I Need A Grownup Life, or, Stop Napping on the Couch

Today I experienced my second extremely vivid dream steeped in Nick Jr. drama. It was not upsetting when Matt Dillon was selling me ninja turtle weapons from the back of an unmarked white van in UmiCity. Well, it was a little disturbing. I mean, I was having serious, urgent conversations with tiny animated characters in a vacant parking lot while pretending not to be star-struck by Matt. But that is nothing compared to today.

I will preface this by saying that I am ashamed.

So, I am sleeping on the couch this morning while Gabe watches cartoons. While last time he was watching Team Umizoomi, this time it was Blue's Clues. The old ones with Steve. Here's Steve:Right. So, here begins a very realistic dream in which I am involved in a game of Blue's Clues in my super-lux house. And during this game, which is being played amid regular real-life activities, I start falling for Steve. But, I'm married to Andy in my dream, and I am aware that this is an inappropriate situation. But it's too late - Steve and I are falling for each other. The dream was totally filled with that charged energy and atmosphere, all romantic and forbidden. But we don't get an opportunity to discuss it at length because some jerk finds the third clue. Then the last song starts playing, "Now, it's time for so long...." and Steve looks at me all upset and says, "I have to go. The song is playing."

Yeah, I know, people! This is crazy! I mean it is crazy because I was totally having vivid feelings in my dream about this dude. But wait, it ain't over yet:

I tell Andy I am going to walk Steve out to his car. As soon as we step on the front porch and I close the door, hot, forbidden Steve leans against me and puts his cheek against my cheek, and, I mean, it was totally HOT. It gets worse. In my dream, I actually think to myself (this is where my shame is overwhelming), "Man, I wish this was a dream so I could have an affair with Steve and it would be okay." STEVE, people! STEVE! AAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!

So, I wake up at this point. Probably a good thing or I wouldn't have been able to blog about it. And honestly, I don't want to know if I would throw away my marriage for a former Nick Jr. star. I'm awake, and sure enough, there was Steve on the tv, finding clues, unaware of what was about to be between us. And dang it if I didn't think to myself, "Shoot! It really was a dream - I could have kissed him!"

Nevermind that I do not find Steve from Blue's Clues attractive. Let it be known that in my dream, he had morphed somewhat into a more attractive fellow. And, in case you are wondering, Liz already asked me if he was wearing the green striped shirt. No. But he was wearing the khakis.

The Journal

So, I signed up for a 5k on New Year's even though I don't run. Then I downloaded some running podcasts that coach me from the couch to a 5k in 9 weeks. I'm on week 2. Obviously not on target for the 5k. Still, I'm following my little program as far as it takes me.

So, the tip for the week 2 podcast is to journal my feelings. Fine. My feelings are that I am horrified that my husband fits into my stretch pants. And he is running in them right now.

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I forgot to wear a shirt today.

True story: I drove over to my mom's with Gabe late this morning, and when I got there I unzipped my hoodie only to find no shirt underneath. Of course, being as lazy as humanly possible, I just put on a hoodie and my jeans to quickly drop the girls off at school this morning. Why bother with a shirt, right? I'm just going back home. But it was cold at home, and my hoody was so cozy, I never took it off or even thought about it again. Thank goodness I didn't decide to go to, say, the library and unzip there. It could have been so bad.

Also, I opened my first greivance issue with ebay. I bought something almost a month ago and haven't received it, and the seller hasn't responded to emails. I am partly irritated and partly wondering if that person is in a coma in a hospital and has no idea what is going on with his elife. We'll find out in up to seven days.

Things have cooled off with Gabe, thank goodness. He isn't as affectionate and adoring as he once was, but he doesn't verbally and physically hate on me daily, either. I'll take it.

The Thanksgiving break is coming to a close, and it was LONG. The kids all started it off with the puke bug, which totally sucked, but we were fine on Thanksgiving. I am SO grateful for that. It is my favorite holiday, and it is all about food and being around family, both of which would have been squelched if someone were still puking. They were fine the rest of the week, so they got to enjoy playing with their cousins, watching movies, and going to a big fancy park. It seriously feels like 2 weeks since they were last in school.

I am feeling up and down these days. The end of the year is so stressful, and I start getting anxiety issues. Lucky for me, I was reminded what a miracle it is that I have not been taking any mood stabilizing meds for 6 months and I am a normal functioning human being. Huge, peeps. Really huge.

I guess I need to start thinking about getting the Christmas stuff out. The kids keep talking about our tiny pink Christmas tree - it is hilarious that they love it so much. I doubt I'll put out much else by way of decoration, but we'll see.

Claire just asked for grits for dinner. My little belle. She is the only one of my kids with a Texan accent, too. I get a kick out of hearing her talk.

This post is just to clear the blog from the last one since I don't want all that malcontent just hanging out there against Gabe forever. I'm not feeling real bloggy, but I'm doing fine.

Dude, I am DONE.

Gabe just walked up to me, beaming, and punched me full-on in the crotch. What. The. Hell? I'm so freaking SICK of this kid it is ridiculous. I am angry! Really really angry. Who does he think he is? Holy friggin' crap, I am so on the verge of cussing him out.

This comes after he snuggled up to me on the couch this morning and says, "It's just, I don't like you." Okay! I get it! I suck! You don't like me! But you don't have to freaking HIT me, you little creep! Get outta my face.

You people better start praying for me, because I am reaching a breaking point. I'm going to go in the kitchen, make something that those kids BETTER not complain about, fake it through family home evening, and then I'm going to veg in front of the tv. Oh wait, I have to run.

I totally signed up for a 5k on New Year's Day, and I don't run. At all. So, I gotta run around for the next several weeks. But I'm vegging first. My crotch has to recover before I can run. His arms may look like spaghetti noodles, but they are bony, and that friggin' hurt.

Gabe voted me off the island

Gabe: "No moms or mommies allowed in our house, alright? Just kids and dads. Sorry, you out, Mom."


What? You little... What did I do?


Claire: "Mommies can be in our house, Gabey."


Thanks, girl. My only ally.


Gabe: "Nuh uh. They are mean to me. They can't come in."


Seriously? I'm mean to you? I'd like to suggest that it is you who is mean to me, kid. (As I'm typing this I hear him say in a whiney voice, "Awww, Char, you not awesome!" She wasn't letting him take a marker out of her hand.) Anyway, back to me. He is apparently taking it rather hard that he had a timeout for cutting his shirt with scissors. I really don't think that was an unreasonable disciplinary response, but, hey, I'm just the mom, and moms are out.


Thank goodness I'm going out with grownup girls tonight who appreciate me. Or at least the stuffed mushrooms I'll be bringing. Because I am a couple inches away from drop kicking him across the concrete floors, up the stairs, and into his big old bed for the night. And I don't care that he slept from 1:30 to 5:00 this afternoon.


Let's sign off with a picture to remind us all why we don't kick him out on a daily basis:

4 short random paragraphs

I just said to Gabe, "Do you like kisses?" as I was kissing his head, of course. He said, "No, that makes me lovesick."

It was the WORST night for sleep, and I couldn't wait for the girls to go to school so that I could conk out on the couch. Which I did, and then I showered, and now I feel so much better. What to do, what to do... I know! Watch tv on the couch!

Claire puked randomly at school yesterday. I have my pediatrician filling out the forms to get her seen by Charlotte's gastroenterologist. I think she may have reflux. And if that guy wants me to collect her poop, put it into jars, and freeze it, and THEN take her blood like he did with Charlotte, I might run away to Mexico.

I have a hard time coming up with food to feed the family for dinner (or any other meal for that matter) because food is generally unappealing to me. This week, though, I fasted so I was really hungry for something substantial. I decided I wanted chicken tetrazzini and screw the kids, but it turns out Charlotte and Gabe loved it. What what? That's awesome! I also wanted quiche, but I ate that alone. It was mighty good, though. I ate over half of it. But, I think that boils down to just over a two egg omelet with ham and cheese and spinach with a glass of milk. Okay, I used cream, but what I'm saying is that is a regular sized meal in my book. So quiche is the way to go. I made it crustless because #1 - crust is a huge effort, and #2, I usually don't eat that part anyway.

Peanut Butter Banana Cake Recipe

So, here's the original recipe I started with:

PEANUT BUTTER BANANA CAKE

CAKE:

1 c. mashed ripe bananas
1/2 c. butter, softened
1/2 c. creamy peanut butter
1 c. whipping cream
3 eggs
1 pkg. pudding included butter flavor cake mix

FROSTING:

1 can ready to spread vanilla frosting
1/2 tsp. banana extract or vanilla
3-4 drops yellow food coloring, if desired

GLAZE:

1/2 c. powdered sugar
2 tbsp. creamy peanut butter
2 tbsp. milk
1/2 tsp. vanilla

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Generously grease and flour a 13 x 9 inch pan. In large bowl combine mashed bananas and butter; mix well (mixture will look slightly curdled). Add peanut butter. Beat well. Add whipping cream and eggs. Beat at high speed until smooth. Add cake mix and flour. Beat at low speed until moistened. Beat 2 minutes at high speed.
Pour into pan. Bake for 45-55 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 15 minutes; remove from pan, if desired. Cool completely.

