fill in activity here]?" Since this sort of situation is most often perpetuated by people without any small children at home, there ought to be a pause. This can be followed with you smiling and leaving it at that, or just walking away, or, to drive the point on home, you could say, "OHHH, that's right! You don't HAVE ANY." I haven't used this one yet, but I'm ready and waiting.

This response was inspired by my sister Liz who tends to take this sort of approach when people try to tell her how to run things in her life without knowing anything about her situation as well as by my friend's really horrible neighbor. My friend, having 3 small children, didn't bring the empty trash cans back up from the curb the day after the trash was picked up. Yes, a day late. And, so you know, I understand that this peeves many good people. Understandable. The point is that sometimes we need to cut folks a break; we don't know everyone's situations. ANYWAY, so she came home that next day, and some fine, upstanding citizen had dragged her trashcans all the way up her walk and set them right in front of her front door. I bet you thought I was going to say "all the way up her walk and set them by her garage" or something kind and thoughtful. Nope. Something high-school and snotty. And passive-aggressive. Coulda just knocked on the door and complained like my neighbors do. But no. This unknown person took the time to haul those cans all the way up to the house just to block the doorway. And my poor friend had to deal with that added inconvenience while trying to get her three little kids and all the gear that goes with them through that door. Argh!

I remember when I was young and my mom would have all seven of us at the grocery store. I remember hearing people say things like, "Don't you have a tv?" She was always an example of forbearance. If I were in the same situation, I'd like to say, "I'm so sorry! He must not be very good at it if you just want to watch tv! Well, good luck with that!"

Mom's of young children, UNITE! We don't have to take this scornful, pitying, critical abuse! So what if we are harried! So what if our kids are sometimes loud or disobedient or messy or slow! So what if we don't always put the cart back in the cart return (we would rather not leave our children alone in the car while we cross the parking lot, HELLO!) We are great people! We are choosing the better part! We shouldn't hang our heads over that! We should smile and let those folks know they are missing out! We are building eternity and they are SNIPING at it! And some of these people just need to learn to MIND THEIR MANNERS!

"She's the Man"

Thank you Craig and Jessica for getting me to watch this movie! I LOVED it! It is juvenile and cheesy and unrealistic and TOTALLY HILARIOUS! I mean it. I laughed ridiculously. And that was only the first viewing. We all know that comedies are like cheese and wine.

It is a version of Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night," which I love. It took me awhile to narrow it down to "Twelfth Night," since, like, ALL of his comedies have twins and mistaken identities and whatnot. He knew that is the stuff of pure comedy.

I know what I'll be watching after FHE tonight...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I just deleted a whole post because even I didn't want to read it.

Gabe actually fell asleep on me today at the very end of church. That NEVER EVER EVER happens, and it is such an awesome feeling!

They announced today that our ward boundaries will be changed next week. We are all putting in our guesses on what they will be. There were lots of tears (especially from our dear bishop as he made the announcement), but I myself just feel excited anticipation. Probably because I really don't think I'll be in a different ward from any of the family. And because I work closely with the Primary, and they are busting at the seams. Our ward has become HUGE! Last week, they invited people to come up and sit in the choir seats if they couldn't find room in the congregation. There were 21 kids last week in nursery. SOMETHING has to change.

Per my new outlook on life :) I am no longer feeling irritated by all the crowding and inadequacy of the building. Listen up, y'all, this is the Lord, here, not my own amazingness. All of a sudden, I just feel like saying, "Hey! We have people coming into the fold in DROVES! That is such a reason to celebrate!" I think about those pioneers out there in Nauvoo or Far West or Salt Lake, when the new arrivals kept flooding in with nothing nothing nothing. They were welcomed, and people gave them places to stay and food and clothes, and everything, and they were HAPPY! Dude! I gotta be like that.

So, I'll let you know what the results are next week. If I AM in a different ward than my sisters or Uncle Tim's family, I may not sound so chipper.

The reason for the change

Ok, so I am refocusing my outlook on my life regarding mental illness. I am changing as of now. I am going to try really hard to use faith and the Spirit to see things looking up instead of down. Stop complaining and moping. Stop calling myself crazy and second-guessing myself and getting as upset as I do when things become so difficult for me to accomplish. That is the GOAL.

And I have that goal because the Lord has asked me to do it. And at the very foundation of my testimony is that the Lord wants me to be happy; he is omniscient; therefore, following Him will bring me way more happiness than doing what I would rather do or what I think will work better. And that He will help me and support me in accomplishing it.

Self-esteem breakthrough

Ok, not really a breakthrough because it isn't new information. At least for me. But I USED the information, and THAT is a breakthrough.

Here's what the Lord provides me with to counter the self-esteem crusher...

Service.

