AAAH! I'm being accosted by feelings of failure!!! I can see big red F's on all my work! F for cleaning. F for decorating. F for dressing myself and looking presentable! F F F!
I hate when these things come. I'm going to go through my mental exercises with you 1) for virtual support, and 2) to let you know what I'm doing when I look spaced out and upset:
I always start with "I am a child of God. He loves me and he made me the way I am. I'm not an unifinished project."
Next comes, "His plan of happiness for me brings way tons more happiness than my plan I would have for myself. If I just follow along with it, I'll be so much happier than trying what I think will work on my own. So, if I ask for this to be taken away, and it isn't, that means I'll be happier and have more joy with this than without it."
Then, "I really do want to be happy."
And, "Christ decended below this. He knows these feelings intimately. He can give me what I need to get through this."
Thanks, I really needed that. I love y'all. The ones I know, I mean. If you are a stranger, I gotta ask - why would you choose to read this thing?
4 comments:
Jen, I realized today that I've just been reading your blog and not commenting lately. I just come read and leave! How horrid of me! I really enjoy your mental exercises! I may take them on! I constantly see F's flying around though I'd never actually thought of them as F's but needless to say they are F's! I am always freaking out about why I can't keep my house as clean as prior to having kids. I have the same amount of time shouldn't I still be overboard clean? I understand its because of the kids but at the same time I don't understand why the kids are in the way of it? I hand myself a million other F's but that one is constantly on my mind and especially at this moment as Naomi spilled an entire sprite in our doorway a few moments ago because she had to pee and couldn't hold the sprite while we entered the house because she had to "hold" her pee in! haha.
As for why strangers would read your blog...its because you're interesting and the way you write and the things you write make people feel normal (and we all like that) Even though most of us our not diagnosed with anything we all have these tendencies - so your honesty is VERY comforting!
BTW, Brian recently started counseling at BYU. He's thoroughly enjoying it, and I think he wants to have a counselor the rest of his life! His reason for waiting this long to start (its free for him since he's a BYU Student) is that he didn't want to do it since I'd been asking for therapy for years - he thought it was unfair of him. I think that is the dumbest reason ever! He now agrees!
Jen, your blog is such a comfort. Many of us feel like a failure, we just don't express it. Thanks for sharing your thought process to get out of that negative self talk. I can really use that in my life too. So, can my Mom, so she will be one of those "strangers" who is reading your blog. Because, you make sense and inspire the rest of us who don't deal with our emotions, just stuff them. You are so courageous to be able to write about it. I love you!
There must be something going around because I'm feeling that way today. I've been sitting here analyzing my feelings close to tears and I think I've had a breakthrough. BEHOLD, THE PRAYER CYCLE! (closely related to the pride cycle)
1. I feel overwhelmed, discouraged and agitated.
2. I pray for understanding and peace because I don't know what else to do.
3. My prayerS become more earnest and heartfelt as I begin to gain peace and understanding.
4. As my prayers become more fervent it unlocks a power in my life that gives me a greater ability to see clearly the things I should be focused on and an increased capacity to accomplish them.
5. I get so focused on doing and accomplishing that I stop making time for prayer.
6. The absence of prayer takes me back to step 1 and the cycle is repeated.
I think I might be on to something...What do you think?
You are right, Sarah. I'm in the middle of that cycle. Right is right.
Thanks to all of y'all's comments that make me feel so worthwhile!
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