The Black Crow

Things are looking up around here! Shrinky-dink added a secondary medication, and The Black Crow flew this coop.

Ahhh, The Black Crow! My mom's suggestion for warning my floor of freshman at college that I had PMS. I hung it on the door of my room as an RA, and the girls knew that I was not going to be reasonable or, very often, nice. It's so much easier to hang up a black crow than to try to explain to everyone in your family that you have PMS, yes STILL, and NO IT'S NOT GONE YET!

The Black Crow is what I want to name my revolutionary restaurant one day. It will be set up with a Man Tolerant section and a Man Intolerant section for those women who canNOT deal with men today. Men will sit, obviously, in the Tolerant section only. The entire menu will be a la carte and will be organized according to food craving: chocolatey, chewy, salty, crunchy, creamy, spicy, you get the idea. I'm brilliant. Tell me you wouldn't want to go there with your girlfriends! Finally, a place where you can order a Coke with lime, chocolate cake, and onion rings with NO JUDGEMENT¹!

¹My last meal before going into labor with Charlotte. Mmmmm!

Gustav

I'm the most uninformed person about this, but the weather channel website didn't make me feel scared. However, I'll actally watch the weather on tv tonight. I'm prepared as far as food and water and candles go. However, Natalee, if I need to run, I'm running to you! Email me your address at jennifer.ruggles@gmail.com.

Forget last night

I was in a black place. Today is looking better. Although I'm still depressed, I have a bit of hope since the Shrinky-Dink called in some supplementary medication, the sun is up, I got enough sleep, and Charlotte got off to school in good time. Oh, and it is payday, everyone's favorite day.

Escape Fantasies and Why They Still Suck

I have what a psychiatrist called "escape fantasies." Fairly self-explanatory - you dream of escaping your life, going somewhere new where you can live a whole new, super-fantastic life! Mine usually involves a deserted beach in Mexico with a cooler and a book.

Here's the catch - I have to pack me. Yep, the worst company in the world, my own blamed self, is along for the ride. So, it doesn't really matter HOW fabulous my imaginary beach is, because I'm still the one sitting on it! And I actually can't stand me right about now, so that ruins the whole escape part of the fantasy! It's pitiful, truly, but I can't seem to imagine up a satisfactory escape that excludes me so that it would be fun.

So now I'm just stuck here in my own life, and lemme tell you what that is like when depressed. It is wholly boring and worthless, that's how. It is actually intolerable. I can't stand my house, my furniture, my food, my clothes, my reflection, any tv show or movie, any books - even sudoku irritates me! I just scrubbed the you-know-what out of my sink, and guess what: it is still my ugly old aluminum sink. Yep, just like when I clean the mirror, it is same old ugly me looking in it. And when I cleaned my room, it was my same ugly clothes I was putting away in my EXCESSIVELY ugly bathroom.

Here's my new escape fantasy: a giant garbage truck pulls up to my house, and I dump in the entire contents of my home. That's as far as it's gotten since, at that point, the only thing in the fantasy is me, and we covered what that's like already. I can't sleep tonight (although I was falling all over myself tired earlier in the evening). I don't know how I'm going to distract myself from myself until I do finally go unconcious. This is where I understand drug users. The idea of just taking a pill and this all leaves makes so much sense. Lucky for me, I have a stupid conscience and drug abuse seems to rub it the wrong way. Besides, all that will do is bring on tomorrow faster, and tomorrow is just another today waiting to happen. See what crappy company I am?

I'm reminding myself of that SNL skit where Rachel Dratch is a big old party-pooper. Y'all remember that one? She kills every attempt at conversation with some depressing fact about the state of the world spoken in a dour tone of voice. Yep, that's me. Except I'm not getting paid or famous from it like she is. Ok, I'm through talking; I can't stand myself. Good night.