In small bowl, combine all frosting ingredients; stir until smooth and creamy. Frost cake. In small bowl, combine all glaze ingredients; beat until smooth. Drizzle glaze over frosting. Just before serving, garnish with thin banana slices. Store in refrigerator.

Here's what I did different:
I didn't find a box that said butter cake with pudding, so I used a yellow cake with pudding mix. I didn't add anything to the vanilla icing, I just used it straight out of the can. It was good. I didn't garnish with a banana. I didn't keep them in the fridge. They were just fine on the counter over night (all 2 of them that I had left). And I baked them for 20 minutes in a cupcake pan. Ta da!

We've been busy around here

Mostly with Charlotte's baptism and birthday party. It was a really gorgeous baptism service, and I want to thank all of my friends and family for participating. And apologize to whomever didn't see Charlotte get dunked. Andy had no idea that everyone wasn't in the room yet. I can attest to how impossible it is to tell what is going on when you are down in the font. I was sitting on the stairs, and all I could see in the room was a wall of kids pressed up to the glass to see the baptism. So, very very sorry.

We also had her bday party with the fam. Turbo party. I made a monkey cake and some peanut butter-banana cupcakes that were pretty dang good. They were even better the next day because the banana flavor had developed a little more. Here are some pictures:




Anyway, we have the children's primary program at church on Sunday, with a practice on Saturday, plus a birthday party to attend on Saturday, and then we are camping next weekend. Busy.

In other news, I have been watching "Dark Shadows." Not the original soap opera from the sixties, but the tv drama revival from 1991. It is so goodly bad or badly good depending on how you look at it. It was only 1 season, so I am left hanging with questions. Does anyone remember this show besides me? Barnabus the vampire? Angelique the banshee voodoo queen? Trust me, it is campy greatness. PLUS PLUS PLUS, Johnny Depp is slated to star as Barnabus in the Dark Shadows movie set to start filming in February. So jump on the bandwagon now, peeps! I think I'll be renting the 60's original soap if I can get it.

Lesson 5

So, I'm taking a class online from BYU. I had been moving along at a nice pace with a 100% average until a few weeks ago when I got to Lesson 5. Lesson 5 was my first written assignment. The previous grades were all multiple choice, graded on the spot by the computer. So, I came to a stop.

It isn't that the assignment was difficult. I just haven't had to write in an organized essayish fashion in over a decade, and I really didn't want to screw up. And it takes energy to organize my thoughts into paragraphs like that.

Today, though, I did it. I turned in Lesson 5. I received an email letting me know it may take 24 hours to receive the grade. Boo. I moved on to the beginning of Lesson 6.

When I got back home a few minutes ago, I thought I would just check to see if I had a grade yet. I didn't expect it, really, but I thought a look at those 100%s all in a row would boost my self esteem. And guess what? Lesson 5 was there! And guess what else? I still have 100% average! SO good for my self esteem!

In other news...

Charlotte went to the shrink today, and she had blood work done today. The shrink was great. This guy was really nice and insightful, and he is sending us to a cognitive behavioral therapist for some skillz. Love it. The blood work, though. Ugh.

She had to be poked in both arms because the flow stopped in the first arm before they had filled all their vials. I was already perturbed because Marianne, the tech I met earlier in the day when dropping off the POO SAMPLES (one of which had to be frozen, so that has been in my freezer for a few days. Ugh), told me she would be there until six and she came from pediatric and was great with kids, and as it turns out she was NOT there, so two other ladies had to do it. Yes, two. One holding down Charlotte's arm, one poking, and then they switched off. Plus Andy was holding her down, too. There was much screaming and one firm lecture from me about holding still to get it all over with. Once that band aid was on, she split. I mean, the lady was saying, "Would you like a treat?" and Charlotte was already out the door, down the hall, and in the lobby headed for the parking lot. Her treat came in the form of a trip to Chick-Fil-A where Andy fed her because her elbows were just too sore to bend.

I am so glad that is over.

Hurray for 100%!!

Charlotte is 8!!!

Happy birthday to my big girl, Charlotte! I can't believe she is eight today. No, really, I can't. Being the first child, I can remember her infancy the most clearly, and I can remember holding and thinking about this day 8 years later. And here we are, in a blink of an eye, and she is so big and smart and wonderful!

I'm hoping today is a great day for her. She's having a really stressful time right now, so I want today to be a break. Eat whatever you want, today, babe. Liz brought her doughnuts for breakfast, she gets to buy her lunch, and we'll do whatever she wants for dinner. Then, it is her first Activity Days*, and I'll take up cupcakes for all the girls. She is stoked beyond belief. Plus, it is picture day at school, and she is wearing a light-up Birthday Girl button to be immortalized in her 2nd grade photo.

My mom is coming today to help me to something with this ridiculous sty of a house. I can't do it. I recognize defeat. Still, I'm dying to cancel b/c I don't want to mess with it! But it just needs to be done so bad. We have ceased to function. As a small sampling of the state of my home, here is a picture of my desk. It is representative of every horizontal surface including the floor:

I've been horrible about eating sugar lately. I need to reform. Again. A never-ending cycle. Sometimes it is so easy, and I don't even think about junk food. Other times... yeah.

I just remembered: Charlotte woke up telling us we had just put her down to sleep after the restaurant where she ate her "fantina," which is what dad told her a plate of all-you-can-eat food is called. I love my kids' dreams.

And while I'm writing cute stuff to remember: On Sunday, we were gathering in the office to watch General Conference on the internet. Gabe came in to a picture of the Mormon Tabernacle choir sitting in their seats all dressed up in their robes. The women wore red robes and the men wore blue. He glanced at the screen and said, very conversationally, "Oh, who's winning? The blue team or the red team?" Oh, sweet boy, I love you!

Alright, Charlotte, I'll be thinking of you all day! This time 8 years ago I was laboring away at Texas Women's Hospital, wishing I was drinking a Coke. My last meal before I went into labor was onion rings, chocolate cake, and Coke with lime with all my girlfriends. You came on your due date, blessed baby, and Sarah and Mom and Dad all saw you get here. All I remember feeling was happy and excited the whole time. You were the sweetest little baby, always laughing and interested in everything around you. And look at that! You are the same way today! I love you!

Here's a very tiny video of her at a couple days old. It's cuz I can't find a still shot on my computer, and it's only, like, 5 seconds, and if you look at the top of her head when she looks to the left of the screen, you can see a little bit of the giant hematoma nastinest that ensued when the vaccuum popped off her head over and over during her birth:

*At our church, girls ages 8 through 11 participate in a program called Activity Days. Twice a month, they all meet for fun activities and learning experiences that are intended to help them develop and grow their testimonies and their characters. They focus on learning and living the gospel, serving others, developing their talents, memorizing scriptures, and identifying their testimonies. They didn't have this exact program when I was growing up, and I'm excited to learn alongside Charlotte.

I got 13 hours of sleep last night

I figure I should have enough energy to blog.

Charlotte went to a pediatric gastroenterologist last week because she has reflux and constant stomach problems. The doctor thinks the same thing I've thought her whole life - she's sensitive. BUT, because he is a responsible medical professional, he ordered some tests. Therefore, there is a jar of frozen poop in my freezer. Plus room temperature poop in three other jars. I'm almost done with the poo collecting, and I have to say I relish it in comparison to what is next: blood work. That girl lost her mind at the doctor's when she heard the words. We haven't taken her yet mainly because I need Andy there to deal with it. She will be ridiculous. Argh.

Aside from the testing, the doctor made some minor changes to her diet that have her all stressed out. Drinking only water besides one glass of lactose-free milk a day, for example. Oh no - she has to cut out her ONE juice box! Trauma! The hardest is having sweets only once a week. There goes popsicles and ice cream sandwiches after school. Naturally, all the kids are on the same restrictions to make it fair. So far, not many complaints. And the last change is movign to higher fiber cereal. We found some she likes, but she is still holding it against me. AND, she freaks out at each event in her life, "Does the doctor say I can play soccer?!" Um, yes. He says you can play soccer. And do your homework, and watch cartoons, and take a shower and EVERYTHING ELSE YOU NORMALLY DO. Just drink water, less sweets, and different cereal!

My hair-loss has declined recently. I'm left with a pitiful, fuzzy curtain of hair. A sheer curtain. Ugh ugh ugh. Whatev, I've always hated it, now there is just less. I personally didn't think hair came thinner than mine, but I like to surprise myself. I can wrap one of those small-sized pony tail holders around my hair four times. Four. Used to be only three.

Gabe is pushing his friend on the swing right now - so cute! Mostly it is crashing into him and making him stumble and her laugh. He is such a goofball!

