3rd post of the day

Saying goodbye to the Bradshaws has stirred up some very powerful feelings for me. Due to the current manic phase I am in, most of them are terrified. Let me start off by saying to Julianna that the only part of the following that applies to you is being nervous to email; I am very excited to talk to you!

Ok, so I logged onto Andy's facebook page to snoop. I can't bear to make one of my own. I tried. I deleted it in less than 7 minutes. Anyway, logged on as Andy, I was looking at his friends, and then his friends' friends, and then theirs, and I got REALLY overwhelmed! I mean, first of all, it never stops! And it makes me feel hunted! Who could find me? Anyone!

Totally unacceptable. ("That behaviah is completely unasseptaboll." Anybody? Anybody? C'mon, it's JoJo the Supernanny!)

But I also saw these really amazing friends from my past, and I felt so SAD that I had let go of them. I am so worried that I'll lose Natalee and Gary, so I feel like I have to take a (scary) step and talk to someone I miss. I chose Julianna because she is, well, just wonderful. An easy friend to have.

It has made me feel so shaken up and nervous. I have been fighting tears. I've been terrified that if I contact anyone, it'll be bad. If I don't contact anyone, I'LL be bad.

And this, my friends, is the tell-tale sign that mental illness is at the wheel. The paranoia, the insecurity, the inability to decide or stand by a decision or REMEMBER the decision for that matter. I am used to depression. It's awful, sure, but it's familiar. Mania, though. It's a lot harder. So, yes, I'm returning to my dear head-shrinker for tweaking¹.

Just so you know, my heart is actually pounding at the thought of publishing this post. It's the feeling you have in the dream that you are naked in public. And not the good dreams like that.

¹I really shouldn't talk like that. It just reinforces the archaic stereotypes and stigmas about mental illness that I fight against every day. But it's just so funny! And everyone is crazy anyway, so just jump on the bandwagon! Except you Natalee and Jessica. Y'all are weirdly sane.