Depression sucks

I'm only writing b/c I'm depressed, which means I can't think of anything to say, which means I'd never write again if I waited for something of interest. Depression makes EVERYTHING uninteresting. It is the ultimate bored feeling. Added to that is great irritability, overly sensitive and thus many crying spells, and the inability to care enough to make a decision on ANYTHING - dinner, tv shows, whatever.

I'll tell you exactly what I do all day: I wander from room to room in my house until I fall asleep on the couch or bed. The sleep isn't restful; I'm actually gripping my fists and scrunching my face the whole time. So, I stay tired physically as well as mentally and emotionally. My wonderful sister got me to the temple yesterday, so I had some rest from these feelings for a short time and just felt peace. The temple rocks like that. Plus, I was going through for a woman named Myrtle Pancake, which made me smile alot!

I HAVE been reading "The Scarlet Pimpernel." I really like it. It's a quick, fun read. Since I've read it before and seen the movie AND seen the musical (the musical sucked), I don't have to concentrate too hard to follow the plot. It's the book for the book club next month, and I am going to be the discussion leader. Don't ask me how that works - I haven't any idea. I ordered it online, but it hasn't arrived, so I'm reading it online for free. I don't particularly like reading off the computer screen, but I feel compelled to continue in order to be ready to be the discussion leader next week.

Ok, that's all the conversation I can drum up. My doctor is supposed to call me today, which I doubt will occur until tomorrow. The point is that these meds aren't working and I'm just getting worse, and going back to depression after such a long break is CRAPPY, and they better change my meds again. I'll go back to Lamictal, which worked great, as long as they give me an appetite suppressant so I don't gain more weight on it. Oh, and I eat like crap when I'm depressed, so everyone can just welcome back my lost three pounds; they have found their way home.

The Recap

So, she liked it! That was her first response when I asked about her day. The rest of them were whines and complaints about little things: it was long, there were no bikes in the gym, she didn't get to do any math... She DID tell me that she picked her wedgie all day long. Great, she's THAT kid. I told her that maybe it would be better manners to not do that at school. She'll think about it.

Neither of us cried at the drop-off. I think both of us felt like it was pretty much just like preschool. I'm getting nervous now though b/c I have to do it again EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK. Preschool was just Tues/Thur. It makes me feel tired to the bone just thinking about it.

So, just like that my kid is in school, and I am at home trying to entertain the other two all day long. If flies by so fast, doesn't it?

It's here

The first day of school. Holy crow I canNOT believe it. I haven't woken up Charlotte yet b/c that would officially start the morning countdown to Kindergarten. She's sleeping like a rock. On the other hand, I slept like it was the first day of school - lousy.

I'm ok with dropping her off, having her be gone, and then picking her up. She did that in preschool last year. It's worrying about the in-between hours that I stress out. What if someone is mean to her? What if she's scared and nobody is sensitive to her feelings? What if she asks a lot of questions (an entirely probable situation), and the teacher tells her to put her hand down and just listen? That one bothers me b/c she truly wants to know things, and she's so sincere when she asks, and that would just hurt her bad.

Anyway, my mom is coming over at 7:30 to see us off and watch the kids for me. It'll be exciting, and we'll try to take pictures. I'm not a big picture-person, but I'll make the effort for her grandparents far away. I'll write more after the day is over. It'll be a long day b/c I'll pick Charlotte up at 3 and go immediately to Claire's dance class. Wish us luck!

Apparently, the therapy worked...

...also known as RAPIDLY CYCLING MOOD SWING. Because I feel fine now, I'm over it, I bought a book online, and apparently that $5 worth of retail therapy contained the magic remedy. Whatever. It sucks to be crazy. I'm going to lay on the couch and wait for the day to pass by.

Writing for therapy

I'm about to lose it. I'm writing purely out of self-help necessity. I feel really trunky. I want to run out the door and stay gone, but I have three beautiful little kids sleeping here. And instead of feeling blessed I feel tied down and lonely. I'm crying now. This is so CRAPPY. Everywhere I turn in this house I feel like I'm up against a wall. I can't read, I can't watch tv, I can't think of anything to say on the phone to anyone at all. It's all totally internal. I upped meds last night, so I have to wait a week or so for any results to exhibit themselves. Death rules.