SEVEN!

NCIS premieres tonight at 7pm, so NOBODY bother me. I'm very excited to see my friends again! Not you people - my fictional friends.

Other than that, well, honestly, is there anything more important? Nah. The kids are helping each other through their afternoon ritual of corn dogs and ice cream while watching tv. I'm going to toss a frozen lasagna in the oven and crank out the homework so they are upstairs by 7pm. Gabe is having a meltdown about nothing in particular because he is sleepy. I totally get it, I'm the same way, so I'm just letting him go for it with no interference from me. Oh - he just came to tell me what his problem is. During transport from the microwave to the table, his corndog rolled around on the plate and got all ketchupy. I think I've convinced him that he should continue rolling it around until it is thoroughly coated because that is the cool new way to eat corndogs.

I need it to be 7. Seven, seven, seven. HURRY UP!!!

Sunday WInd Down

It was such a nice Sunday! I mean, even before the four hour nap. And this is why:

I got to go to Sarah's Primary Program today. (That's when the children ages 3 to 11 do the service with speaking parts and singing, fyi). I LOVE primary programs!! I love hearing the children. Anyway, it was SUPER good. The kids sang like pros, so loud and clear, and I just loved being there. Minnie sat on my lap, too, and called me Tila like she does, and was too fun. She was actually chewing gum. I said, "What is that in your mouth?" Minnie: "Gum." Me: "Seriously?? You're TWO." Minnie: "Yep." Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry, she is such a teenager already.

Then I came home and got all involved working on my own ward's primary program. So much so, in fact, that I forgot I was supposed to be playing the piano for choir practice at 12:15pm. Which I remembered all of a sudden at 12:20pm. I tore outta here like a crazy, drove like a crazy to the church, and ran like a crazy into the foyer. Something seemed off, I couldn't figure it out, until the choir, which was sitting in the foyer, told me the current ward was running over so we hadn't started yet. Phew!

And then... I played the piano for the choir to sing in sacrament meeting, and I didn't mess up once! Totally never happens like that, so I was feeling great!

The Primary kids are settling into our new schedule that we recently adopted. We are having them all meet together, juniors and seniors, for sharing time. It's been crazy, but today I saw the beginnings of them settling down. So lovely!

THEN, after all that success, came for 4 hour nap. Woo hoo! I woke up at 8:30 in order to have scriptures and prayers with the kids, and then I went to help Faith with her newspaper project. Oh, how I love a project!! We made columns and picked fonts and all that really fun stuff that I am always looking for an excuse to do.

I just got home from that, and the house is quiet. I am going to watch a little tv on the couch, one of my favorite activities of all time. I have plans during the week to look forward to, and I have a little feeling that I might even clean something! This is mostly precipitated by the fact that I walked in the back door and smelled the house. Not too pleasant. Whatev, I'll light a candle and worry about it tomorrow, a la Scarlett O'Hara.

RLS

Dude, I could NOT sleep last night because I suddenly started experiencing Restless Leg Syndrome. Or, as it is known in my family, the creepy-crawlies. I had to get up and walk the floor at 1am because my legs felt so creepy and jumpy. It was so crappy because I was very very sleepy and I didn't want to be up. I used to get this when I was pregnant, and I would cry because all I wanted was sleep.

So, Andy got the girls ready this morning and let me sleep. Lovely. I still feel it a little, but since it is daytime and I walk around a lot, it isn't as bothersome. WHAT CAUSES THIS CRAP?!

So, I made an appointment for Charlotte to go to a therapist. She's just been struggling so badly with anxiety and OCD. Poor little girl. Hopefully, she can start learning some solid coping skills that will serve her throughout her life. It's hard to see her sad so much. (TOTALLY just remembered my dream! Because it was about Charlotte being naughty and me punishing her and not feeling like I could punish her appropriately. Going to school in sopping wet clothes and being grounded for 3 days didn't seem good enough.)

I made the stupid lunches

Yesterday and today, so I feel like, really, I've earned some sort of break. I think that it is taking the form of not showering since it has been 3 days, and I can't force myself to do it. I thought about it for a long time - why is it so hard to shower? What part of it is so insurmountable? I can't figure it out.

I have typed, like, three different sentences and deleted them because I was so uninterested in what I was saying. Which was nothing. I was saying nothing. My mind is empty. I guess that means I should nap now. Gabe loves it when I nap on the couch while he watches cartoons, do not ask me why, so I'll count it as good parenting. Plus, I am going to have to go get milk and bread today, and the store always sucks up all my energy. Two birds, one stone, naps are great.

Monday Again

And I am sitting here trying to force myself to make school lunches. I HATE making lunches. I don't know why, it isn't hard. Well, I have to open a new peanut butter, which means I have to stir it up since it is the all-natural kind. I hate doing that. Seriously, though, it's not hard. It's just like blowing up balloons - I hate doing it.

Gabe is prattling on incessantly, as usual, and it makes my ears feel tired already. PLEASE let him let me go back to sleep when the girls leave for school. I'm not even that sleepy, by my ears are very overwhelmed by his little voice.

I have started planning Charlotte's baptism. Cah-razy. But I love it. I have been waiting to plan it since she was born. Seriously, I used to think about it when she was a baby.

Okay, little dude is leaning against me and counting out loud. For no reason. Just because he must always be talking. I need earplugs.

I didn't clean.

It ain't looking good for tonight, either. It feels like a hopeless endeavor. I'm waiting for dinner to finish up for the kids - spaghetti and meatballs, broccoli and grapes. It smells unappetizing to me, though. I tried a recipe for fish tacos for lunch. Subpar. I'll have to keep looking.

I got my new planner in the mail today and filled in all the birthdays. I feel very accomplished. Homework hour is going smoothly and quickly. I'm just so tired at the end of the day. And since I don't do much during the day, the only reason for that is GABE. He. Never. Shuts. Up. He talks constantly, and he requires a response after each phrase, and I am exhausted by it. Plus, he's in the "why" stage, and that is also tiring. "How old am I?" "Three." "Why?" "Because you came out of my tummy three years ago." "Why?" "Because that is when God sent you." "Why?" "You'll have to ask Him, honey." "Why?" Argh!!

I should clean.

It is actually bugging me, but it is dark and rainy, and the couch is so cozy. So, it isn't likely that I'll clean anything today.

Tonight is Open House at the school. I LOVE Open House! The teacher gives you the schedule and all that. It feels like buying school supplies or getting your syllabus or a new planner. I think that feeling is called full-of-potential. Lovely.

Labor Day was quiet and rainy. Andy was busy, the kids got to play at Liz's all day, and I cleaned my crib in anticipation of giving it to my cousin for her baby. Three babies make a very dirty crib. NCIS marathon was on USA, so it was a pleasant chore. Gabe was a little peeved that we were giving away his old bed. I kept explaining that he wasn't a baby, and he kept explaining that he was, actually, planning on being a baby again in the future and might need that crib. I told him we'd talk about it once that happened, and that satisfied him.

Charlotte came home with a BINDER with DIVIDERS in it. Oh, how I love second grade! And since she is a categorizing fool, she also loves second grade.

My hair is falling out in wads and wads. I gotta do something about it. I really didn't have much to begin with, and it is just pitiful at this point. Plus, there is hair floating around everywhere which is aggravating.

Well, maybe I'll get out a swiffer and dust during commercials. Tiny steps are still progress, right?

Okay, I just felt a wave of affection for my kids

So I have to write it down. Man, I love those little guys!!! They are so sweet and thoughtful and funny. They give the best hugs and smooshy-lips kisses! I'm so lucky.

My car is clean!

Lucky for me Gabe left his car window open yesterday and nobody noticed. Andy had to drive it today, and apparently an animal got in there and peed so it stank to high heaven. So, he got it cleaned, and now it is so much more fun to drive. Why is that, exactly?

If you are into teen chick fiction, here's what I just read and loved:

You can borrow it if you like. It is the first of a trilogy and her first book, and I think there are movie plans as well. I really liked the heroine which is a big change from Twilight and The Hunger Games. Plus, she likes pink. I'm all over that. I love pink.

Gabe called me Aunt Jen in the car the other day. He realized his mistake immediately and acted embarrassed. It was so adorable. Which is funny because if you ask him what Andy's name is, he still says Uncle Da da. But he knows mine is Jennifer. Our daily routine is him either being weird and entertaining me or him shooing me out of the room so he can be alone. Which means unsupervised which is never good. But we ALWAYS watch Color Splash with David Bromstad at 2:30 before we get the kids from school. He totally sits there and pays attention and asks questions. Love it.

Welp, I'm ready for bed. I'm not sleepy so much as weary, if that makes any sense. I just kinda want to have today be over. Not that I have big plans for tomorrow, but I might be a little perkier. Charlotte is still up, so in the morning she will be a bear. Not looking forward to that. MAN, I'm totally rambling! Blogging feels unnatural these days, like I'm straining for something to talk about. I can hear Andy upstairs on Skype. If I hurry, I can have the bed all to myself for awhile.

