I feel like I'm kind of in a constant state of self-assessment. Since I'm unmedicated, I feel hyper-tuned to my feelings to make sure I'm still okay or maybe be aware of the first signs of depression or anything else. So, every feeling I have, I find myself saying, "Okay, anger. Is this within the realms of a normal, rational person? Am I overreacting? Is this okay?" The answer is usually yes, I'm okay. But I've also had some no-not-okay-but-still-normals. You know, like yes, I overreacted, but the way a regular person sometimes overreacts.
It's so strange for me to be here. I find myself still wondering if it is a "fluke," though I know it isn't. It's a blessing. I'm starting to think it is a miracle. I always thought a miracle would be more, you know, not miraculous, exactly, but more momentous, maybe? Like a KAPOW! moment. And that isn't what has happened. I have just sort of floated into a place of mental wellness and stability, almost unawares, and I am not quite adjusted to it. But believe me when I say that I appreciate, love, and accept it.
I want to write "for as long as it lasts," after that last sentence. I hesitate to accept this as a permanent situation, it seems. Do I believe that it is? I don't know. I believe that it can be. I want it to be. But I don't think I would be robbed or something if it isn't always like this - if I go back to mental illness life. I hesitate to say, "I'm healed," because, well, I don't know. I actually think I am. I really do. I think that, through God's amazing mercy, I am healed from mental illness. I can't believe I wrote that. I automatically want to write a bunch of disclaimers in case I'm wrong, but, why? Isn't that what I'm experiencing right now? Yes, it is. So I'll let it stand.
I never expected to be here. Ever. I always knew that it was possible in terms of the Lord, but I didn't think it would ever be for me. Wow. Since I can't type the kind of gratitude and humility I feel, let me say that God is Great! My King and my Father, and I love Him and praise Him. I thank Him. I recommit to living a Christlike life in gratitude for His mercy and healing. I didn't know this was going to turn into a testimony, but there you have it.
7 comments:
I felt the spirit as I read this. Its so hard to accept the miracles in our life. I hope it is permanent for you. You are doing wonderfully. You are working hard. You are taking nothing for granted. Go you.
You look wonderful and happy lately! I'm so happy for you.
This makes me so happy. Love you girl!!
:)
It is a miracle but no more the miracle and blessing of mental illness. Whether it stays or goes is fine so long and you can feel the love and support of God. I'm honored to witness your witness after your trial of faith. You have been an excellent example to me and the family and I'm very proud to call you mine. I have watched you tackle this with day to day persistence, or what I call true faith, and it has been inspiring. Love you babe.
Esposo
such excellent news, jen. you are working hard, exercising your faith, and reaping the benefits of drawing down the powers of heaven. so glad to call you my friend.
Seriously wonderful. And Andy, you make me want to cry.
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