I really wish I could figure myself out. It's like I'm starting to be depressed, but it's hard to tell. I mean, Andy is out of town, so I'm going to be unsettled until he gets home. I have PMS, so that just blows everything out of the water. I'm still in the process of changing medication, so who knows if the dosage is right or if I'll have to pick a different drug again. Sucky sucky sucky.
The reason I think depression is sneaking up is b/c I cannot enjoy anything. I just wander around the house all day, fidgety, not being able to focus on any activity. No reading, no tv, sporadic and pretty crappy cleaning. I feel like I look ridiculous to the outside world. I feel like any efforts I make are futile. These are just feelings; I don't necessarily believe them to be truths. It just sucks to feel them at all, whether or not they are false.
AND, it is hard to sleep. I was bone-tired at 8:30 pm, and I went to bed. I slept for crappy sleep for 1 hour, and now I'm up. I have nothing to say, actually, but I couldn't think of anything else to do. Y'all just have to suffer along with me.
I'm nervous to take the kids to church with me by myself. I'm paranoid b/c if someone tries to help me or sit with me, I'll feel like such a loser. What a sucky outlook.
I just reread this (horrible) post, and so I'm inspired to title it now. Just be glad I no longer cuss (mostly.)
4 comments:
Hey Jen. I'm so sorry your having a hard time. You are loved. You are a child of God.
So - I so wish I could come be with you - yeah I know you said you'd feel like a loser but I just want to come live down there and be around. I think it'd be great (is that the correct word?) to just be able to come over when you wake up in the middle of the night with these antzynesses (hmm?) and talk or we could go out and leave the kids with Brian (they'll sleep!) It is such a shame that Andy is out of town all of the time! I could NEVER handle that! I tell Brian he can do whatever he wants (he seems to be up in the air at the moment concerning more schooling and law school comes up and chiropractic) but the stipulation is that he has to be home and not have to travel for his job! So anyway, in my mind I've come over to your house to walk around with you and talk about nothing - who knows what would really happen (I'm crazy too!) I need to start typing up my Visiting Teaching Routes - shame on me! Love you tons!
I feel that way sometimes too. I mean not enjoying anything, not being able to read or even watch TV. Recently even (it's hard living without a floor in your house, isn't it?).
Maybe I'll come to your ward tomorrow and hang out.
Jen.
You're the most wonderful person ever! and Vince thinks so too so it has to be true! We Love ya!
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