Tuesday is here

I always feel a little let down on Tuesdays during the summer. It is because that is when my show, NCIS, airs, and we are in reruns. So my automatic response is, "Hurray! Tuesday!" quickly followed by, "Oh, yeah, reruns." I don't watch them.

Anyway, the girls are silently eating cereal at the table. Gabe is standing next to me drilling me with questions about caterpilars eating habits (???), and I am trying to force myself into a shower when the girls leave for school.

Update on yesterday: I started hanging the hooks, but they aren't cooperating with me. I told Andy he'd have to finish b/c I see big chunks of drywall coming down if I keep at it. I finally received the CD for my online class, so I checked out everything on it for my current lesson and turned in my first assignment. *drumroll*... I got a 100%! Woo hoo! It is reallly fun studying the New Testament all day. I have figured out that, except for college, I don't think I've ever actually completed an adult Sunday school course. I'm always in callings that keep me out of class, so there is a lot of info that is new to me. Plus, my daily scripture study is SO totally covered!

Well, I better go make school lunches. It's one of those jobs I just hate even though it takes only two minutes.

This is harder than I expected

Well, Laura, keeping up with this blog is not as easy as I thought it would be. I don't have anything to say, really. But, I promised, so you may proceed to be bored:

The crow is still hanging around, so I am tired a lot. I read "Mockingjay" WAY too fast, and now I find that my mind has drifted, and I am contemplated the world of Panem several times a day. I love books that create a new world that I totally buy into, like Harry Potter and The Hobbit. I'm ready to admit that I tend to enjoy fantasy books. Sci-fi, too, to a degree. Once we get into alien species and space travel, I tend to lose interest.

My niece Miriam (and her parents!) were here these past couple of weeks visiting. Boy, am I going to miss her. Everything about her is hilarious and adorable. She's very feisty and her voice is so girly! I taught her how to roll dice and scream, "Yahtzeeeeeeeee!!!!!" Too too cute!

Saturday our whole family went to Elgin to attend our cousin's going away party. He enters the Navy in 20 days, and it was lots of fun. The kids swam and played in the dirt - two favorite activities of kids world-wide. I got to visit with my aunts and uncles and cousins. Plus, I forgot my bathing suit, so I didn't have to get in the pool! Woo hoo!

I'm thinking about going into the laundry room and hanging the hooks I bought for the backpacks. We'll see. It isn't that it is hard, it is just that I have to locate the screws and wall anchors, and that always seems insurmountable.

Well, I better start studying my New Testament class while Gabe is engrossed in Dora. He is a picky child, and there aren't many cartoons on in the morning that he deems watchable.

It's Back

Explains why I went down for a nap at 5:30pm yesterday and woke up at 6:30am today.

Day One of School - Down!

Naturally, this post will be mostly about me.

My kids did, in fact, go back to school today. I discovered at about 10:30 last night that I had bought school supplies for a kindergartener and a 1st grader. I do have a 1st grader, but no kindergartener. I have a 2nd grader, however, that was now missing a chunk of supplies. And here I had been preening over buying them all super-early and not having to think about them again.

So that required a 6am trip to Randalls. They had all but one thing - red marking pencils. Who cares? I'll get them later. I also got lunch food since it occurred to me that they would be eating at some point today.

They couldn't have cared less when Andy and I dropped them off. They were already chatting and coloring the second we walked to their desks. Whatev, I love you too. Really, though, I'm so glad my kids are excited and eager for school.

Gabe was totally different than last year on his first day without his playmates. He hated interacting with me. So, I feel no guilt about all the tv he watched. We did take a walk to Randalls so he could get a free cookie from the bakery, that counts.

Back to me: I enrolled in an online New Testament course from BYU. Yep, back to school for me, too. No supplies required. I'm very excited.



After school, the pick-up line was REDONKULOUS! 30 minutes later, I got the kids in the care, and two minutes after that, Claire was having her first breakdown. She only has so much niceness to spread around, and school sucks it all up. She's just like me in that. She had to have a timeout during snack for screaming and bawling about something so insignificant I can't remember, but it was mighty loud up there. Wall-kicking, repeated door-slamming, and yelling yelling yelling. AND she left her lunchbox at school. So it begins...

Now I'm trying to force myself to make dinner. Oh, how I hate it! (PS - next Claire fit has just begun. Aye yi yi.)

First Lauraless Sunday

I missed you, girl! I wondered what church was like for you. Mine was in English. And you would have enjoyed me and Court each getting a bit snippy with the kids who were WAY talkative today. Jenae did a great job, but I wish you were here to orient her. Most of my answers are, "I don't know that."

I came home from girls' night on Friday to find that Claire was puking. Her stomach hurt all Saturday, too. She seems to be back to 100% - thank goodness since tomorrow is the first day of school! - but I made all the kids stay home from church just in case there is some lingering contagion.

I DREAD how Gabe is going to adjust to the girls going back to school. I hate sitting in the couch fort with him. It's crumby. Like, full of crumbs from the couch. At least the 'roid rage is gone and he doesn't talk like a toad anymore.

I bought myself some DARLING purple heels on Saturday when I was getting Charlotte's new tennis shoes, and on tax-free weekend and buy one get one half off, they were only $7.50! Gabe ran up to me when I walked in the door after church today and said, "Mommy, I want to see you wear these pretty shoes!" So he put one on me, Charlotte put on the other, and he said, "Cute!" I love that silly little boy.

Speaking of purple, I always claim to hate it so bad, but there are some exceptions. Like my darling new shoes and the sweater I own that matches. I like a good eggplant color. I repent for my years of trash-talking purple, Delana.

It looks like I'll be going to the zoo with my brother's family this week. His little girl has never been, and she adores animals. Gabe doesn't know how lucky he is. Now I just have to get my butt to IKEA to make it a true back-to-school reward for myself.

That should catch you up, Laura. I hope it is wonderful over there, I hope the food is great! Miss you!!!!

I'm grumpy, so this is a downer.

Man, I feel stressed out and so busy and behind at the same time. I just finished washing every article of clothing in the house and sorting it to determine what we need for school clothes. Jeans for Claire, that's it. They will look raggedy, faded and old, but I can't concern myself. Charlotte needs tennies, too.

Claire turned six in a weekend-long extraveganza. She started acting totally teenish the moment she woke up on her birthday. She kept saying, "Oh, I don't need help with this - I'm six now." We gave her days-of-the-week underpants. My sisters laugh at the cheap dorky presents we give our kids, but they are always a hit. On Monday, I said, "It's time for family home evening. It's Monday, right?" Claire said, "Oooo, wait!" Then she pulled down her shorts and consulted the front of her underwear. "Yep, it's Monday! Family Home Evening!" She declared. Oh, so great!

Gabe is suffering from 'roid rage, as Liz puts it. He's on steroids for this freaky swollen gland thing, and he is such a bear. Moody, angry, violent, HUNGRY. Argh. Please let's not deal with steroids when he is a teenager, please!! I can barely contain him. Today is supposed to be his last dose, but my friends told me their 'roid rage hung around a week after stopping, so everyone pray I let him survive.

We are going to the natural caverns near Austin today. I am so not on board. I have so much to do, and my brother is in town with his family, and I don't want to be stuck underground with my dang kids. I'm sure it'll be fun once we get there. I keep saying that over and over, and I really believe it's true, but we aren't there yet, so I am still not having fun.

Our air conditioner bit the dust last week. We had money set aside to redo the master bathroom. We had already started the demo. We tore out the tile in the shower/tub and the cementboard behind it. Alas, we will have to scale back to just part of the bathroom because we had to buy a whole new air conditioning unit. And my car is still smoking like a chimney, but I need it, so we haven't dropped it off at the shop. Argh. In a bartering system, what would I be giving away to get the stuff I want? Please say Gabe.

Well, I'm off to make an egg sandwich so at least I accomplish one good thing in the day - a no sugar breakfast.

ShoeDazzle - ShoeDazzle! Your Personal Shoe Stylist

ShoeDazzle - ShoeDazzle! Your Personal Shoe Stylist

Has anybody else heard of this? This sounds IDEAL to me, and yet, I don't buy clothes, so what would I do with all the glorious shoes? It's $40 a month, but you can opt out any month you like. Seriously, I am so tempted. I always find so many shoes that I love, that is never a problem. I just can't find clothes to go with. Mostly cuz I don't look. And when I look, I don't find. Either way, I'd make a good nudist with an awesome fashion foot forward.

Now I'm going to dream about the Hollywood lifestyle these shoes would give me while I clean the kitchen. Lemme go put on my lipstick...

Ungoing private

I can't do it!!!!!!!!! DO NOT ASK ME WHAT MY PROBLEM IS. I feel false going private. That is SO WEIRD! Is false the right word? Egotistical, a little. Listen, I can't explain it. I put this stuff out there for myself, but then I feel stupid making it private. The initial impulse was because I didn't want certain people on facebook looking into my life. Solved that by taking my webpage off of facebook. Genius, I know.

