What I learned about myself.

I went up to my aunt and uncle's house this weekend for a fantastic family get-together. The first night up, Andy was camping, so I was on my own with the kids. We slept in a camper. When I realized that I was in charge of getting Gabe to sleep in a foreign place which we were all to share, I freaked out. That is Andy's job! He's always done it. I don't know how to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it! I would have gone right home if we hadn't been in Elgin (close to Austin).

My mom got the girls watching a movie inside whilst (I said "whilst!") I went to the camper to put Gabe down. We laid there with the bare essentials: big puppy, monkey, and sippy cup. It wasn't so bad. Yet. I just kept laying beside him and telling him to lay back down when he popped up. Fortunately, he was worn out that day, so he zonked. Me too.

Later, my mom brought the girls in. Three kids sleeping in a small space. Wait!! Let me state right this second that I loved sleeping in that camper! It was so great! This experience with my kids would have been going on in any place on earth that isn't my home. So getting to do it in the camper was pleasant for me. Okay, back to the story.

There I was, minding my own business, with a butt on both sides of my face, when Gabe woke up. 12:30 am. Crying that middle-of-the-night cry. I realized the he does this at home, but at home I leave him up there, and Andy refills the sippy cup. See why I felt completely unequal to the task of sleeping out with the kids and no Andy? Ok, so I am trying in vain to keep his cry from waking up the girls. Successful. That was a surprise itself. I moved Claire to a separate bed (Charlotte was already in the loft). Then out Gabe and I went to the house for diapers. And then out again to refill the sippy cup. I was then trying the routine that had worked so smoothly four hours before. Uhn uh. Not cutting it. I was getting desperate.

Finally, I sat up cross-legged and held him in my arms like a baby. Restrained is more accurate. Oh, the wailing! (I realize that this story is not getting to the point (see title) very quickly. Sorry.) Okay, so blah blah blah - THEN: He stopped struggling as I rocked him. I was whispering songs in his ear. He was caressing my face and hands as he tilted up his face for me to kiss. He held my cheeks up to his eyes to give me butterfly kisses. I eventually stopped singing as I closed my own eyes. I heard him whispering to himself in the dark, "Jesus wa me a uhbeep, a uhbeep, a uhbeep." My heart melted. He was singing a Primary song to himself. Translation: "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, a sunbeam, a sunbeam." And then he fell asleep with me holding him. He was all snuggled up against my chest, and we just stayed that way all night.

That's when I realized - I didn't expect him to want me or be comforted by me. I didn't think I could give him anything or that he wanted anything that I could provide. I felt like, all of a sudden, I didn't know him. Like I had been babysitting someone else's child for two years. Why would I feel this way? He goes to his Dad, mostly. He's not really needy most of the time. I guess that feeding and changing and playing with and disciplining felt like all I was good for in his eyes. It isn't that I don't love him completely, of course I do. So much. And I didn't ever doubt that he loved me. We do lots of hugging and kissing and snuggling. Just, I don't know, really. I was surprised by his reaction to me. I was surprised that I didn't know what would comfort him. I just did what I naturally do with the girls, and it worked. And that was the surprise. I found that I can comfort him and that I know how. I don't think I'm explaining this well. Probably because I'm sitting here crying.

That's it. I learned that my son needs me and wants me more than I expected.