Kindergarten prep

We met the teacher. The five outfits are hanging in my closet. The completed paperwork is in the backpack. The school supplies are turned in.

Yeah, about that: I followed the list (mostly) that they gave me, and I still got it wrong. They want a pencil box now, not a pencil bag. I felt like er idiot. Yes, yes, I know that is irrational. I was hoping Charlotte wouldn't notice and then be embarrassed by me (she didn't and she wasn't).

Overall, it was a positive experience. It put me and my sister Sarah in a nostalgic mood that culminated into a trip to our own elementary school.

The thing that was the best was the smell - it was EXACTLY the same, and it made everything so real! It was the BEST BEST BEST elementary school in America, and I have nothing but positive, happy, loving, fun memories of it. Plus, they had the MOST AWESOME school tshirt. We ARE the Petrosky Pirates!!!

Then we had sno-cones. Which reminds me, last night we also had sno-cones, and I froze my tongue and lips and couldn't speak. I sounded like Daffy Duck when I asked Sarah a question, and I couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the night. I actually cried and drooled (although, the drooling I've become used to). It was one of those hysterical laughs that could easily have ended up as crying, but it was just so fun! It wash a little like thish, but with shpitting and shlurring!

Oh no!!!

I went upstairs to get Gabe out of bed this morning, and as I approached his door, I could hear his tiny little hands rattling the doorknob. Yep, he had climbed out of his crib! This is a FIRST for any child in our family. The little creep!

I'm only writing because...

...Seriously, folks - NOTHING interests me! I would never write again if I didn't force out this boring old post right now!

I ran this morning, hurray for me, and I did yoga last night, so I hope that I cancelled out all the cookies I ate yesterday. I'm suddenly cookie-hungry all the time. Oh, I also had a DELICIOUS Dr. Pepper (unleaded, of course).

I dreamed about shopping on Black Friday last night. That, plus the cooler early morning air put me in a holiday spirit. Weird! I totally feel like buying and wrapping presents. Well, not wrapping, exactly.

For those of you who don't know, I HATE wrapping presents. I HATE buying wrapping supplies! I am just spending my money on glorified garbage!! You bring a wrapped present to a party; within 30 minutes, that wrapping is torn asunder (oh yes, I said "asunder") and tossed in the trash. It is garbage. People, you are paying good money for trash! And it ain't cheap!!

That said, I will wrap the Christmas presents. But I do so under strong objection.

I think today is the day I clean my room and go through all of Charlotte's clothes in anticipation of school beginning on Monday. She will have 5 outfits, hanging in my closet, complete down to the socks and shoes, that she will get to choose from each week. I'll wash on Saturday. That's the grand plan.

In case you can't tell, I actually feel chipper this morning. It's nice! Maybe going up to a higher dosage yesterday is paying off!

"Bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste good."

Anybody know that one? John Travolta in "Pulp Fiction." (edited version, my friends)

Nothing much is going on here, and I don't have anything nice to say, so I have been posting nothing. My overall mood is generally bad. I feel put upon most of the day. My kids fight a lot these days, so I'm constantly disciplining. And I'm bored since nothing holds my interest. I did another incremental shift in my medication - up with the new, down with the old. Maybe another week will see a difference.

On the plus side, we had FHE. And let me tell you, my kids are SMART! I totally underestimate them sometimes. There was an activity in The Friend with pictures of objects that are found in different verses in the Book of Mormon: an arrow, some metal plates, a tree, etc. Dad read the verses and they totally shouted out the name of the object before he even finished and without help. I was so encouraged! Plus we had cookies for snack.

About that - I ate, like 5, after I had a quarter pounder meal for dinner. I guess I can kiss those 3 pounds hello again. My problem is I'm not self-motivated. I do better about working out if I go to the gym. But I hate paying for the gas. What to do?