Anyway, now I feel like an idiot.

In other news, I have been reading up a good storm this week. I highly recommend everything I have read: "The Forgotten Garden," "Fever 1793," and "My Name is Asher Lev." It's almost noon and I'm not dressed, my teeth aren't brushed, and I haven't eaten. I have been eating sugar like a crazed lady for several days now. OH MY GOSH IT TASTES SO GOOD. But the effects are so bad. Boooooooooo. I'm such a weak person.

Well, that's it.

Going private....

It's about to happen, so email me or comment with your email if you want an invite. I will not be offended if you don't, by the way.

Gabe is so weird.

He informed Andy that he's got a twin brother named Max. I wonder if he is who is responsible for all the naughty Gabeness. Today in timeout he stuck his face up against the newel posts of the stairs and wailed, "I'm in jaaaaaaaaail! Help me, girls! Get me out of jail!"

I'm so tired, and I need to shower and go to church tonight. And I really want to fall and break my hip so I don't have to. I've got the crow, so I think about sugar constantly. I just want to cram my throat with chocolate and go into a sugar coma.

I read a totally stupid book yesterday by the lady who wrote, "The Time Traveler's Wife." I didn't want to see that movie in the first place, but now I think I'll avoid it forever. That book was so crappy. I checked out some classics from the library today, so I hope that I can redeem my literary standards.

I saw my high school English teacher at the library and HE REMEMBERED ME!! I felt slightly famous! It has been 16 years, after all. He is one of the best teachers I've ever had, and I loved that he knew me.

That's it.

The week is flying by

I can't believe it's Friday! This week zoomed past. I was just sure that by the end of the week, I'd be worn down from having fun with my friends, but no! I'm still gung-ho! Man, sane people have it good!

It had been getting really hard to stay off sugar for the last month or so. I cheated a ton, and I was discouraged in general. Then this week, I gained a perspective that has helped me get back into the groove. Here it is:

In March, I was having a discussion with my friend about being mentally ill. It was back when I had started the wonder-drug that would lead to facial tachycardia, but I didn't know it yet. Anyway, I was feeling great at the time, and he asked me, "Would you lose your primary limb to be mentally well?" Yes! Oh hell yes, I would! I'd go without my right arm in one second flat if I could be mentally well for the rest of my life, no question. As this discussion occurred to me this week, I was like, "Oh, but you won't give up sugar. You would LOSE AN ARM, but not a slice of cake? Uh, what in thuh?" If he had asked me in March if I would not eat sugar for the rest of my life to be mentally well, I would have said YES! And here it is, truly the case. I think I can handle sugar-free a bit more graciously now that I've thought about it like that.

I bought myself a new Nancy Drew game that I've been obsessed with since yesterday afternoon. The kids alternate between watching me like I'm a movie and leaving out of boredom since I get stuck a lot. I heard, "Call me if you figure this out, Mom; I'm going to play," many many times today. I've almost won it, I can just feel it! I would love to work on it now, but the kids would be so sad if I solved the mystery of the boiler handles while they are sleeping. Plus, I like how they sit next to me cheering, "Go Mom! Go Mom! Go Mom! Go Mom!" when I get stuck.

Ladies Week

I feel like a famous person this week because I am getting together with the girls 5 out of 7 nights! Woo hoo! And, as a testament to my mental health, I'm not freaking out about the number of social engagements!

Sunday and Tuesday were the only nights this week at home. My girls started crying when they overheard me telling Andy I'd be out so much. Poor babies - most of the time they'll be in bed already when I leave, but they like to maintain total emotional and physical control over their mom ;-)

I feel really great. However, I was backreading some parts of my blog yesterday, and I'm afraid that the majority of the humor of this blog will disappear with me being mentally well. Sad but true that bipolar creates mounds of comic material. Well, mostly in retrospect for me, I guess. Still, reading some of my posts when I was particularly struggling is so weird. I remember it, and yet it doesn't seem like my life was ever like that. It seems ages ago instead of only 3 months. I feel so lucky.

I told my kids they had to nap after lunch b/c they were being so fussy, but now they are playing so sweetly together that I don't want to bust it up. I think we'll go to the library first. Wait, no. I love the library without my kids. SO SAD, I know, but they are hard to keep together there, and I can't ever go the the grownup books without a lot of trouble. Plan B - I'll put some things on the library hold list, and when they come in, we'll go. Yeah.

HONESTLY - it's like I don't know what to say these days! Who am I when I'm not crazy?! What do I write about?! Usually it's me blaring on about not being able to handle regular life. Now, I'm handling it. And it is too boring to write about! Are my days of blogging coming to a close? It seems I really did use it as a coping mechanism. I certainly don't use it to keep people updated about my kids and family and such. Yikes. Welp, I guess we'll just all find out together. I'm out, y'all.

I love Legos!

I just played Legos for an hour on the floor of Gabe's room. Claire and Gabe played, too, which made it not dorky. However, Andy and I played Legos after the kids went to bed last night. He just bought them. We have only had Duplos up to this point, and he felt like their imagination was being stifled. Yes, he said that. Anyway, I agree because regular Legos are a million times better than Duplos, and I can make houses with doors and windows that have shutters. Besides that, Legoland, USA looks like so much fun. I'd choose that over Disneyland any day. But not Universal Studios now that the Wizarding World of Harry Potter is there. I've never been any of these places, incidentally.

I need to feed those kiddies, now, and I psyched myself up for enchiladas tonight, so I am preparing to feast. Oh, they will just have soup or something; no use wasting good food on them. THe Mexican is for me.

I'm sorta trying to get back into blogging. I remember this type of post - nothing to say.

Of COURSE!

"No, y'all don't touch the watermelon because if you drop it, it will break."
"Y'all, don't touch that watermelon, it'll fall and break."
"I said don't touch the watermelon, now put it back down."


Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Where I'm at

I feel like I'm kind of in a constant state of self-assessment. Since I'm unmedicated, I feel hyper-tuned to my feelings to make sure I'm still okay or maybe be aware of the first signs of depression or anything else. So, every feeling I have, I find myself saying, "Okay, anger. Is this within the realms of a normal, rational person? Am I overreacting? Is this okay?" The answer is usually yes, I'm okay. But I've also had some no-not-okay-but-still-normals. You know, like yes, I overreacted, but the way a regular person sometimes overreacts.

It's so strange for me to be here. I find myself still wondering if it is a "fluke," though I know it isn't. It's a blessing. I'm starting to think it is a miracle. I always thought a miracle would be more, you know, not miraculous, exactly, but more momentous, maybe? Like a KAPOW! moment. And that isn't what has happened. I have just sort of floated into a place of mental wellness and stability, almost unawares, and I am not quite adjusted to it. But believe me when I say that I appreciate, love, and accept it.

I want to write "for as long as it lasts," after that last sentence. I hesitate to accept this as a permanent situation, it seems. Do I believe that it is? I don't know. I believe that it can be. I want it to be. But I don't think I would be robbed or something if it isn't always like this - if I go back to mental illness life. I hesitate to say, "I'm healed," because, well, I don't know. I actually think I am. I really do. I think that, through God's amazing mercy, I am healed from mental illness. I can't believe I wrote that. I automatically want to write a bunch of disclaimers in case I'm wrong, but, why? Isn't that what I'm experiencing right now? Yes, it is. So I'll let it stand.

I never expected to be here. Ever. I always knew that it was possible in terms of the Lord, but I didn't think it would ever be for me. Wow. Since I can't type the kind of gratitude and humility I feel, let me say that God is Great! My King and my Father, and I love Him and praise Him. I thank Him. I recommit to living a Christlike life in gratitude for His mercy and healing. I didn't know this was going to turn into a testimony, but there you have it.

I like rain

But my kids are getting stir crazy since it has been raining forever. I just read all day. It is loverly.

I ate a crap-load of sugar over the weekend and found that I sleep like the dead and am groggy when I wake up. What a drug. I reform.

Ants in the cupboards. Terminix won't get here for almost another week. It may be free between quarterlies, but you pay in the long wait for an extra appointment.

June was so dang busy that I feel like I'm hiding out and skipping stuff since the calendar is so much emptier now. It's good, the way I feel like summer should be. Lazy.

I am anxiously awaiting the 3rd book in the Hunger Games series. Love them. Am haunted by them. I find myself holding internal dialogues about the books at random times of the day and night. I'm just so intrigued by the psychology - how fundamentally different childhood is with the knowledge that you may very well kill and/or be killed during your youth. If you are looking for a review, all I have to say is the heroine bugs me almost as much as Bella, but not quite, but I love the writing and the other characters. I don't often await the release of a book with such anticipation. It's fun and frustrating. I heard a rumor they are making a movie? I don't know how I feel about that. I just hate it when a great book is crippled by a lackluster movie.

