Right up there - "Onward and Upward (Sometimes Downward)". Yeah, that's the one. Well, strangely, I'm not in either place. Perhaps I should change it to "Onward and Upward (Sometimes Downward and Periodically Stationary). Because I am currently in a holding pattern. Not up or down. Not happy or sad. Just treading water, feeling not much of anything, and not wanting to change anything or make any waves.
I'm not really in this place that much. And it's been a long while since I was last here. I can't say it bothers me (see above where I said I'm not feeling much), but I do feel like perhaps it isn't the right way to be. That I ought to be wanting a change and doing something about that. I mean, shouldn't I want feelings? Shouldn't I want to progress and feel close to the Lord and try to pray and read scriptures and all that stuff? Well, I don't. Furthermore, I really DO NOT want to feel those things. I'm almost actively digging in and resisting change. I can't really figure out why. Of course, I don't spend a lot of time or energy trying to figure out why.
That being said, Christmas was just fine. Nice, lots of family, happy kids, friendly feelings, thoughtful gifts. I am about to go lie on the couch and not watch whatever Andy is putting on TV (we have very different viewing preferences, and I usually get my way, so why not?)
7 comments:
With all the resisting of change, you changed your blog background?? Interesting! That sounds like a very interesting place to be. I can't say that I'd want to be there, but I imagine it would be better than sullen and depressed...? Maybe? Glad your Christmas was nice!
You know, I just cried to Michael earlier because I feel almost the exact same way. I don't feel like I am progressing in life, my career, the gospel. And I feel very inadequate. I know Im not and I could change things, but I don't know how. :( I'm sorry things are in the middle. Things will get better, I promise. Just eat some more fudge ;)
I love you SO much and love reading your blogs, just thought you should know.
I remember walking home from class when I was in college. It was pouring rain... but I walked home because it was a cold rain and I wanted to FEEL something... otherwise I was just numb.
Then I realized that wanting to feel something is a feeling... so I didn't feel like such a freak anymore.
Glad you had a fun Christmas!
Are you still doing yoga? I need to restart.
I think everyone goes through that at some point. I felt like that sadly after I got married. I wasnt sure what was next, what to do with myself. I also wasnt in school and it wasnt my fault so i just sat at my small apartment scrapbooking. not caring either way what was going on in life. i think its sometimes harder to stay at a standstill. you'll come out of it..do something fun for new years!
I totally understand. I think I feel that way when I am really depressed. After I've done all my crying I just sort of accept it and then I feel numb for a while and I just stop caring. Caring just takes too much energy sometimes. I sew or make jewelry and then I usually feel better. I don't know how to cope with life without some kind of creative outlet.
I can't wait to see you too. We are leaving monday morning. Hooray Hooray!!
You are in the robot phase. Enjoy it. It's better than sad, mad or depressed. The only thing you can count on, is that it WILL change. That's the beauty and the curse of mental illness. Oh yeah, and I agree, eat some fudge.
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