OH! I almost forgot. I got spray-tanned yesterday. Man! Fat is WAY better when brown! Oh my gosh, it sounds like I'm talking about bacon. I gross me out.

Gabe just walked by in a t-shirt and nothing else. What is up with that kid? Now I have to go find his diaper and then start a puddle-search.

For Irish Karen

The rules of the game are each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

10 Years Ago: I was working at a software development companny, wasting my time and money, and (fortunately) writing letters to my future husband on his mission in Chile.

5 Things on my to-do list today: 1. Run 2. Call the Shrinky-Dink 3. Take Claire to dance class 4. Get dressed 5. Return borrowed stuff to Tim's and Katie's homes.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire: Properly fix up this house and sell it. Buy/build my dream home. Pay off all debt in my family. Take a world tour with a nanny in tow. DEFINITELY have a personal chef. Set us up for a bright future and live on the interest.

3 of my bad habits: 1. Putting off my kids in order to sleep longer 2. Cussing (seriously, though, it is RARE these days. I mean, not even hells and damns hardly ever!) 3. Complaining

5 places I have lived: 1.Austin TX 2. Houston TX 3. Sugar Land TX 4. Provo UT 5. Richmond, TX

5 jobs I have had: 1. Receptionist at a hair salon 2. Sales associate at a drug store 3. Telemarketer for 3 companies 4. Sales associate for a softward company 5. software tester for the same software company.

5 things people don't know about me: 1. I wish I could write songs 2. I am really uncomfortable meeting new people 3. I have never liked my face (sad, i know. you now all know the pitiful truth) 4. i don't drink caffeine anymore 5. i would rather drink all my meals than chew them.

All mixed up

Still in the middle of the drug-change, so I feel considerably off my rocker. I keep waiting around for things to happen, and then when they do, I can't wait for them to end. There is no enjoyment in such a life. I just keep praying and singing hymns to get me through the rougher moments.

And it is moment to moment. I just keep telling myself, "The only thing you have to do to survive this minute is nothing." So, I keep doing nothing, and it is working for survival, but not much else.

I talk to Shrinky-dink on Monday to continue the adjusting of dosages. I'm looking forward to being totally on one medication and off any others. The process of changing is so sucky. Wean onto this, wean off of that... it feels as confusing as it sounds. I'm pretty sure I just took my PM meds this AM. Well, a few hours difference I can't worry about.

Hey, did you know there is a hymn for depressed persons? True! It's #120 in the LDS hymnbook, "Lean on my Ample Arm." The first line is, "Lean on my ample arm, O thou depressed!" Here's the whole verse:

Lean on my ample arm, O thou depressed!
And I will bid the storm Cease in thy breast.
Whate'er thy lot may be On life's complaining sea,
If thou wilt come to me, Thou shalt have rest.
If thou wilt come to me, Thou shalt have rest."
--Theodore E. Curtis

It is a constant prayer in my mind, these words. I know things sound bad over here, but they are actually do-able. I'm just getting really good at doing nothing ;) I mean as a coping mechanism rather than my usual just-laziness.

I lost 3 pounds!

Of course, right as I'm going off Lamictal. Further proof, you drug companies, that Lamictal causes weight gain!!!

Good mood

Today is Claire's 4th birthday, so we are all in a good mood. Andy got donuts for breakfast, and I resisted the temptation. It was smart of me to save those calories for cupcake batter - yummy!

I thought I'd write just to show that not every moment of my life is depressing to me. We aren't doing much, but we all feel happy and excited for Claire. She is referring to herself as The Birthday Girl. For example, "Save some for The Birthday Girl!" or "The Birthday Girl is here!" It's pretty doggone cute.

Last night was my first dose of yet a different medication. I slept like a rock, so I have no complaints thus far. Just like last time, it'll take over a week to tell what the new drug does b/c I'll be slowly weaning off the previous drug.