The kids are waiting for lunch, and I just realized I haven't eaten yet today. Or gotten dressed. Just reading in bed like I live the high-life. Awesome.

Recap

The most interesting thing that has happened is that one of my kids mistook Clorox Wipes for baby wipes. Squeaky clean.

It is my 11th wedding anniversary today. Hurray! My kids are totally excited about it. Gabe is convinced he wasn't there when we got married because he was dead. He doesn't get the living in heaven before birth concept. We all went out for Chinese together. Claire informed us this made it our best anniversary ever. I'm sure it is for her - she usually gets left at home. Andy and I will go out together without the kids tomorrow. Anyway, I'll just take this opportunity to say that I love him, and I'm so excited and happy about our 11 years. I'm grateful for our home and our kids and our relationship. He's a great man. I love you, babe.

My kids are slowly coming out of the stage they were in during my last post. Where they fussed and fought about everything I said. There is no more counting to three around here. I say my piece, they say "Yes ma'am," or they sit on the stairs. Instead, they are picking at each other all day. Who can blame them? They have been trapped inside by the rain and are getting trunky. It's hard to discipline this sort of nit-picking at each other. Mostly they have to go sit on their bed until they get it together. Ugh.

They don't complain about their schoolwork, though, and swim lessons are finally over. Hurray! They swam in a total downpour on Thursday. The kids were all confused. All us grownups were giving them the thumbs up and shouting, "You're doing great! It's just a little rain, it won't hurt you!" from under the covered seating area.

I'm still unmedicated. I feel like I'm doing pretty good. I just feel regular. That's so amazing. Sure, the crow was snipey, but not unreasonably mean. I cook for the kids; I pick up around the house here and there. That is a functioning lady, my friends. It's kinda exciting.

I've lost 25 pounds, and I can wear a bunch of clothes that I haven't looked at in a while. It makes me feel pretty dang good. Of course, I've been eating crap since the crow arrived, but I don't let myself get all upset about it. It's a decision. It isn't permanent. I'm still a good person. Blah blah blah.

I need my kids to get in bed so that I can partially disassemble their blanket fort so I can watch tv. I told them they can leave it up tonight since they are almost done making it perfect, but it is spread across the entire living room, and I need entertainment.

That's it.

I haven't felt like it.

I just haven't felt like blogging. First, I was pretty darn depressed for a while. I mean, I went off those additional medications that were, in fact, helping the depression even as they were screwing up everything else. That has lifted. In fact, I'm not taking any meds at all. Flying without a net. Doing okay. It's crazier than being crazy.

Then the computer and Internet access were all jacked up. I just do not have patience for that crap. So, I got used to no computer time. I've been reading.

Summer has been going great, but today was about it. All three kids were crying when swim lessons were over. And I still took them to the library. When Claire stopped in the middle of the parking lot at the library, with a car coming, whining that her legs were "too weak" to keep walking, I felt a small something burst in my brain. That. Is. It. My kids are ridiculous. Ask Sarah, she was there for swimming lessons. Anyway, I get frustrated b/c my kids get so worked up over, let's face it, stupid stuff, and I do not want to get onto them for having feelings, even if I don't like them. But, like I said, something burst. I told my kids to suck it up. Actually, what I said was, "Y'all best get yourselves together now. No talking, take deep breaths, and stop all this fussing mess." I really don't want them to think it isn't okay to get upset. But, guess what, sometimes it ISN'T OKAY. Get over it. I don't care.

They are all in bed now. Claire came down to fuss just once. Oh, but it made me so mad b/c she was fussing w/o talking. THE WORST. Use words, peeps. All my kids do this. They whimper and point and are mute. Hell, no. TALK. There are going to be some new standards around here. If you have a problem, speak it. Or get out of my face. You have ONE chance to obey me, and then it is curtains. No more counting to three. ONE.

Other than that, I'm good.

Thank goodness my kids don't know what a gigilo is

Thanks to their COUSIN, all three of my kids are singing, "Gigilo." Don't know it? Utube. Look for the ones with kids dancing. But this is what I hear all morning:

The girls: "Hey Gabey!"
Gabe: "Hey what?!"
Girls: "Show me how you gigilooooooooo!"
Gabe: "Hands up high, feet down low, that's the way you gigilo!"
All three: "Gig-a-loooo! Gigig-a-looooo!"

Blogging as a journal

I blog mostly for me. I love the comments, and I love the dialogue we all have. I love that I have a medium to organize my thoughts and experiences for my future and my kids' future benefit. When I look back at the beginning of this blog, I see a lot of progress with my mental health. That really encourages me along.

That being said, this post will probably bore the readers. It's for me to record my journey.

I haven't cheated on my new plan of eating. No sugar at all. I have had white tortillas twice at Sonic with the chicken wrap. There is probably sugar in the chicken marinade, too. I'm alright with that. Candy, baked goods, the mother's day cheesecake, and coke have little or no appeal. It's really great. It's really the Lord boosting me along. What a blessing.

I am totally off Topomax - the weight loss/mood stabilizer. I can tell because I immediately stopped losing weight, even after adding exercise. Okay, it was two days of exercise in a week. I hate it so bad. I'll have to ease up to more days b/c I don't want to overwhelm myself and quit. I just hate hate hate it.

I got another pregnancy inquiry. Boooo. Considering it was a comment that referenced a couple of weeks ago from a socially inept person, I should let it go. But my feelings are really offended. This doesn't happen often, and I'm not handling it well. I'll just have to work through it, But I have a comeback ready if that lady hits me with it again. Not really a comeback, just a firm statement that it is impolite and hurtful to ask women those things, and I'll appreciate her not asking me again.

I can feel a dip in my mood stability since I got off the Invega and Topomax. It is time for me to rely on my faith in the Lord. It is a trial that I'm ready for this time. I feel so good about getting off that medicine that I am just depending on the Lord for the help I need. I can feel it getting a little dark. I'm singing hymns of faith in my head a lot so I don't forget who I need, and remember to rely on Him. It's peaceful even in the midst of what feels like an oncoming storm.

Mother's Day was great. It was stress-free and fun with my kids and husband. I got some cookbooks to help me come up with food I can eat. I tried one today. It was a stuffed yellow pepper filled with eggs scrambled with scallions, and some cheese melted on top. It was really good. If I can just keep planning ahead and stay on top of the shopping. Plus also, I got an iPod nano and I just keep carrying it around listening to the radio and my playlists. FUN!

I feel overwhelmed with the amount of stuff on my calendar. I'm not used to being that kind of busy person, and I keep forgetting stuff that is important. I am a little concerned about summer; I will need a lot of childcare if I want to get stuff done in the day. Maybe nights will be easier since I won't miss my kids as much. They are still adjusting to having mom and dad gone during the week. That's what I get for never leaving them. Well, rarely. I hope they appreciate that we had those opportunities in their youth.

I hope that I can handle things this summer with so much going on. I hope the kids are ready for their daily work so they don't lose everything they learned over the school year. And I hope that I have fun stuff for them to do that will get them out of the house. That's it.

What am I afraid of?

I have not blogged about this lest I jinx myself. But I don't believe in jinxes, and I am full of faith, so why am I not blogging it? I shall.

I had been taking this drug that I loved. Loved loved loved. It made me feel so normal and regular-personish. I felt happiness and joy and could remember them when they passed. Except mostly they just stayed around. I didn't have the crow. THAT was huge. And I could stamp out those obsessive funeral scenarios. Sure, I gained weight. Fast. Was it worth the trade-off? Well, it sure was when they gave me a counter-drug for the weight gain.

But I really wasn't comfortable with all the drugs. I'd been told several times that eventually I probably would be on more than one drug to manage the bipolar. Really, though, a drug just to stop weight from another drug? I was leery. Then I lost 5 pounds in a week. But it was the week I went off sugar, too. Cool. Then I lost 6 pounds the next week. Not so cool. Not normal.

Plus, I was having these rather disturbing neurological side effects from the wonder-drug. Like I was losing control of my mouth. Yeah. It was getting hard to talk. I was losing my typing skills. Stuff that was starting to scare me. So, immediate stop of that drug. And that means no more weight-loss drug.

I feel really good about this. I feel great about it. I have to accept that maybe I'll not lose the weight I have because it was gained from the drug I'm on. That doesn't mean I should give up my new healthy lifestyle. And I shouldn't just assume that the weight won't come off. I'm doing a great job. I haven't eaten any sugar in three weeks. I eat whole grains only. Lots of fruit and veggies and legumes and whatnot. A little lean meat. I started the exercise routine this week. I feel really good about this stuff.

So, if I don't lose weight, I don't lose weight. I know that I won't gain weight, and that makes me happy. I was gaining weight on wonder-drug almost as rapidly as I was losing weight on counter-wonder-drug. Not healthy, either. I think I'm where I'm supposed to be right now.

