Minor Breakdown

So, Claire smacked the back of her head on the edge of the coffee table yesterday morning. I lost it. This has happened to my kids COUNTLESS times because they are jumping on the furniture or running in the house. I'm angry! JUST OBEY and you won't get hurt all the time!!! So, as I am holding and rocking her, I slam my hand down on the coffee table and shout through tears, "STOP! jumping on the furniture!" Charlotte sorta walked out of the room. Claire kept on with the crying until she BIT MY SHOULDER. I thumped her back so she would let go, and then I sent them upstairs.

I couldn't stop sobbing. I promptly dragged the coffee table out of the room and dumped it out the back door. I pulled almost everything out of the laundry room¹ and threw it out as well. I saw broken glass and rusty nails all over the driveway. I sobbed as I swept up all in plain sight. I sobbed on the phone to Andy (he was out of town from Sunday morning to Saturday night) about cleaning up the outside and getting rid of all the construction mess. I sobbed b/c I am sick and tired of my house being hazardous to my children's well-being. And, mostly, I sobbed b/c they keep disobeying and getting hurt. Claire burned her finger on a hot pan after I told her to stay out of the kitchen (I tell them this daily) when I'm cooking; Gabe got a fat lip today sliding on some toy on the floor. Not his first.

Bloody noses, fat lips, bitten tongues, goose eggs on heads. I actually do not want to kiss any more owies. They make me angry. I have actually said, "NO MORE OWIES TODAY." They disobey and they are perpetually tired and refuse napping and refuse to sleep when they are put to bed and refuse to sleep to a decent hour in the morning. I actually felt like calling someone yesterday and saying, "Please come get my kids; I can't keep them safe." Do you know what that feels like, as a mom? It is indescribably horrible and damaging and guilt-laden. I can't empty my house completely, I can't keep them indoors perpetually, I can't ground them for getting hurt.

I am pondering and praying over a new disciplinary institution in the home. They have outgrown timeouts. They need more than a good talking-to. I'm a little better today. Only a little. Andy is home, so I stayed in my room alone for the majority of the non-church hours.

¹Don't ask me why the laundry room. It has been bothering me a lot, and it is right at the back door, and I didn't want to start throwing more living room furniture out. Like the chairs they jump on and the end table they play under and bonk their heads on, and the piano bench they fall off of, and the rug they trip on, and the couch cushions they almost smother each other with. To name a few.