This is what sucks about bipolar disorder:
I was feeling so GREAT this morning! I was functioning well despite waking up 15 minutes before Charlotte's preschool began. I still dressed myself (no yoga, scriptures, teeth brushing (again)), got her dressed in clean clothes, found her pack and made a lunch and got her there. Then I came home, made a coffee cake for my sister Liz's birthday, and held it AND Gabe while walking us and Claire down to her house to give it to her. It was really fun! We sang and chatted and picked at each other's skin -one of our fave pasttimes. Gross, I know. Who cares.
At noon, we were going to lunch at Lupe's Tortillas for her birthday with Mom, Sarah and her new baby Mary Alice, Andy, and Mary. It was elevenish. Liz was getting ready and baking her own birthday cake. She found out she had to go pick up Mom, so I came down to get the cake out of the oven and glaze it, then dropped my kids off at Sarah's house. Her wonderful husband Angelo offered to watch them for me. Then I got to the restaurant. Still in a great mood. Not caring that I'm wearing too-tight jeans, a ratty baseball tee, and a camo trucker's cap with a lumberyard logo. And flip flops. Carrying a diaper bag and no baby. Totally happy and proud of myself for getting to serve my sister, which I just love and makes me feel so good about myself, and getting so much accomplished by noon, ESPECIALLY on a day I was up late.
Seriously! This, in my life, is something to brag about and be celebrated! I honestly have never lived like this, and it amazes me that other people live like this all the time! I think they're kinda freaky. Then I remember I'M the freaky one, and they are just not ill. Or, at least, they have a different mental illness. Because, I swear, a kajillion people have some sort of mental illness and just don't know it.
AND THEN...
I don't know. I just started feeling horrible about myself. You know that sinking, hollow feeling right in your chest that you feel when, say, you realize you've really screwed up or hurt someone's feelings or forgotton something super-important. Anybody? Can I get a shout out? I was so sick of myself. I felt paranoid that I said all the wrong things and was totally an idiot at lunch. I mean, with my own family. I was the last one to pick up Charlotte from preschool (as usual), and I felt like those teachers were just rolling their eyes like, "This lady is a mess!" I am sitting here right now considering deleting this entire post because I feel like a fool. I won't because that would obviously miss the entire point of the thing. Hello, Jennifer! See blog title!
So, there you have it. Nothing went wrong; nothing changed. That's a big heads up that it is illness. I'll try listing the things that should cheer me up in the hopes that it will, you know, cheer me up.
My show "NCIS" comes on tonight and it is a NEW episode. Don't let me down, Gibbs!
I'm still functioning in my life although I'm an emotional wreck. That is a 50% improvement from where I came from - not functioning and an emotional wreck.
I received Charlotte's preschool graduation picture which is ADORABLE and hilarious! She is wearing a little white cap and gown. What's up with that?
There are CLEAN dishes in the dishwasher and CLEAN laundry in the dryer. This is part of the highly functioning part I mentioned.
The kids are all napping, so I can relax until my nephew gets here at 3:30ish.
1 comment:
I hate that feeling! That happened yesterday, remember when we talked about that. After you left I tried everything to make myself up again, but I just couldn't. I expired around 7 so I just went to bed early in the hopes that I would wake up in a better mood. It worked! I hope you woke up in a better mood too.
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