I have a calm, clear outlook. I'm really grateful for the help Heavenly Father is giving me to do this. In fact, I feel like He is carrying me along. I feel like it is easy - like I'm doing a little bit and getting really fantastic results. I have a really supportive group of friends and family. Andy is incredible about it. I'm learning that my choices aren't very limited, I just have to pay attention and plan ahead.

My kids have been getting a lot of cereal for dinner

One night, I made dinner for the kids. When I set it on the table, Claire began to cry. Yes, cry. Nobody touched it. And that was the straw that broke my back. This thankless job was over. Everyone opted out for cereal. Fine. If cereal is what you want, that's what you'll get. When Andy got home I went to the store and this was my cart:

From then on, I started cooking whatever I felt like eating for dinner. Kids don't like it? Have cereal. I don't feel like cooking? Have cereal. Tired of cereal? Eat what I'm having. Don't like it? Have cereal.

It appears cereal has lost a lot of appeal because they have liked what I've been cooking. But I still don't feel like cooking pretty often, so... you guessed it.

I went shopping, so it is easier

Having food totally helps when a girl is looking to eat healthy. I think that might be a scientific breakthrough.

I find that if something tastes really good, I think it is unhealthy. Yeah, I'll be hitting some corn tortillas with refried beans, salsa and broccoli slaw (310 calories), and I end up thinking, "Crap, I screwed up." Uh, what thuh? I loved it. It was filling and spicy and yummy. Why is that equal to bad for me? I do it every time. But especially for spicy food. I'm such a weirdo.

Since I'm tired of thinking about and talking about food, let's talk about cleaning. Some of you may know that I hate it, so I never do it. I'm talking never. Okay, technically never means not ever ever ever. What I mean is I go quite literally months. Which means my house is very messy. Andy cleans the kitchen. We take out the trash. I clean the toilets and do laundry. Ta da. The toys stay on the floor. The clothes stay on the floor. Yada yada yada. Anways, the point is when I do clean, I have to put a kerchief on my head, lipstick on my lips, and music on the radio. Yep. If you swing by, that's what you'll see. I have to harness my chi. Is that how you spell chi? Yes, yes it is. My life force. Which is in my lipstick.

Harder still

Yes, today was harder. Food is unappetizing, but I'm hungry, and we all know that the fast go-to foods are the bad ones. I still ate the good stuff, but I didn't like it as much. Nothing feels comforting. The closest I've come are the two chicken sandwiches I had for lunch. They were only halves. But the feeling was fleeting. I'm about to guacamole myself through a novel. I think there is some potential in that. Perhaps it is not helping that the novel centers on a catering service. The kids are in bed, I've got a book and an avocado. Sounds romantic.

Drum roll please....

It has been a week since I have eaten any refined sugar, enriched flour, white pasta, or potatoes. I'm not alone. I have a support group, and I love them.

So, please don't be offended if I pass on a Coke or candy bar. And, here's the shocker, I don't miss it. I've lost 5 pounds. THAT's helping since today was a bit harder than last week. Last week I found stuff to eat easily. Today, not so much. I couldn't figure out why until I wrote that last sentence, actually - I haven't been shopping.

And then there's the discovery of a walnut allergy. I was only eating a handful every day after experiencing debilatating seasonal allergies all month. Today I ate some and an immediate itching of the throat ensued. I asked Liz to Google cross allergies and walnuts. Hey, turns out tree allergies and walnuts are totally related. Ha! I knew it! I feel like the guy who discovers the telephone after Alexander Graham Bell. But WAY dumbed down. Plus, there are others. Like maybe the bananas and strawberries in my morning smoothies. We'll find out.

So, that's it. Be amazed, because I am.

Happy Birthday Lizzie!

Hey, Lizzie! Happy Birthday! I made this playlist just for you! It's songs that either you like or that remind me of you. Yeah, it's short, but I can't spend all day on playlist.com.

I love you. You are fantastic. I'll tell you why: You are the most service-oriented person I know. You are juggling service projects to add service projects. You serve your family willingly and happily. I know - I live eight houses away, and I walk in any old time I want, and what do I find? Love, food, good conversation, affection for my kids, encouragement, good advice, really funny stories, kids that have been raised by smart parents. You have always tried to help people who aren't necessarily in the "popular crowd," as they say. You are a true friend. You are prayerful about how to raise your children with Jared, how to perform your calling, everything! You are so amazing at working out!!! I can't believe it. No, I really can't. You are so dedicated. Just running around out there, and lifting weights. You have always done it. It totally shows. You have a very pretty figure - you shut up, because you do, especially legs - and you work hard.

Things I love about you: You make everything funnier. Yep. Sarah is funny. You make her stuff even funnier. You are the funny catalyst. If you put you and Sarah together, it is all funnier. One word - fudge. (I am currently enjoying this fantastic playlist. I wish I had put "Cheeseburger in Paradise" on here.) Okay, okay, next thing: you can joke about yourself endlessly. Really, if I came at you with "you looked like Chucky when you were a kid you double-booty lizard," you would laugh and make it funnier! Um, I hope. You really are a good decorator, I don't care what you say. As well as good at makeup. But even better than both of those, you can put together an outfit with accessories like a Hollywood stylist. And the whole thing will cost a buck seventy. Them's skills. You make me feel good about myself when I am crying and feel like crap. You loan me stuff all the time. You are an excellent baker. You make cake taste like cornbread (a very endearing thing for someone who is a perfect baker).

Favorite stories:
Throwing clothes down to you through the upstairs window because yours were muddy. You coming into the Cannon Center at BYU to visit me and we were all screamy and huggy and everyone stared in utter jealousy, I'm sure. Meeting you at the temple and driving with you back to Provo with little Faithy. Spending the night with you and her there. Eating lunch with you and Jared and Faith at that Italian restaurant when I was on my lunch break at work. Running out of gas. Getting each other 5 candy bars and a coke, just pick a time. Remember that time we worked together to get Gabe's carseat taken out with the trash? That's a fave. When Mamaw had to cut every little tooth off of that curling iron because your hair was stuck in it. You doing high-knee jogging-in-place waiting for me to catch up that one month I was running/shuffling with you. What was I thinking?

I love you. You are a really good sister and friend. Sometimes I think you are older than I am (NOT because you look older than me! You look younger than me!) because you are so much wiser than I am.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Breach of Etiquette

I mentioned that two people asked me if I'm pregnant recently. Then there's this:

Liz told me that my nephew Harris, who is NINE, folks, was standing with her while she was talking to a girl who is due to have a baby this week (or next week, I forgot). After Liz was done and the gal walked away, Harris whispered, "Mom, is she pregnant? I waited until she left because I didn't want to hurt her feelings."


ARE YOU PEOPLE HEARING ME?!!!!

Nobody taught him that. He just knows it. He knows that women don't want to be told they are fat in any circumstance. He is NINE. NINE NINE NINE.

And if anybody is tempted to ask me if I am pregnant, the answer is that I am not.

Letting the playlist run will enhance this post.

I started a new drug. Actually, more than one, but one that we'll talk about particularly. Here is the most amazing awesome thing:

I HAD NO CROW!

ZERO! ZIPADEEDOODAH!

That has NEVER happened! Literally! Since my very first period I have had killer pms. Killer. The reason they had to start calling it PMDD¹.

Now, that said, I have a couple of side effects. BUT THE DRUG IS SOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!!!!! One side effect, and not a deal-breaker at all, is gas. Oh yeah, people. Popcorn popping over here. I can't care. It is totally worth being a social pariah. I hate people anyway, so it works out.

The other side effect I've had before - eating eating eating. In this case, I can't tell when I'm full. I'm just always hungry and thinking about food. I've gained 5 pounds. My clothes I got in December are too tight. I've gone up a jean size (and they are too tight, too, but they were $25 and quite possibly cut small.) So, I stop eating either when the food starts coming back up or when I gauge the food mentally. "Normally, a four egg omelet fills people up, so I have to stop there." I've had TWO people ask me if I'm pregnant. Yep. No need to respond to this part; I'm on a happy pill. So, what to do??

Start a new drug, of course. I started yet another drug to counter the eating disorder from this drug. Plus it has the added benefit of making soda taste nasty, so that helps a healthy lifestyle.

Here's the thing. The thing about it is, I'm not pleased about being on a bunch of drugs. I don't like it. I feel like there's got to be a better way. But I've never felt better (or chubbier) than this. I don't want to screw that up. Well, I'd be happy to screw up chubbier, but you know what I mean. Lifestyle changes, whatev. Plus, seasonal allergy pill. BOOOOOOOOOO. I just feel a little weird about it. I'm exploring my options. Well, option. Which actually is a healthier lifestyle. Diet has a huge impact on depression; so everybody will the willpower into me to make the drastic changes required. Starting tomorrow. Kidding! Starting next week. Really. I can't start this week b/c I'm not done reading the book.


Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Dysphoria is defined as "An emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease." Basically the opposite of euphoria. As opposed to the traditional Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. Syndrome is defined as "A complex of symptoms indicating the existence of an undesirable condition or quality." Totally hand-picked the definition out of a list, but at least it was on the list.

Edward Munch's "The Scream"

Okay, so it all starts with taking a shower on my dorm floor. I had already had a very harrowing experience watching "Psycho" earlier that year, so I had heart palpitations every time I closed my eyes to rinse out my hair. Well, I survived the shower, and reached out for my HEY! Where's my towel? Geez Louise, I probably forgot it. No, no, I didn't. Did I? Crap, I think I did.

What to do, what to do...

Looky here at this highly convenient if slightly transparent public shower curtain! I'll just rip this sucker down and dash to my room. I get to the bathroom door, all prepared for dashing, and..

Almost every blasted girl on my floor was standing around the bathroom door with their cameras! Flash bulbs a-poppin'! Much screaming (I think it was all me, though). And no escape. I was surrounded.

That's all fine and dandy, those sweet little stinkers. (Oh, I was an RA, so these were the freshmen that lived in my hall.) UNTIL, I walk onto the floor one day to see one of those flyers that are pictured below right on the wall. And another... and another. Sweet fancy Moses (as our chorister would say)! Perhaps you can't read the writing on the picture, so I'll do it for you:

" Title: Aahhh! Who stole my towel! The Tragedy of Jennifer Grover"

I love those girls.

Incidentally, that picture made it into the ward memory video that the bishop made. You know, I'm starting to think they didn't have much respect for me...

#31, 32, and 33 (finally, sheesh!)

Happy First Birthday, Jennifer!

Happy Smurfday!
Nobody puts Gargamel in a corner (or closet)!

Happy RAing at BYU!!

I am out of time right now, so I'll have to explain this later. Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel (not really, but that is the best phrase ever.)

Surprising

I was searching for a microsoft word template for a meeting agenda, and I was totally surprised that there are LDS meeting templates online! Isn't that funny?

Check yes or no, or add a maybe box.

Okay, so y'all remember a couple posts back when I was saying how I horrorize my kids' and husband's deaths, funerals, and burials? I got a lot of me-too's on the death, and a lot of um-crazy's on the detailed drama of the funerals. I mentioned this in the course of my shrink appt., and, as it turns out, that is something of a warning bell. Who knew? I mean, besides you folks.

Since I've had that sort of thinking my whole life, sometimes it is hard to see when it crosses over to crazy. But the idea that this new med can squash those thoughts is a happy surprise, so we are giving it a shot.

Just so's ya know, I feel like I look crazier on paper than in real life. Meaning, when I was filling out the standard mood checklist I get everytime I go to the psychiatrist, I kept making sidenotes by the checkboxes b/c I thought it all looked a little extreme. Example: "Do you often have thoughts of suicide or death?" "X = yes" "BUT, not my own, so, it's not that big a deal." I was trying to look less severe, but I think it upped the crazy a little. He he he. That's pretty comical. I think the Rate 1-5 lists are easier, but even then I'm throwing out decimals. "Have you experienced unusual increase or decrease in appetite?" "Increase - 3.5. But I was PMSing." Why can't I just leave it alone? I just need to add an "-ish" box next to all the answers. OH, and I always think it's funny when they ask about sex drive, which they always term "libido," which makes me think "lambada," which makes me not take it seriously. Which doesn't help that my instinct is to check the "Mind your own" box. Except I'm pretty sure that it is in the realm of the shrink's own. Business, not libido.

Plus, also, and, I am giving contacts a shot. Yep, I'm blind, but not really so much as I thought. Slightly near-sighted with some astygmatism crap that makes letters look like numbers and whatnot.

And I had bloodwork done today so we'll see what results from that. Now I just have to get my hearing tested next week and I can be over this healthy doctor crapola.

Incidentally, I shower damn near daily now. Do not ask me what is up. We all know that anti-hygiene is my depression friend. Mania, prob. Also, I am cleaner in the summer for the obvious reasons of sweat and shaving.

Dem's Fightin' Words

Okay, today, that's most words. I feel like picking a fight. I feel like someone needs to cross the line so I can enjoy putting them back in place. Signs of mania, perhaps. I really am calling Shrinky-Dink tomorrow. For reals this time.

It's Spring Break. Y'all know how I love it when my kids are out of school. Partly it's selfish; I don't have to get up and get them ready or be home at three o'clock. And, as much as I love homework time, I also love no-homework days. I have big plans for this week. We are gonna institute some chores around here. I seriously hope this isn't a pipe dream - the mania pipe, that is. [Aside: I'm pretty sure drug references are inappropriate. My language has cleaned up a bit, so maybe I can move on to cutting out the pipe-smoking and the you must be high comments and the crack pipe sayings. Actually, I think it would behoove me to speak more literally. I'll see. I'm busy right now with chore-planning and hygiene. Yep, hygiene. I'm giving it another shot. Wow, what a long, rambling aside. Another sign of mania.]

Okay, let's just list the manic signs right now:

1. Elevated mood
2. Euphoria
3. Hyperactivity
4. Excitement
5. Overconfidence
6. Grandiosity
7. Extravagance
8. Spending sprees
9. Recklessness
10. Delusions of grandeur
11. Talking a lot
12. Rapid speech
13. Rapid movements
14. Reduced need for sleep
15. Increased appetite
16. Excessive exercising
17. Increased libido
18. Increased use of alcohol
19. Distractedness
20. Aggression
21. Excessive laughter
22. Anger

This is according to http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/. It was just the first website that google search picked up. I'm not picky.

Here's me:

1. yep, but unstable

2 - 7. Nah

8. yep (for me. It's not like I'm buying yachts. New flip flops; too much easter basket filling.)

9 - 10. nah, at least I don't think so. Unless wanting to knock people down a few notches is caused by me feeling superior.

11 - 15. yep

16. Um, no, but I suddenly have the urge to exercise. I'm counting it.

17. Nunya

18. Substitute caffeine, but I can't tell if it is mania-induced or just addiction.

19 - 20. yep

21. No. I don't really laugh much, in my opinion. Certainly not more than usual. Probably less due to #20.

22. You got it, baby. Back up out my grill, peeps. (Thus the title of the post.) If you were in Primary today, which most of you weren't, you'd have seen this in action. Don't worry, I was within the limits of appropriate behavior for the situation. I started out with my mouth right up on the microphone and a firm, quite audible, "Ladies and gentlemen." If there is punctuation that is somewhere between a period and an exclamation point, I end that sentence with it, because I was pretty firm. Then some statements about respect and reverence that amounted to shut the hell up. I liked it.

Oh, I'll add to the list of symptoms disjointed thinking and creative thinking. One good, one bad. Although, I have disjointed thinking constantly. But the pipe dream, uh, I mean hopes for lots of new plans, are the creative thinking.

That's why I'm for reals calling the ol' Shrinky-Dink. Oh, and also to tell her that I upped my meds on my own, but that ain't a big thang since she said that was a viable recourse and what the amount would be. But it might be a fight. Yay!

Also, I recognize that I still owe posts 31-33 for my birthday. Postponed for now.

Gratitude

I want to state my testimony of the great plan of happiness and salvation that God has prepared for all of us, His children. He wants us back. He gave us Christ so He can have us back, if we are willing to do our small part. And then, it doesn't end. Life doesn't end. What a merciful God to give us forever.

I mourn and grieve for the family of my friend who has passed away. That woman, there aren't many of her kind, and I will miss her. But knowing that she is working and thriving and loving on the other side of the veil makes me feel, strangely, joyful. She is unfettered by an ailing body, by hunger, or fatigue. And that lady is a mover and a shaker. She must have things rolling like crazy up there.

I'm grateful for the opportunity I have to mourn with those I love. I think empathy, compassion, and friendship are priceless gifts from our Lord. I love being part of a church family that encircles each other when we need strength. Thank you, my friends, for that.

It is a great strength to me to know that Jesus has felt and suffered each pain, heartache, illness, fear, and sin that myself and each of us has ever suffered. I feel confidence that when I pray for His comfort to fall upon someone suffering thus, that it will come and fill up every corner of ache with His love, because He knows it so well, and He knows us so well. I love that. When I am a broken down person who can't even frame words to pray, I know that He knows the feelings and He knows how to care for me. This has been my strongest prayer for my friends now, that His peace will visit them in their anguish. Man, I love them so much.

That's it. God lives, and He is great. I love Him and rededicate myself now to following Him more closely and exactly. Amen.

#30

Okay, I loved Hungry Hungry Hippos. I remember getting it at least twice as a gift. My favorite way to play was two people each playing two hippos at once. Very challenging.

The game is surprisingly versatile. When not in use as a boardgame, the marbles doubled as gumballs when we played "Teenager." Another favorite game. My name was always Jessica, I was 15, I had my own apartment and went to college, and my boyfriend was a blonde named Rick. And I swallowed dozens of those gumballs, er, marbles.