Yep, I went and did some. And it wasn't even the "other people's troubles are worse than your own, get some perspective" stuff. ANY service works. Personally, I served in my calling. I am Stake (yep, STAKE) Primary Music Leader, and I went to a board meeting and sanded strips of wood that are going to become bows (as in Nephi's bow) for our Stake Primary Activity Day this month.

So, let's talk about STAKE. No Buffy included. When I was called this year, it was a total shock-and-awe reaction. Seriously? Do I seem that old? Let me clarify: by "old" I mean mature and responsible. Turns out, NOT REQUIREMENTS. However, I am the only one with kids at home, and the closest one in age to me is my friend's mom. She was only a year ahead of me in school (the friend, not her mom). I used to spend the night at her house.

As it turns out, I'm as odd-seeming to them as I am to me. Not that they treat me differently (aside from considering my babysitting requirements when planning a meeting); but I can tell that they notice I act differently. They say things like, "She's young. She has lots of energy." I say things like, "Dude, you are seriously rocking this stake thing!"

The great thing about this upcoming activity day is that I will once again get to function in the GREATEST CALLING EVER! I will get to do singing time with the kids. I am so excited that I am trying to cram as much stuff as I can into the mere 5 minutes I am given. Well, it could be more than five. If any kids come early - which they do - I am the entertainment/babysitting. And, per the norm, music is always the time filler if necessary.

Ok, now is a good time to iterate that I don't think the stake is a calling promotion. I just think it is very VERY adultlike. And intimidating. And who really knows what stake people do? You never see them. They show up periodically, and people say, "The stake's here." Turns out, the stake does a ton. Very useful stuff, too. While it is weird to be so removed from the ward action, I still like it.

Enchiladas Verde Recipe

Click the title. That's the link. It took me awhile to figure it out. I'm not blog-savvy yet.

Rice Krispy Treats. 'Nuff said.

The sucky thing about self-esteem is not having it.

Disclaimer: The following morose blog reflects my inactivity at this time of morning, but the feelings expressed are constant no matter the hour.

It's 3:45 am. I can't sleep. I never can when Andy is out of town. I am not even sleepy although I am very weary.

I created a facebook account and then deleted it. I felt too exposed. As I browsed around, I confirmed, per my suspicions, that I do NOT want to reconnect with my past. I talk to everyone I want to talk to. Plus, it feels pretty redundant. I already blog.

This is not a diss on the people I used to know. It is a commentary on myself.

I have noticed that many of us with mental illnesses do not like to approach the past. I ALWAYS have bad feelings about my past. Even if I have good memories of it. It is basically the constant feeling that I burned all the bridges, I mucked it all up, I ruined all relationships.

The only memories that don't cause me to feel like jumping off a cliff¹ are from my very small childhood. I love the feelings of everything up to, oh, about 5th grade. Starting in about 1st grade, I have SOME feelings of angst, just a little, and I have good feelings about the 1st 6 weeks of middle school. Then, it is all downhill. Not downhill really. More like down the ravine. A rapid, jagged descent.

When I run into people from my past, my first overwhelming impulse is to apologize for who I was when I knew them. This is a really sucky cycle because it has no cutoff point. If I met you last month, and I haven't had contact since then, I will still want to apologize for the person I was last month and for any experiences you may have had with me.

I know it is fueled hugely by bipolar because I can cite TONS of positive, rewarding experiences and events in middle school, high school, and college (not young adulthood, but I was pretty horrible then). I met my best friends in high school and college. Every story I tell is so funny and positive. Yet every feeling associated with that time is really really negative. Self-deprecation, embarrassment, regret, shame, crawl-in-a-hole-ness.

Self-esteem issue, I know. Don't bother trying to encourage me; I'll only apologize for the person I was when I posted this. Of course, I'd delete it now, but, as I have stated in the past, that would really undermine the title of the blog. Gotta lay it out there like it is.

¹Probably I shouldn't joke about jumping off a cliff seeing as how I, you know, have some depression issues. I actually never am suicidal, if you are wondering, so set your minds at ease. I will probably be here avoiding my ever-lengthening past for many many years.

What I Do For Love

Yes, I put on the big ears. Gabe brings them to me; I cannot disappoint him. I walk around for hours.

My brother the writer

Read my brother David's essay at http://squeezetheuniverse.com/juice/grover_coming. I am so proud! I also learned from that link that he helps edit quotidiana.org

SO, everyone read! And if you are a publisher, publish!

Good job, Goatboy.

"Screaming Mimi"

Thank you TCM for showing "Psycho" on Friday night, without which I would never have discovered the never-before-heard-of "Screaming Mimi." What a weird (and not good) movie, and we watched the whole thing. Murder and insanity. Not scary. But how can you compete with the title?! I will work it into my daily vernacular some way, somehow.