My stress levels are through the roof. I'm not good at this. Life, I mean. I totally suck. I'm surprised my life visa hasn't been revoked. I'm low, low, low on the emotional totem pole.
Church today started helping. I say started b/c as soon as I got back home, I began to lose the perspective I had gained. There was a heavy dose of coping with trials in all the lessons and testimonies offered at church. Rather, peace that comes amidst trials. And I thought, "Okay, here we go. We can do this Jen. We can keep an eternal viewpoint. We can appreciate that these are small trials for only small moments."
But then, well, I am with me again. Real me. Weak, exhausted, scared me. I don't know who that "we" was talking to me in the last paragraph, but she jumped ship somewhere in the 8 minute drive home.
What the crap am I doing wrong? Oh, I know - I'm sucking at meaningful scriptures and prayer. I'm being a less-than-present mother. I'm being (perhaps) not as well medicated as I thought.
On that subject - perhaps I was better medicated before. Sometimes, medications only work for a while. And then, who knows, they stop being effective. Then, the rigmarole of finding the right cocktail. And thinking, "I know the right cocktail! Rum and Coke!" Not that I've had rum and Coke, but it sure sounds like a humdinger of a combo.
I'm sad about things, and I'm stressed about things. I'm sad my friend moved away. LOSER! I'm stressed that I have obligations to fulfill in a limited time frame. I'm scared that I'm not capable of fulfilling those obligations. I mean, I can't even keep a thought in my head! Have you tried talking to me lately? I can't remember my kids' names. I'm being dead serious. I have a 10 second pause where I'm trying to remember the name of whichever child I'm trying to speak to. My memory is shot. I feel out of control.
Hey, this sounds like mania.
My prescription is up this month, which means back to the Shrinky Dink. She better fix this nonsense.
Oh, and then there's the ever-present ... ...crap! what is the word!!! ... ... s&^%&. The ever-present insert the word that I can't think of of wondering how much is really mental illness and how much is learned behavior and how much is laziness and weakness and, well, whatever else.
DAGGUM! I can't think of that stupid word and I feel like crap! THIS is what I'm talking about, people. This exact thing! I used to have a great vocabulary! Now I can't remember
CONUNDRUM!!! The ever-lovin'-present conundrum.
I hate this.
13 comments:
I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I don't really have much experience with the whole medicated side of things, but I do know that I always feel like crap when I'm not praying and reading my scriptures. I really hope things start getting better for you. Love you!
This is what sisters are for! I'm here if you need me!
I do the same thing with church. I go and feel great and get "spiritually high", then the same thing as you, the high is gone in the drive home! And I seem to get more grumpy then too because I am angry that the high is gone!
I'm sorry you have all the negatives piling up on you right now! I'll be praying for help for you in whatever form you may need it! Love you!!
Does your shrinky-dink read your blog? You could skip appointments that way and she could send your prescriptions as a comment.
this makes me so sad!
I have to say though... I'm always stressed about making commitments and fulfilling obligations. Stressed to the point where I almost always refused to commit to anything... cause what happens if at the last minute I can't do it -- or don't want to? So if that's mental illness save a place for me in the loony bin.
And ick on the rum and coke. Rum tastes nasty. If you have to drink, use vodka... it won't ruin the taste of a perfectly good Coke!
I have to say that I love love love you and I am here for ya'!
August is indeed a very busy month. I am also trying to figure out how to get my life in order. Everything will be okay. You've done hard things before and you'll cross everything off your list. I love you.
You can do it girl. I hate august personally. So stressful and so much to do, and I am so anxious for the kids to go back but so don't want to do all the prep that's involved. I love you and am so sorry. I will pray.
Because August happens to be my favorite month of the year (probably it's my b-day month) and I am in such a good place following my month away.... I would love to share some of my extra energy and sane-ness (is that a real word) with you. How can I help to lift you? May I come to your home? Can we talk on the phone? Interested in a daily spiritual meditation (yes, meditation not medication) challenge?? Let me know. I will be calling. XOXO
P.S. I love shopping for school supplies (for reals) and I know where to find the lists for your kids' grades. Can I go school supply shopping for you or with you?
Love you Jen
Sorry you're conundrumous, babe. But let's get one thing clear: things may suck. But *you* don't suck. You are the best, best, best. Just ask and we will tell you. -Jess
You're amazing...how capable and effective in life you are even in your trials. I would have never pegged you for these feelings. That says something, I think.
You're fooling more people than you realize (as far as how you're feeling anyway) with the way that you reach out. You function better and give more than you probably know, which I could see by the way you made me feel so much better this week. I'm sure it's the same for your kids whom you love the most. And by the way, I'm all over that same exact page of mind-scrambling confusion. It's a constant battle.
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