Disclaimer: The following morose blog reflects my inactivity at this time of morning, but the feelings expressed are constant no matter the hour.
It's 3:45 am. I can't sleep. I never can when Andy is out of town. I am not even sleepy although I am very weary.
I created a facebook account and then deleted it. I felt too exposed. As I browsed around, I confirmed, per my suspicions, that I do NOT want to reconnect with my past. I talk to everyone I want to talk to. Plus, it feels pretty redundant. I already blog.
This is not a diss on the people I used to know. It is a commentary on myself.
I have noticed that many of us with mental illnesses do not like to approach the past. I ALWAYS have bad feelings about my past. Even if I have good memories of it. It is basically the constant feeling that I burned all the bridges, I mucked it all up, I ruined all relationships.
The only memories that don't cause me to feel like jumping off a cliff1 are from my very small childhood. I love the feelings of everything up to, oh, about 5th grade. Starting in about 1st grade, I have SOME feelings of angst, just a little, and I have good feelings about the 1st 6 weeks of middle school. Then, it is all downhill. Not downhill really. More like down the ravine. A rapid, jagged descent.
When I run into people from my past, my first overwhelming impulse is to apologize for who I was when I knew them. This is a really sucky cycle because it has no cutoff point. If I met you last month, and I haven't had contact since then, I will still want to apologize for the person I was last month and for any experiences you may have had with me.
I know it is fueled hugely by bipolar because I can cite TONS of positive, rewarding experiences and events in middle school, high school, and college (not young adulthood, but I was pretty horrible then). I met my best friends in high school and college. Every story I tell is so funny and positive. Yet every feeling associated with that time is really really negative. Self-deprecation, embarrassment, regret, shame, crawl-in-a-hole-ness.
Self-esteem issue, I know. Don't bother trying to encourage me; I'll only apologize for the person I was when I posted this. Of course, I'd delete it now, but, as I have stated in the past, that would really undermine the title of the blog. Gotta lay it out there like it is.
1Probably I shouldn't joke about jumping off a cliff seeing as how I, you know, have some depression issues. I actually never am suicidal, if you are wondering, so set your minds at ease. I will probably be here avoiding my ever-lengthening past for many many years.
2 comments:
I was awake at 3:30 our time here in UT last night for about an hour! I was going to blog too, but thought it would just wake me up more. Crazy! Instead I just walked around turning off night lights in rooms that people were no longer in and closing doors to keep the AC in the rooms where people were. Filled the water jug, drank some water, then just sat there for awhile stewing about things. By the way, Naomi loved your ears pic too!
By the way, I LOVE Chris Brown!!
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