Uh oh, Gabe's here. I gotta shut down the computer so he doesn't do irreparable damage!

Loser Thinking

So, here's how my thought processes run while depressed. I should say now that I'm not super-depressed. On a scale of SuperDepressed to Normal, I fall at about Not Depressed Enough to Hate Everything but Just Depressed Enough to Not Enjoy It. That means, I eagerly think up some activity, say, watching a movie. But by the time I get the DVD player going, I think, "Ugh, I don't want to watch this."

So, I don't actually DO much of anything. Today, I was going to do ONE thing: hang a curtain rod. Because I have my drill back from my brother-in-law. But I can't find the rod. This starts a swift downward spiral in my mood and thinking. I'm a failure; I can't even do this one little thing; my house is disgusting; I can't get it in order so why try... That sort of thing. So, I wrote about it in my journal, and as I was doing so, I had a thought. The thought was, "No, you CAN'T do everything, but you can do one room."

The one room I picked isn't even a room - it's a closet. The under-the-stairs closet that is so full of junk I can't see the floor. I currently have it emptied out. Everything is all over my bedroom. The next step is to weed out the stuff I no longer want. Unfortunately, I only have 1 trash bag left. So, I'm back at square one, "I can't even do this one little thing..." I've been singing "How Firm a Foundation," and it helps a little. But I'm still faced with a bedroom full of stuff that needs something done with it or to it or whatever. Gabe's sleeping, hence no trip to the store.

Claire's first dance class is today at 3:45. I may just drop her there and use the 45 minutes of class time to go get trash bags. Yes, I believe it will take the entire 45.

As for the stuff I'm keeping, it all has to go back into the closet. I'm designating it the Project Closet. Otherwise known as the Evidence of My Failure closet. Yes, because of all the unfinished projects. There are a lot of them. I have tons of excuses for it, but it boils down to me not being a finisher. You know, of projects, of college, of workouts, of sentences, of

Grover Family Game Night

Ok, just go check out "Journey to the East" on my bloglist. It's my brother's summary of last night (he's an inspired blogger), including a VIDEO of the Add-On Dance Move game results. Best game EVER! I'm serious, go read it for a good laugh. You'll learn more about the origin of my strangeness, and, seriously, the video is a must-see.

New Drugs, again

So, the shrinky-dink doesn't like me being depressed either. For something that makes you feel impotent and worthless, depression is powerful stuff - just mention it around here and people start hoppin'!

Ok, so we'll try a different drug, again, and I'll see what happens, again. White rat in a lab, anyone? It's an inexact science.

But I have been feeling better despite depression. Or maybe in spite of. I chose option 2* on my list of depressed activities: get out of the house. Of course, as soon as I walk in my door, it all floods back, but I can handle that. I immediately escape into fantasy world. You know, imagining I live in Mexico on a quiet beach with a cooler full of wonderful food, a stack of wonderful books, and me never getting sunburned. Got that blank look on my face? I'm in Mexico, you better believe it.

Today's out-of-the-house activity will be the grocery store. Anyone who's taken small kids to the store knows how horrible that can end up, but the prospect is still better than staying home all day. And tonight is GAME NIGHT at my parents', and that has been keeping me going all week!

*Option 1 is binging on junk food and Coke. It usually goes down like this: I say to the first available person - Andy or Liz or Sarah usually - "Here's 10 dollars. Go get me 8 candy bars and a coke!" Then, when they return with a variety of full-sized candy bars and a Route 44 of coke, I commence devouring them. I usually don't even talk until the 3rd candy bar is ingested. I won't share until I've eaten at least 5. Then, we lay around on the bed or couch laughing and talking while we ride the sugar/caffiene high. It's self-medication, sure, but at least it's legal.

Depression

Ok, I'm pretty much sure it's depression I'm dealing with. For example, I am FORCING myself to write this post. I keep wandering around my house trying to find something to do. Everything I come up with, I say, "Ugh, I don't wanna do that," and I continue wandering. The only thing that sounds appealing is eating junk food - a sure sign of self-medication. Plus, as I'm trying to lose weight and I'm not even hungry, well, it's a big pointer to depression. I am sleeping a lot all of a sudden. I'm just completely uninterested in anything.

