This is for Carrie!!

Alright, Carrie, here it is. The blog. May you not die of boredom. Since the overarching influence of my viewpoint is driven by mental illness, that will be the crux of the blog. If you get sick of it, let me know.

Today is a good day to start blogging b/c I'm sorta up. Ok, untrue. I have let go of everything so I am not irritated by it. My girls are on their 4th popsicles before lunch and have only watched tv today. The house, I can't even describe it. It stinks, that's for sure. The garbage is spilling over, the counters are covered with dirty nasty dishes, the floor is covered in toys, clothes, blankets and pillows, and I had 6 Hershey's miniatures for breakfast. But I'm not angry and frustrated trying to alter any of that. I think one day won't hurt any of us.

Yesterday I was super irritable and weepy. It was one of those Sundays when I was thinking, "What in the world are we going to church for? I am so exasperated with my kids and angry at myself by the time we leave that I can't feel any Spirit!" Andy had to leave early for a talk. I had actually a) showered, b) dressed, c) fixed my hair AND makeup, and d) found matching shoes. Apparently the supreme effort that took (although it felt easy while I was doing it) sapped me from being able to cope with the rest of the household. I was fighting tears on my way to church b/c we were late, and Andy was giving a talk on partaking of the sacrament. Man, if I miss the sacrament on the day my husband speaks on the power of taking the sacrament, I will LOSE IT. I was really upset with myself.

During the sacrament (yes, we made it!), I was unable to hold back the tears. Not the kind when just a couple slide down your cheeks. The kind where your face screws up and your chin wobbles and they are dripping off your chin and you are trying not to make noise. I was trying to pray, but I couldn't even make words.

So, here's the thing. I am on a mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder called Lamictal. I just upped my dose from 150 to 200 mgs. So, these harsh emotions are causing me concern that it isn't working! On the other hand, I am sitting alone with a 5 year old, and 3 year old, and a sixteen month old, which, anyone who knows can tell you, is challenging, and I'm not getting upset at them. I'm coping just fine with Claire spilling the puffs 3 times. I have no problem containing Gabe on my lap who only wants to get down and is doing his very best in that endeavor. I have these FUNCTIONING abilities which are totally new to me, but the emotions are kinda wacky.

The rest of the day was the kind where you really can't answer another question from your kids; instead of cuddling it feels like being accosted; I don't want to talk aloud AT ALL to my family. I just want to be left alone in front of my DVD eating chocolate and drinking Sprite. Yes, as I have mentioned to some of you, I'm carbonated caffeine-free.

But I woke up feeling fine. Better than fine. I prayed, read my scriptures, made my bed, did my yoga routine, dressed to the shoes, did NOT brush my teeth, but that isn't new, and was excited to see my kids. It's a bumpy road, I guess.

So, we'll see how this goes. Blogging, I mean. I'm at a loss for what to talk about. My kids are on their 5th popsicles. Oh, I feel that I must mention, for the sake of my own parenting, these are MINI popsicles. So there.