I don't feel sad, though. That isn't a common feeling with me and depression. Usually, it's anger, but not right now, thank goodness. I'm just fidgety and dissatisfied. And nothing is enjoyable.

Ok, aside from that, I'm good. ;) My kids are being really well-behaved, and if I nap, they just leave me to it.

Ok, I have to go now. I'm about to trash this whole post, and I can't let myself do that. I'm NOT going to eat junk food now; I'm going to take a nap. That's a nice, safe, non-self-destructive move. And I already called my doctor, so I just have to wait for a return call. Hopefully adjusting the meds will work.

Exterminating the ANTS

Automatic
Negative
ThoughtS

ANTS.

I sure have them, these days, and, even though I can't control these feelings of depression, I can and will alter my thought processes when I notice the ANTS. My auto-reply to myself when I catch one crawling around my mind will be, "I am a daughter of God." I'll probably actually then sing a hymn. "How Firm a Foundation" is one of my all-time faves, and it has, like, 8 verses or something, so if I sing that every time, I should begin to squash those ANTS.

I have lots of plans for today, so I have to get off the computer. My goal is to get my workout in before Book Club. And then to remember to go to Book Club. If you are interested, we read "The Bronze Bow," and I really liked it.

Oh, crap!! An ANT just tried to crawl in! The one that says, "Working out isn't going to help you be thinner or prettier, so why are you even trying?" Ahem, "HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION, YE SAINTS OF THE THE LORD, HAVE LAID FOR YOUR FAITH IN HIS EXCELLENT WORD..."

Sucky and crappy

I really wish I could figure myself out. It's like I'm starting to be depressed, but it's hard to tell. I mean, Andy is out of town, so I'm going to be unsettled until he gets home. I have PMS, so that just blows everything out of the water. I'm still in the process of changing medication, so who knows if the dosage is right or if I'll have to pick a different drug again. Sucky sucky sucky.

The reason I think depression is sneaking up is b/c I cannot enjoy anything. I just wander around the house all day, fidgety, not being able to focus on any activity. No reading, no tv, sporadic and pretty crappy cleaning. I feel like I look ridiculous to the outside world. I feel like any efforts I make are futile. These are just feelings; I don't necessarily believe them to be truths. It just sucks to feel them at all, whether or not they are false.

AND, it is hard to sleep. I was bone-tired at 8:30 pm, and I went to bed. I slept for crappy sleep for 1 hour, and now I'm up. I have nothing to say, actually, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. Y'all just have to suffer along with me.

I'm nervous to take the kids to church with me by myself. I'm paranoid b/c if someone tries to help me or sit with me, I'll feel like such a loser. What a sucky outlook.

I just reread this (horrible) post, and so I'm inspired to title it now. Just be glad I no longer cuss (mostly.)

AAAH! I'm being accosted by feelings of failure!!! I can see big red F's on all my work! F for cleaning. F for decorating. F for dressing myself and looking presentable! F F F!

I hate when these things come. I'm going to go through my mental exercises with you 1) for virtual support, and 2) to let you know what I'm doing when I look spaced out and upset:

I always start with "I am a child of God. He loves me and he made me the way I am. I'm not an unifinished project."

Next comes, "His plan of happiness for me brings way tons more happiness than my plan I would have for myself. If I just follow along with it, I'll be so much happier than trying what I think will work on my own. So, if I ask for this to be taken away, and it isn't, that means I'll be happier and have more joy with this than without it."

Then, "I really do want to be happy."

And, "Christ decended below this. He knows these feelings intimately. He can give me what I need to get through this."

Thanks, I really needed that. I love y'all. The ones I know, I mean. If you are a stranger, I gotta ask - why would you choose to read this thing?